Ted Archives

March 9, 2007

Ted: Prelude

"Report, mister."

"I was trying to trace that seam of uranium ore when I heard something behind me. I didn't get a good look because it was running right at me. Fast too, at least 40 kph."

Stevens looked at the rating, trying not to show disbelief. This planet had showed no signs of any large animal life.

"Go ahead, son. Tell me the rest."

"Then somebody... ... just frigging appeared, with a spear, and ran the damn thing through."

"One of our people? With a spear?"

"No. Sir. It wasn't one of us at all. It looked like a girl."

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March 12, 2007

Ted: Diabolus Ex

Bruther Ted:

You must obay my commamments and keep them wholly.

Flix jobber rutabega
Sim zort exchert
Snerd snood ne snood snerd
Rasa burtle ix glor
Buffy the vampire slayer

Follw deese commamments or shirley you shall perfish and bern.


The very first verifiable contact with divinity in thousands of years, and the god in question... is illiterate?

Could this be a code? Should I sell my coffee pot on U-sell-it dot com? Would even GPC bid on this?

"Sorry, pal. I'm Catholic. Besides, God speaks Latin"

"dammit!" said the coffee pot and disappeared.

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March 13, 2007

Ted: Prelude: Part II

Silea watched the man from her perch. He seemed slow, clumsy, and inept. He hadn't looked up once. Maybe his mask made it hard to breathe.

Of course, he didn't see the rutting snarl stalking him.

Killing the snarl was one of the standing orders for watchmen, but news of the stranger was important to the People also. So when the creature attacked, Silea dropped from her tree to meet it.

She let the beast impale itself on her spear, stole the stranger's mask, and eeled into the undergrowth. Back up the branches, she raced for her post to report.

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March 14, 2007

Ted: 11:48 A. M.

Springer showed up just as I passed out. So I only heard what happened later.

Apparently, he got it into his head to drag me out of the club by my ankles. Springer is as strong as they come; so when he wants to drag something, it gets dragged.

When I woke, my head hurt worse than it should have. I felt bruises everywhere. "Crap," I moaned. I hurt too much to use a stronger word.

"Jase, I hate to say, you gotta quit drinking now."


"Because last night you tried to run with the Hunters. Fortunately, they declined."

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March 16, 2007

Ted: Watch Your Step

"Peter, get the flashlight. Please."

Peter woke to see Jane fully awake. Usually, she only had her calamitous insights while asleep. How dire could this be?

He stumbled, stubbed his toe, racked his shins, fell onto Jane and knocked out one of her teeth with his forhead.

Blood blinding him, he rolled and sat up. Limping to the dresser, he pulled the handle too hard and it came out in his hand. He tugged until it fell out, landing on his uninjured foot.

Retrieving the flashlight, he turned, questions in his eyes.

"Slow down, Peter. We still have five minutes."

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March 19, 2007

Ted: Now How Much Would You Pay?

"You were worth $186,418,227.48 as of last night's market close. As of 10a.m., you have lost over $75M of that amount. Your loans are due, your health is failing, and you couldn't get arrested in this town if you pulled a Mel Gibson, a Nicole Ritchie, and a John Belushi simultaneously. You are going to die within six months because your liver is shot. Die penniless.

Unless you wish sign this contract and gain perfect health. You'll live another fifty years."

"Just money? I thought you wanted my soul."

"That's ours already. Think Las Vegas 'whale' treatment and you'll understand."

Thanks Michele

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March 20, 2007

Ted: Upgrade

"Mr. Park, so good of you to see me on short notice."

Mr. Park laughed at the irony. He had been drugged, bound, and beaten. The last few hours had seemed like a year long trip to Cleveland.

"It seems that you did a less than optimum job for my client. Her eyes, Mr. Park, aren't working correctly."

"Who?" gasped Park.

"Justina," answered his captor.

"But she said she wanted to see the future. Why is she angry?"

Artificial politeness slipping away, Mr. Tabor stood and slapped Park. "She can only see five minutes forward. That doesn't meet her requirements."

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March 21, 2007

Ted: She'll Never Tell

I know what I did wrong, but she won't even let me apologize. Try to make it right. Attempt to repair the breach of trust. But she won't even acknowledge that there is a problem.

Her life has been a series of disappointments in men: her dad, her brother, the litany of lovers.

Then of course, there's me.

I try to be a better man every day. I forget sometimes that she settled for me, and sometimes resents it. She thinks that her secret is hidden away where I'll never see it.

But I see it everytime she feels it.

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March 22, 2007

Ted: Anti-Edison

In the big tent, along with the real mermaid (a topless woman with silken fins) and the genuine djinn (a heavily muscled man dressed only in jewels) lay the object of my quest.

The dwarf pulled on my elbow. "Is that the ting you're looking for?" he asked, fearful of my knife. His accent was slipping, as fake as everything else.

Everything but this, that is. The Dark Bulb.

Master needed its artificial darkness to make the herbs for his potion grow correctly.

I killed the dwarf, emasculated the djinn, and buggered the mermaid before burning this ridiculum to ashes.

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March 26, 2007

Ted: Sometimes, the Trip is Worth It

When men finally reached the stars, they brought religion with them.

Fortunately, the distance between stars made differences difficult to act upon. New Jerusalem never had it out with Cairo Major; Secundus Roma and The Dionysian League never established trade routes; and Mecca, where the metorite originated, was declared off limits to infidels. The infidels rejoiced

The Anglicans, however, were problematic. Worse, they were annoying to the rest of us. The antidisestablishmentarianism of centuries before didn't even have any basis since the UK wasn't a factor in exploration.

So we rounded them up and nuked when we did the LRonners.

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