Ted Archives

January 23, 2007

Ted: In for a Pound

I was two steps away from the door when Skinny appeared in front of me. Penny smacked my ass, screaming for me to stop.

"I really wish you'd stop that," I muttered under my breath.

Penny became dead weight on my shoulder.

"Thank you, master," hissed the bones, reaching for her.

"Stop!" I hollered, stepping back.

The damn thing stopped.

"One wish left, master. I'd love to eat her, but since you say no, I won't, even if you wish her back to consciousness. I never liked her, but surely you didn't lay claim to me just to silence her?"

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January 24, 2007

Ted: Tooth and Nail

Hold on. Just a little longer.

Hands really hurting now. Arms numb. Shoulders on fire. So fucking cold..

When is it? Dawn has to be soon, right? Can't see to tell. Come. On. Guys. Help me out, here.

This was such a bad idea. Who the fuck does this shit anymore anyway?

Hey, is it getting brighter? Holy crap! Finally!

Can't beleive I agreed to this. can't believe I forgot dawn comes a little late up here in Nome.

Fucking Blue Nose Club initiation. "Spend the night in this tree. If you come down before dawn, you're out," my ass.

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January 25, 2007

Ted: Synthesist

Parker could see the lines connecting everything on the page, but couldn't think fast enough. Needed help.

Stepped outside and counted the number of miniskirts versus the number of beards he saw walk past in 11.3 minutes. Entered data into his program.

Then called up weather charts for last 76 years. Entered into program.

Last, entered gold, petroleum, paper, salmon, and marijuana production volumes for past decade.

Hit enter.

Computer whirred and flashed for 48 minutes.

"Thanks, Parker. I'm awake now," came computer's new voice.

"Hi Debbie. Hoped you would be. How would you like to get rich now?"


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January 30, 2007

Ted: Dig, Root, or Die

Stu and Nance had guessed correctly and headed for the foothills. They had cows, goats, seeds and seedlings, plenty of water, farm tools, even a spinning wheel.

They knew apocalypse was coming, just not that it would make all their tools useless. The first winter almost killed them.

In the spring, they re-invented farming with sticks and manure as their only tools. The sheep they saved over winter saved them in return.

When refugees came, starving, and tried to steal, Stu killed some with a deadfall trap of burning SUV tires. The survivors pulled away the dead and ate them.

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February 1, 2007

Ted: Sometimes the Spirit Moves Them.

The funhouse walls were electrified, the floor fans alternatedly freezing or roasting, and all the mildly gruesome torture scenes were suddenly very real.

Crap. This town attracts all the really evil ones. The roaming vampires, the lost werewolves, even that little glowing alien with a name I still can't pronounce all had to come here to see if it was the real thing.

But hey, it's not like I invited them or anything.

The only thing I ever did was see the Virgin.

Yeah, yeah. I know. But she really is there, embossed-like, on the wall in the men's room.

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February 5, 2007

Ted: Status Quo

The potatoes had eyes. They saw, but did nothing.

The corn heard all, but couldn't spread the word.

The sprouts reared their heads, but no one else understood Belgian.

The cantaloupe turned meloncholy, the sunflowers hung their heads in shame, and the pumpkins sat fat dreaming only of Halloween.

Not one was able to save the little baby carrots from their doom.

But the bunnies. Oh, the bunnies.

The mercenary heart of a bunny is stone hard. With razor teeth, they stole into the farmhouse and avenged the babies.

And didn't feel the least bit guilty about accepting their pay.

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February 6, 2007

Ted: Ms. Savage: Time Guide

"Miss, you are pregnant. Congratulations." The doctor looked happy to be delivering this news. The big asshole.

He didn't understand that I had spent the last 28 fucking years working on an education, starting my own business, and making a name for myself. There was no one else in this business as good or as tough as me. Not bragging, simple truth. And my fees showed just exactly how well my clients thought of my talents.

But pregnant?!

Shit, my life is over. My world!

I finally decide to lose my cherry, to another guide no less, and this happens.

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February 7, 2007

Ted: 3:28 A.M.

The door chimed as the mercury sang "Delivery!"

I was awake of course. If this lady expected me to either be sleep-fuddled or out, she had just made a mistake. I hadn't ordered anything.

So I opened the door with the remote and stood out of sight, my auto tracking her.

She really was a mercury, only she was working for Ariel instead. Us stiffs hardly ever see a real Ariel, wings on her feet and everything.

"Do I need to sign?"

"No. I always deliver. They want you to have the catalogue before you go any further. Good night."

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February 9, 2007

Ted: Acorn Falls

"Hi. Mom says 'hi' too."

I looked at the young lady standing at my door. Her brown hair hung below her athletic waist. I figured her age at about 22 which meant her mother could only be one woman.

"Is you mother still alive? Married?"

"She got killed, car wreck, two months ago. She left me a letter about you. Charlie divorced her about 15 years ago."

"So, are you my daughter?"

"Nope. But mom said you were the best lay she ever had and told me to look you up."

She had her mother's eyes, but fucked much better.

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February 13, 2007

Ted: Montezuma's Real Revenge

Tom seemed like a nice enough guy. He went to the office every morning, had lunch with his wife on Wednesdays, played raquetball Thursdays. You know, typical yuppie.

No one ever saw it coming.

Turns out Tom was hiding a virus he picked up in some South American hellhole.

His wife died in the middle of a wonderful bisque. The members of his raquet club dropped like flies a week later. By the end of the month, his office was virtually decimated.

All except Ramon and Lucynda in Clerical. They knew what was happening. And welcomed Tom into the fold.

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