Ted Archives

July 24, 2005

Ted: Working the Circuit

The comic had played all the big venues. Peakskills, Atlantic City, Poconos, even Vegas. He spent a couple months each spring working on new routines. He would try them out in the Peakskillls first, of course. If he died, he would just tweak the act until it killed, then start out on the road. Town after town, all over the Steel Belt first. Summers up on Lake Erie, autumns in the casinos, winters in the Poconos, then back home. He always played The Rialto for New Year's.

For twenty six years he made a fine living. Then the Rialto burned.

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July 25, 2005

Ted: No Sale

She looked at her hands.

"This is a sign," she thought as she began walking back.

The gallery was still open, even at that hour. Not much stayed open late in that neighborhood. Most had places to go that were definitely not here.

The owner recognized her immediately. He leapt to her side.

"You've decided?"

"Yes. I absolutely love the piece. Why has it gone on sale?"

"Well dearie, the artist recovered and won't be dying any time soon after all."

"That puts a new light on things. I have your glove number. Don't flash me, I'll flash you."

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July 26, 2005

Ted: An Eye for an Eye

The thing is, I actually know a guy who sells eyeballs.

I got called to head over to Park's in Chinatown to evaluate the crime scene.

The hands were removed, of course, as well as his eyes. It was the eyes that told me what I needed to know. No one just takes an eye or two, they have to have a place to sell them. Or as a warning to others. This was a warning, since it turns out that Park had quite a collection of trophy eyes in his warehouse.

Dammit. First the clones, now the accessories dealers.

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July 27, 2005

Ted: Sailing Against the Tide

The wind was off the port quarter, making the little Cape Dory lively. She was a yar little boat, cozy but fully rigged. The auto-winding sails made her a joy to pilot on even the slightest breeze. When a strong western wind would blow in, I would wind out the spinnaker and zip along at almost 20 knots. This could have been my retirement at age 26, broken backed, but on the water. I could sail solo forever and fuck the Navy, I'd show them I still could.

Fate turned the tides on me, but I could fight the wind.

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July 28, 2005

Ted: Quiet Little Town

The smoke was almost all gone by the time Engine 36 arrived. Seems the bacon had gotten a little a too crispy. No need for them today.

The kitten stuck in a tree managed to get down by herself. Engine 36 just drove by as the old woman waved her thanks.

Old Mr. Parker called in to report that he had seen smoke in the woods behind the Simpson place.

Engine 36 swung into action. They raced to the farmhouse at a whopping thirty miles an hour, eager to face the worst.

They surprised a troop of scouts making s'mores.

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July 29, 2005

Ted: The Path to the Mill

Harper came down from the ruins of the mill he used to own. He used to enjoy his daily morning climb. In Spring he would be cautious not to disturb the foraging caterpillers. In Summer, the ants abounded, yet he went out of his way to preserve their trails. By Autumn, he knew each amphibian and lizard by name. When Winter came, he ensured all the creatures had safe places to winter over.

Harper was fucking weird.

The Earth Firsters even thought so, so they kicked his crazy ass out.

So Harper burned down the mill and joined ELF instead.

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July 30, 2005

Ted: Saturday Morning, 10 A.M., 2253.

The chef looked up from his menu board as the inspector made her entrance.

"I'm looking for this girl," she said by way of introduction, thrusting a photo under his nose.

The chef took the photo and examined it. He noticed things in order of importance: she was nude, she was blonde, she had about thirty extra pounds along her flanks, and she had a small hummingbird tattoo on her left butt cheek.

"Except for the tattoo, she could have been last night's entree."

"Thanks. Lemme know if you see her around, she's a vegetarian terrorist, and must be stopped."

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July 31, 2005

Ted: The Left Window, Flying East

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you look out the left windows, you can see the Monument. Built in secret during the crazy years, the Monument was kept hidden to protect it from the courts who were bent on seizing private property. The dream of one man made possible it's public display. We all know the story of how Johnny Able and the 1776ers took the Court and was finally able to re-institute Constituional Law. The self-evident truth of the pursuit of happiness is embodied in the Monument, made of gold to last forever.

And if you look out the right-hand windows..."

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August 1, 2005

Ted: Night Fishing

The old man looked out over the water, again. His insomnia was so bad that he slept maybe four hours out of thirty. For the tenth straight night, he cast into the freezing, dark water.

He had no pole, nor a line a hook or bait. But he remembered fishing when he was a boy, so he fished now. He could remember when all he had to have to fish this lake was a worm and a hook.

His daughter found him in the morning on the balcony of their Phoenix apartment . "Come inside Dad. Get to bed. Dad? DAD!"

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August 2, 2005

Ted: Two Crowns

"Two crowns," said the inn keeper as he handed me a plate. The plate held three game hens, fresh vegetables, an apple, my room key, and a note.

"Two crowns? Is it that troubled here?"

"Indeed sir. Even for a good King's man like yourself. The farmers are being burned out by the rebels."

"The note?"

"A woman came two days ago and said you would be coming. A real Lady she was."

It must be from the princess.

King's Man,

You or someone just like you is about to be poisoned. Don't eat the apple. Kill the rebel innkeeper.

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