Ted Archives

June 21, 2005

Ted: The Fragrant Reckoning

Brenda smelled death. She lit a cone of incense.

Then she saw the sidhe.

"Mmmmm."

"Pardon?"

"Your offering. It pleases me. I will grant you a wish."

"Are you a demon?"

"No. Wrong mythos. What is your wish?"

"Are you an angel?"

"Beyond legend, beyond memory, that is where and what I am. I am not part of your pantheon on father, son, and ghost. I am the truth! You, who made the irresistable scent should know that. Now, for the last time, what is your wish!"

"I just wanted the smell to go away," she whined.

Her nose vanished.

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June 22, 2005

Ted: Breaking the Curse

The bookseller sidled up to her, a huge dusty tome in both hands.

"The answers you seek are within."

"Could you be a little more dramatic, please? Like this place doesn't give me the wiggins already."

She took the book from him and staggered to the lounge, where Terry was waiting.

Her companion whispered, "Is that it?"

"I hope, finally. We can stop running around and get our asses back to Boston."

The Rules Of Baseball, by Abner Doubleday, lay before them. This should get her an A in Leisure Science, and maybe get the team a championship this year.

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June 23, 2005

Ted: Almost...

keep going...keep going...

i can do this...

goddamn that hurts...

gotta breathe...

come on dammit...

this is his fault... gonna kill him when this is over...

OWWWWW...

that was the worst yet... can't believe 30 seconds hurt that bad...

fuck... fuck... fuck...

how long...

i'm so thirsty...

all the juice in my body is going out my cunt... shit...

never trust a manager they said... well now i fucking well know...

if he speaks i am going to rip his balls off...

"One more honey!"

"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"Fuck the world record for biggest gangbang! I quit! Get me to a hospital!"

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June 24, 2005

Ted: Just off of Duval...

He didn't remember her name, just that is started with a "B".

She moaned over him as her hips ground into his.

Or did it start with a "D"?

Her scarlet hair hung down, obscuring his view of the bald "Y" where he bucked back up to her.

DAMN! "G"!

He was unsure how much coke they had snorted, or how much rum they had drank.

She lay on his chest mere seconds before hopping up and asking for her money.

"What's your name again?"

"Gina."

"Can I call you next year?"

"Sure honey, I'm always here for Fantasy Fest."

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June 25, 2005

Ted: Snippets

All I have left is a lock of her hair. She died when her appendix burst on vacation.

We had been having such a good time, drinking until dawn, sleeping until four. Balling our brains out.

Then Raul came along.

I found her at the Plaza del Mer casino on his arm. I didn't even make a scene.

I packed up her brushes and makeup, everything else I had paid for.

Doctor Legbastone called in the morning to say she had collapsed in pain and expired right on the blackjack table. I thanked him, packed my bags, and came home.

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June 26, 2005

Ted: Night Swimming

Why do I let her bring me to these places? There we were, having a grand time at the Royale when she decides "it's time for a change."

So we transited to a new sphere where the Royale had a branch.

Always looking for the next experience, Donna jumped right off the parapet and started heading out to the Royale's sister club.

I tried to yell as soon as I recognized the danger, but by then she was already infected.

She is quarantineed on the island for life now. But she got a job dealing, so she'll be just fine.

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June 27, 2005

Ted: The Case of the Turkish Eagle

I could tell this one was going to be trouble. They always are when the dress is crimson, the night is rainy, and the girl is brunette.

But I sized up the four mugs hassling her and even through the gin knew she couldn't handle it herself. She could handle lots of things, but not four guys in an alley.

My sap took the first two on the back of the head but the others needed convincing from my .38.

"Who the hell are you?" she said, her accent rich, exotic.

"Toots, I'm just the next man you're gonna blame."

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June 28, 2005

Ted: Left Turn at .....

Why do I gotta do the 'hunted' routine again?

I wind up the hero and the maroon winds up looking like, well, a maroon.

I always get into this bit by not turning left. This time I'm gonna do it!

"Dateline Albuquerque:

A vewy warge bunny wabbit was found dead today at the edge of town. He appawentwy had been tunnewing at a high wate of speed and wound up bonking his widdle head against the foundation of the ACME factowy. Details as they emerge. Back to the news desk with Porky."

"Th..th.. thanks for that re-re-re-re-report. That's all folks."

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June 29, 2005

Ted: The New Gods Part Four

"In order to train the growth of any organism, one must first understand how that organism grows..."

Sulek listened with half his mind while the other half concentrated on the vine. He had been trying to force a leftward spiral for over a week.

"Sulek!"

He looked up and realized that Tivik had been speaking to him for minutes now. So great had his concentration been that he simply had not heard the Abbot addressing him.

"Yes, Abbot?"

"You try too hard child. You must release conscious control. The seed must have in it that which you seek to accent."

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June 30, 2005

Ted; The Peppermint Beach Club

On 17th street in Virginia Beach used to be a little club called the Peppermint. Four dollar cover, two drink minimum, big-assed dance floor, and Warren Zevon played a gig there every year.

Three years running I saw him there. The way he did a live show was amazing. "Roland" was a fifteen minute song, live. "Hasten" had the girls crying. "Werewolves" was the fan test. If you blew 'and his hair was perfect' the bar was closed to you the rest of the night.

The Peppermint closed, then it burned, then Warren never played Tidewater again. Enjoy every sandwich.

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