Ted Archives

July 11, 2005

Ted: Perspective

The gates flung open. The morning rain made the cobblestones slippery so the first eight crashed down immediately. Six got back up and left their brothers to die in agony.

The mass of runners began to thin out, some only staying ahead for a few blocks, some gored and left behind the crowd.

I lined up and prepared for the collision. The heat of the chase had my blood on fire. The picadors along the way flayed at my hide, peeling off strips, but my goal was in sight. I skewered the matador right in the spine, killing him instantly.

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July 12, 2005

Ted: Perfect Pitch

All the good ideas were used up already, so I went for a bad one. In retrospect, bad ideas have a way of self-correcting.

They said that there was no new music, all the possible combinations of notes that the human ear could hear had been played.

All the different scales and musical styles had been re-combined until every possible instrument had played every possible part of every possible melody.

We had been trying to find the background note of the universe for millenia. When I dropped my violin into the fire, it screamed, I screamed, and the universe ended.

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July 14, 2005

Ted: A Little Vacation

Howard was very tired. He had been working twenty hours of overtime a week for months just to get this stupid project done. In his own head, that is what he called it: "this stupid project."

His wife was getting pissy, his kids were getting unmanageable, and his boss was breathing down his neck to get damn stupid project done.

It came as a surpise to no one, except the victim, when he ran over that panhandler on his way home. Just for a minute, he thought of running, but then considered the possibilty of time off and parked instead.

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July 15, 2005

Ted: Witness Statement

I'd had hit it off with one of my regulars over the past two weeks so she asks me to go to lunch. We wind up in the food court then yadda-yadda-yadda we wind up back in the cargo dock behind my store and she is all over me.

She tears off my clothes like an animal, I tell ya.

Then I hear the frigging alarm going off, the one up at cash/wrap that the clerk steps on in case of a robbery.

The bitch set me up, her boyfriend robbed me, and I got fired. Goddammit I hate Mondays.

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July 16, 2005

Ted: Limits

He felt his daily limits were tragic. He was supposed to like his job, not kill strangers, or, the worst, act like he liked living with no arms.

Sure, he didn't need arms since his implant allowed him to manipulate objects from the tiniest molecules up to several tonnes.

The doctors kept telling him that he would adjust to his new life, but they had never had the sheer ecstasy of strangling someone with their bare hands. That was why they took his arms in the first place, so they probably wouldn't care.

Rehabilitation was not their job, punishment was.

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July 18, 2005

Ted: The Tiki

Everyone loves teh pinyata. Balls. Here I am, nearly empty, while this moron takes another swing. I'm older than this stupid Latin puppet full of candy. I used to be powered by whale oil for fucksake. WHALE OIL. The stuff for annointing kings! The stuff thousands would sail and hunt and die for. Mighty Queequeg himself filled my reservoir.

Here I am, guttering, because this jackass can't go buy kerosene. Shit. Spends hours straightening and checking those wires, but can't bother with a buck's worth of oil.

Come on kid, one more swing and I explode all over the fence.

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July 19, 2005

Ted: Begin the Loop

Zeus, Posiden, and Apollo stood ready. These three had worked for years preparing, scraping together all the data they could find. Target, the Parthenon of the Golden Age

Greece was just a memory to even the most learned and aged of scholars, since the libraries of the previous era were destroyed as vanities. Only vauge hints about attire and language were available, but this mission was critical to rebuild society.

Zeus turned to his assistants and said "I sure hope we got the timing right," just as they were transported out of the lounge and into the pages of history.

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July 20, 2005

Ted: Self-Determination

I saw my beating heart on the balance and wondered if it would be too heavy for me to progress. But somehow, it managed to balance exactly. I had witnessed a benedictine burn while a thief turned to light.

How is it that I am balanced?

The Dog turned to me.

"Only the individual can judge his weight of sin. The nun was convinced that her sin was real. The thief was only feeding his family. Your heart is full of public greatness and private ills. You have a choice, a thing rare indeed.

Do you wish to try again?"

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July 21, 2005

Ted: Donkey Hotee

Once in the past, the universal force (which some choose to believe in due to their cultural upbringing) decided to accelerate evolution (an as yet un-proven theory) for the purpose of creating a beast of burden.

The result was the donkey. It was cruelly used to carry the burdens of whomever claimed ownership. (An outdated concept.)

The donkey was used as slave labor, cross bred to create less horizontally challenged offspring who were themselves slaves, and slaughtered for pet food. (The ownership of pets was outlawed in 2078.)

Today we celebrate the noble donkey, free at last. Thank you Eeyore!

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July 22, 2005

Ted: Worked to Death

She knew he would come up to bed soon, he just had to. He'd been at work for more than twenty hours now. This was the ninth time in as many days. His work was very important, she reminded herself. His work would change the universe.

She heard him on the stairs at last. His tread was slow, each step with the weight of the world behind it.

She leapt from the bed, to be prepared when he entered.

"Is it finished? Are the equations complete?"

"Yes. I finally found all the answers.

"Good. Now rest."

He welcomed her blade.

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