Ted Archives

August 15, 2005

Ted: In the Marines, They Taught Us not to Shit on our Hands

This joke isn't true. What they teach you is a field expedient. Like all such, it gets the job done, but nearly as well as the real thing.

First take one sheet of any kind of paper, such as the wetnap from an MRE. Fold it into a square and rip out the center, which you place between your teeth. Then put your middle finger through the hole, wipe, close paper around shitty finger and clean. The little triangle of paper you put between your teeth is used to clean under your fingernail.

This is the real reason for saluting.

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August 16, 2005

Ted: No One Wants to Hear It Again

"I remember the big crash of '29," said the grizzled vet. "Folks were jumping out of windows, shooting themselves in the head, all manner of craziness."

Tom looked at the old man with his sleeve pinned up with a mixture of derision and pity. For three weeks now when he came into the bar on his nightly rounds this lush, wearing a naval uniform for fuck's sake, had been trying to get someone to listen his story. Tom had heard it from the barkeep a week ago though when the old man was passed out.

"Come on gramps, closing time."

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August 17, 2005

Ted: It's all in the Delivery

There once was a man with tiny penis. He was good looking, had a great job, was kind to animals, and was an excellent dancer. He dated dozens of women who always parted with him with very fond memories. One day, this man's tiny penis said, "Hey boss, not that I'm complaining or anything, but how do you get all these chicks?"

The man said "Simple, I have you."

"But I'm tiny, I've seen other's ya know, I know what I am."

"But my friend, how many others can talk?"

The moral of the story is simple: Use your lips.

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August 18, 2005

Ted: Fading

The White Buffalo was fading into myth, His magic failing. Long gone was the time when He could easily manifest to show His people the way. No longer could He tell the old tales of creation, help His people find water, or answer their prayers for food. With one chance left, he entered the room of a Man who had just pledged troth to one of His Maidens.

"I must tell you three stories, so that men will remember always" he rumbled to the Man. "The true stories of Creation."

The Man thought he was dreaming, and only rememmbered two.

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August 20, 2005

Ted: Ummm, yeah

"SHIT!" he bellowed, before even becoming fully awake. He looked around the tiny compartment, looking for the source of the horrific noise that woke him. "Must be up on deck," he said to himself (something he had started doing alot of lately). Pulling his pistol, he went forward up the companionway to the ladder which led to the hatch. He had set condition yoke at two bells so he was sure there was nothing belowdecks.

Opening the hatch, he realized that the noise had been made when the leeward fokslestay halyard had parted and crashed abaft the mizzenmast's spinnaker wheel.

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August 21, 2005

Ted: The View

"Bleech."

"Wassamatter Theo?"

"That new building."

"You mean the eighty year old one two blocks down, Theo. Yeah, You may have mentioned your distaste for it a few times."

"Roderick, just look at it, use those eagle eyes. It is an abomination. There is no reason to build something like that, ever."

"If you hate it sooooo much, why don't you do something about it? I mean, we are made of stone, you could bust it up pretty good if you would get motivated and get off your granite ass. I'm tired of your bitching about it."

"Alllllrightythen, here goes."

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August 22, 2005

Ted: Crossed Words

Dirk dove for the dagger as the foul felon fiercely fumed.

"Finished with the theatrics then?" queried the quorum of corrupt conquistadors. "On with the acrobatics. Rout this rotter, Ranger."

The rude ranger cum criminal danced directly to Dirk, blade at the ready, disgrace as his destiny.

"You can still turn back old friend, you can return with me and have the King's pardon. I would hate to have to kill you now," Dirk doged as Ranger's rapier ripped past his ear.

"Or I can behead you, and bide in the Vale of Alliteration forever!" the dastard deigned to taunt.

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August 23, 2005

Ted: The Mayonnaise Conspiracy

Good evening. This is a news flash. Florida woman cannot hold mayo jar without dropping it.

Apparently this has been happening for years now, but just last week, this tragic story took an even more bizarre turn.

He husband had this to say:

"There she was in the kitchen, making a baloney sandwich when the mayo jar fell right out of her fingers. When it hit the floor, the mayo just come right up like it was a fountain, covered her from head to toe. It even splashed the ceiling!"

No group has claimed responsiblity, but this reporter blames France.

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August 24, 2005

Ted: Oh Shit, Reality Check

"You can't be serious."

"Yup."

"Why?"

"I spend so much time alone and this face really shows me something."

"It shows me you're bug fuck."

"That's not nice."

"I'm serious, this look is all wrong. It won't help I tell you. But you have me, why do you need anyone else anyway?"

"For one thing, you're always saying I'm crazy!"

"Let's examine that. You've chopped off your prick and sewn the skin back on flat, you have a maniacal look on your face, and you are arguing with your reflection in the mirror. What part of that is not crazy?"

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August 25, 2005

Ted: The Aftermath

"I can't beleive you wrote about the mayo!"

"It was funny, come on..."

"No, you come on. I can't help it. Ever since that time in the third grade when Kenny Birkstrum hit me in the face with mayo at lunch."

"That was thirty years ago! It was an accident."

"IT WAS NOT! I saw the way he looked at me just before the mayo pack burst. He knew it would happen."

"Look, babe, I'm sorry I wrote about the mayo. I didn't know that it was an issue. I'll delete it."

"No. It's got a great rating, leave it."

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