Ted Archives

October 25, 2007

Ted: What the Crow Told the Coward

"...so after she put enough pebbles down, the water level rose and she could drink."


"Aesop!, Come here!"


"I have told you to knock this off on company time. Until V, your ass is mine. Now get back to work!"


"Is the bastard gone?" "Good."

"This story, dear reader, is about a man who wanted to make stories. But his boss, and the traffic, and the crabgrass just kept eating away his time.

Then one day, the man realized he was going blind, and those things didn't mean anything anymore.

That, is when he became a storyteller."

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October 30, 2007

Ted: Decorating the Porch

The little old lady answered the door "Yes?"

"Trick or treat!" yelled the three little monsters.

"Oh dear, is it that time of year already? Come inside kiddies, while I try to find some goodies for you."

The biggest monster said, "That's okay, ma'am. Halloween isn't really until tomorrow. We were just joking ya. Besides, Momma says not to go into stranger's houses."

"Well! You kids should be ashamed, trying to fool an old woman like that! Abracadabra!"

The monsters shrank into dolls, and the little old lady had decorations.

"I'll have to remember to get candy for tomorrow night."

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November 1, 2007

Ted: Water Hole

Lipkok lay staked out against the stone, the rawhide cords at his ankles and wrists wet down from the nearby pond cutting into his skin.

For three days he had been thus, licking the dew off his lips at dawn.

His judges would hold up a cup of water to his lips everyday at dusk and ask if he was ready to drink. For three days he said 'no'.

Finally, Pokik the Elder cut free his bonds, pulled him shaking to his feet, and guided him into the pond. "Now do you understand what it means to waste water, my...

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November 5, 2007

Ted: Tiny Bubbles

As we have known for centuries, our universe is mostly empty space with matter forming in bubbles around vacuum. It was only when some bright boy figured out how to penetrate the boundary between 'matter' and 'bubble' that humanity finally started to understand the way the universe worked.

Anti-gravity? Child's play. Cure for cancer? Outpatient therapy.

The most highly esteemed members of society, the physicists, mathematicians, and engineers, work making new discoveries and trying to solve some of mankind's oldest questions.

Of course, we allow them some ... quirks. Doctor Edsmudgilliam simply can't work unless he is in his bubble bath.

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November 6, 2007

Ted: Destiny

Blind Death was not a man, although he walked in a man's shape. He was created by one of the old gods as a tool, but that old god had long since faded into the aether. Blind Death was cold forged from the center of a dead white dwarf, the most dense substance imaginable.

Blind Death stalked the eight hundred worlds: mission-less and master-less.

Her daughters saw glimpses while they stood sentry, always in the shadows, always at the corners. Never in full day.

She caught him one night, while he slept. She had need of one such as him.

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November 13, 2007

Ted: Golden Moment

Jamie looked through the portside window and gasped.

"Mommy, there's an angel on the wing!"

"Don't you dare talk like that, young man! I will not tolerate lies. Don't call me 'Mommy' either. You know as well as I that your mother is dead. You may call me 'Step-mother' until such time as you graduate from college or head out on your own; whereupon you may call me Celia. Understood, Jamie?"

Seven year old Jamie sulked for a moment before mumbling his response. "Sorry, Step-mother."

The angel gave Celia the finger and crashed the plane, taking Jamie home to Mommy.

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November 14, 2007

Ted: Speak Well of the Dead

Dr. Janet Oglethorpe was amazed by the heart. It seemed fresh and clean, like that of an athlete. Not what she expected from the body. The other organs were putrefied, a slimy soup in his thorax. Even his brain had liquefied and run out through his ears and nose.

Witnesses confirmed the guy was alive four hours ago, walking through the lobby of the Hotel Grandee. The front desk said he was checked in to room 742. He was found by the maid in the whirlpool tub.

When the heart started beating in the autopsy bowl, Dr. Janet Oglethorpe screamed.

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November 19, 2007

Ted: 9 P.M., The Unveiling

She watched the monitors from inside her grotto. The image was slightly wavy and the color was not quite right. She made a note to have the R&D guys to work on eyeball lens modifications before the next event. It just wouldn't do to have this bodymod ruined by imperfect vision; the military grant that paid for her research wouldn't allow it.

The Navy didn't know that she had modded herself of course.

She saw her guests assemble at the pool and heard her cue through the underwater speakers.

"Masquerade Guests! Your Hostess welcomes you and invites you to Swim!"

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November 21, 2007

Ted: Collusion at Lake Chinqutiki

All the city fathers agreed, for the first time since the founding of the tiny hamlet, that things simply couldn't be allowed to continue in such a fashion. They wired the county seat, then the State House, but no help came.

Able Simpson was the first to suggest going into the gypsy camp themselves.

So, after the rapes and murders, folks were plain depressed, even though there was no danger of starving any more.

Ava, Able's wife, came up with the idea of a town picnic to celebrate Spring's arrival.

A hundred years later, folks just come for the pies.

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November 28, 2007

Ted: H + H

One little wheel spun, all by itself, seemingly alone in the universe. Along came another little wheel.

The second wheel didn't slow down, just slammed right into the first.

The two wheels fused together, becoming more than either alone.

Of course, their wedding was festooned with light and warmth, drawing others to themselves.

This big wheel spun faster, losing it's balance. It began to collide with the others. Soon, wheels were bouncing off of each other like mad.

Some of them decided to get married also, creating more light and warm feelings in their neighbors.

Then, a sun was born.

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