Ted Archives

October 6, 2005

Ted: Two More Sins when Living on Mars

Seven deadly sins? I have a new one to add: Vitriol. Since jealousy is green, vitriol will be.... blue. Yes. Blue. Like the caustic chemical compound. Another new one: Ignorance. Of the two, I think I could forgive vitriol first. At least one must make a conscious decision to be vitriolic. It is therefore a correctable sin, if one can live long enough. Ignorance however, is practiaclly a death sentence. How many times have we seen a chum get eaten by a sand bloom due to ignorance? The other seven sins will still kill you, we just have nine here.

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October 10, 2005

Ted: Ransom Note

The face on the screen kept talking, but Jim couldn't hear the words. Seconds before, he had seen his wife and daughter on the screen, tied together in chairs, and blindfolded. When "The Face" came on, and Jim lip-read "we have your family", he was dumbstruck. Rousing himself, he jammed the menu button and began looking for the outtakes, the bonus features, anything that would give him more information. Hidden in the shell of menus, he found it. Stephanie had convinced the kidnappers to let her use sign language. Jim came to the warehouse that night and rescued his girls.

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October 11, 2005

Ted: Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

"Get real. You can't mean that. When did this happen?"

"It has been building for years now. Ever since you dated my brother in high school. I always knew you just didn't fit with him. I think that we could really make it work though."

"Well... we do have a lot in common. We are closer in age, we have been friends for years, hell, we have been going out as friends forever. So you really want to make this into a 'date' instead of just hanging out like always?"

"Yes, Jennifer, I do."

"But, Stephanie. You know I'm straight!"

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October 12, 2005

Ted: AbsMan vs. The Colorizer

"Halt, vile villian. I won't let you destroy the American way of life by adding color to television."

"Ha Ha Ha AbsMan, you're too late. Nothing can stop me now. This country, this world, is ready to see the world the way it really is. Haha, hahahahahahaha."

"Where will it stop Colorizer? Can't you see that people like the status quo? If you add color, people will start asking questions. Questioning the world around them. Don't force me to use my abs of steel to stop you."

"Forget it FlabMan, even if you stop me, you can't stop the inevitable!"

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October 13, 2005

Ted: When It's Your Time...

James was walking into his doctor's office, worrying about his physical. Last year, his blood pressure had been a little high, his cholesterol very high, and his prostrate had been giving him trouble. After batteries of 'procedures' and medicines, and a new excercise regimen, he was a new man. His worry was about what would the doctor find this year.

His hands shook as he filled the specimen bottle, knowing this examination would only find new issues. The doc said to relax and wait while he scrubbed up.

The doctor slipped on James' piss, hit his head, and died instantly.

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October 14, 2005

Ted: Modern Medicine

Billy Many Hands woke up to pain sounds. Rolling over and looking at the other couch in his double-wide's living room, his first thought was that his pap had come home drunk. It was Fox again. Cut up pretty bad this time.

"Coyote finally got mad enough to fight back, Billy. Pulled that damn obsidian blade."

"I told he'd do that one day. Were you gambling again?"

"Yeah. He used to be a good loser though."

"What did you win?"

"His penis. Turned him into a bitch."

"Shit, Fox. You know how much life is gonna suck this full moon?"

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October 15, 2005

Ted: Songbird

It was a dark and stormy nightingale, with deepest black and indigo feathers that drew Henry out of his funk. Undeniably a nightingale, the press named it Stormy because of it's unusual colors. Henry saw the report and was starstruck. He had to see the bird in person, hear her song. Henry bathed for the first time in a month, shaved, brushed his teeth. He wanted to look good for the bird that the news was caling a fluke 'mutation.' The teenager who was caregiving at the sanctuary let Henry listen. That was enough, it gave him hope again.

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October 16, 2005

Ted: Gone Out

"Gone out" the note said. Martha looked at it again, flipped it over to look at the back, hoping to see something she might have missed. A note and a pair of shoes. After eight years. No more courtesy than that. Shit. Martha threw the offensive shoes into the alley. He'll be sorry if somebody came along and stole his shoes. That'd show him.

Frank, returning home, stood in the shadows, listening to Martha rant. Dammit. He had left his shoes to show that he was coming back, but still she bitched. He put on his shoes and kept going.

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October 17, 2005

Ted: The Rest of the Story

Rotten eggs. They told Mary she had rotten eggs. Sterile. That was how come she had never had a period. That was how come that now matter how much she and Joe fucked like bunnies, she could never get pregnant. Her life was hopeless. What with the Romans scourging, and the Pilate a big political pussy trying to curry favor, she knew it was only a matter of time before she got traded in for a fertile wife. So when the alien showed up and told her he could make her have a baby, it seemed like a good idea.

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October 18, 2005

Ted: Commandments

- Thou shalt have no god before me, for I am a petty and domineering sort who does so hate it when you mortals offer worship to my brethren.

- Thou shalt not spread your seed on barren ground, therefore keeping Me from having even more worshippers.

- Thou shalt not steal, for if you do how can your neighbor afford to give Me offerings.

- Honor thy parents, for they, being followers, will teach you to worship Me.

You could toss in more, if you need them. Otherwise, you got everything you need, Moses? Make it roll better for the final draft, ok.

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