Ted Archives

May 24, 2005

Ted: The last straw

"One red fish, check."

"Two blue fish, check."

"Dude, I bet Seuss was high when came up with this shit."

"Now what?"

"Holy shit! Did you see that?!"

"Man, that is so fucked up. What the hell kind of fish are these anyway?"

"Siamese Fighting Fish."

"Good name for them. Brad, you have just proved what I have been thinking for a long time. You. Are. A. Prick. I'm going home."

"What? Aw Jenny, don't be like that. I didn't think they would gang up on him."

"You are nothing but a fucked up stoner, Brad. Don't call me again."

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May 25, 2005

Ted: Headed for K.C.

"Mister, hey Mister?"

I turned around, already knowing what I would see.


"My momma says you didn't pay her enough."

They always say that. They somehow think their pride has value, is worth more than I am willing to pay.

"Honey, go tell your momma that if she didn't have such a lead ass, I would have paid more."

"Will you wait here while I go, so I don't have to run too far to catch you after?"

"Sure honey."

I waited for ten burning minutes while the Oklahoma dust seeped into my clothes.

"Ready to go now?"


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May 26, 2005

Ted: The New Gods Part One

"You grow heliotropes?" she asked, wonder in her voice.

She knew the answer. I had the look. I spent so much time tending the sun gardens inside the sun's corona that I had, well, changed. The technology that allowed us to change was still new, only four or five hundred years old. Hell, I could remember a time before there were heliotropes, when that word still only meant a kind of flower.

They sort of are flowers. They grow in the sun and can be bred to specification. My last to bear fruit sent eight ships off with the Exo-Corps.

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May 27, 2005

Ted: The New Gods Part Two

The process of growing starships inside the corona of the sun was made possible by two things: The energy available, and the Gardeners' training. The training had been around for millennia, but not until Tivik the Holy's near accident had this new application been discovered.

Tivik had been trained by his Order to make small changes, minute adjustments. The effects might not be seen from his actions for a season or a year or a decade or more. But when faced with a solar storm trying to kill him, he made the first "Leap Of Magnitude" and saved his ship.

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June 4, 2005

Ted: Final Vacation

I looked around the office. Shit. Why did I come back here? Down island was ideal this year. The diving was superb. So were the women that my wife knows nothing about. I think the ganja was the best ever too.

So why am I back in the office?

Why am I in the office looking at my wife's picture.

Why is my boss yelling--"Look at your watch Stevens! You gotta surface now!"

I imagine I can still feel the warm Carribean surrounding me in my wetsuit and hope this office just goes away so I can enjoy my dive.

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June 5, 2005

Ted: Two Scoops

He thought he would nice and make the coffee this morning. How hard could it be to make coffee, right?

He could tell by the smell that it was going to be way too strong.

Shit. Of all his bonehead moves, this was going to suck the worst.

He went to the garage and started warming up the car. And waiting.

"FUCK!" came her voice from inside. "What is this shit? How fucking much coffee grounds did you use idiot? Are you so stupid you can't even make goddamn coffee!?"

He lowered the garage door and locked the car's doors.

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June 7, 2005

Ted: Tailor Made

"Of course young lady, we can tailor your child to have purple eyes. If we can make her a genius plus amazon, eye color is a simple variation."

The young lady in my office seemed amused with my demeanor.

"I was hoping you would say that," she snarled, pulling a lethal pulse pistol out of her bag.


"You are under arrest for the crime of gene tailoring! You have the right to remain silent until the Justice's Prosecutor arrives!"

I knew I should have taken up a nice safe speciality, like eye transplants in Chinatown.

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June 8, 2005

Ted: Holy Crap

"I'm a vestal virgin, this is my destiny," she thought, her head swimming with fear as the ceremony drew closer.

"But will the holy Earth Bird pick me to be his earthly vessel? To fertilize the entire globe? Am I worthy?"

Her doubt was not justified. Her heart was indeed as pure as her loins. Her spirit was clean. Her soul was suffused with years of prayer, meditation, and the blessings of her special diet. She was ripe to be ridden by the god.

The citizens looked in wonder as the cramps hit her, her screams drowned by their prayers.

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June 9, 2005

Ted: Big Trouble

So I looked at this girl I'm driving, at her perfect green eyes. Egg better be right.

Lo-Pan was waiting at the loading dock.

"Jack, nice to see you again, especially after our last meeting."

"Last I heard, you were dead. But, hey, you were dead before."


"Well, here she is, just like you wanted. Can I get paid now?" I took the purse Lo-Pan held and backed away. This was not my operation. I jumped in my truck and took off before any of Egg's weird shit started happening. I was blocks away when the warehouse blew up.

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June 10, 2005

Ted: An Army of One

The General looked at his R&D chief in disbelief. "Over a billion dollars, for this?"

"Yessir General. Absolutely SofTA. Perfect in every detail. Fast breeding cycle, utterly loyal, perfect for all climates, not enough brain to wash. The mini rifle is of course a particle accelerator, not a projectile weapon, so the area of effect is huge."

The General stared.

"And, um, of course there is also the development of the stealth squirrel we have in New Mexico."

"Why the uniform, moron? Why not just a neon sign saying 'I'M A ROBOT'?"

"Um, Barry in development thought it looked cute."

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