Ted Archives

August 3, 2005

Ted: The New Gods, Part Six

Sulek felt afraid. He had been told that this was his destiny, but he barely understood the word. He approached the Abbot.

"How old are you, child?" asked the Abbot, resplendant in his diamond skin.

"Nine, Abbot Tivek" he croaked.

The Abbot took an acorn from the small table between them. "Do you recognize this?"

"That is an acorn from the Great Tree. The one that saved you."

"Will it grow for you?" the Abbot asked. "Can you feel it's life?"

Sulek touched the acorn, feeling. "This acorn is dead, Abbot. There's nothing here."

"You have passed your first test."

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August 4, 2005

Ted: The End of an Era

She looked through the windshield at the City of Angels. The moon, just rising, was a sliver in the sky. The radio was playing "Moondance," her favorite. She stepped out of the car and walked over to the ledge.

This vacation had been wonderful. Warm days and nights drinking on the beach, friends in the hills, lovers in the valley.

She knew that the world was waiting for her return, had been waiting for ages now. But it was time to get back to work.

As she jumped from the cliff, she unfurled her wings and screamed.

Lilith was reborn.

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August 6, 2005

Ted: The problem with time travel...

Floating in this stupid barrel was not my greatest idea. Bringing you along was even stupider. Why do I have to sail through time and space with such a dolt? You won't even speak. For a zillion gaddamned years we have been floating around out here, trying to reach the bottom and still we fall. I thought after the first billion years or so you would never shut up, now I can't make you talk at all. This little invention of yours has let us sail the ocean of time, but dammit, you didn't mention that we couldn't get home!

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August 7, 2005

Ted: Finally

So, all of this started when somebody said "let there be light."


So then what? Light and water and earth and birds and fishes and beasts and finally man and his dominion.

Sounds like an acid trip.

So now, here at the fucking heat death of the universe, there are just two things left alive, me and you. And you don't count because I'm not even sure you are real.

So, what now?

Do I kill you first to find out if you are real, or do I kill myself hoping you will die when I stop imagining you?

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August 8, 2005

Ted: Recruiting

This is the third time today that some midwest hick has tried to get "one more spin pleeeeeeease."

The noise is killing me, the lights are ruining my eyes, I haven't seen the sun in weeks, and I'm starting to get another tic.

Why don't I leave? Hell, if I tried, one of Vinnie's torpedos would be on me before I got off the strip. If I was lucky. They kill ya hard if you make 'em work for it.

I give Vinnie the signal, he nods, so I let her spin again. The vig is gonna kill her though.

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August 9, 2005

Ted: A Highwayman Returns Home

I wept beside her grave when I finally found it. She was buried in the poorest cemetary in town, only 61. I remember her as a strong woman, both in body and spirit. My conviction broke her heart though. She never came to visit while I served my sentence. That I had disappointed her broke my heart. The jailers never even gave me the news she was dead. I vowed the day I got my freedom to forswear my evil ways, only to discover she had died two years earlier. She never even told me where she hid the loot.

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August 10, 2005

Ted: Down to Sugar's Place

The horn section was wailing, one sax joined by trumpet, trombone, and finally, a clarinet. It was the clarinet that made the song really wail though. Huey had practically been born with it in his mouth and had started playing down in the Bottom by the time he was six. He used to play his first set behind a blind, backlit so only his huge shadow would show. When asked why he would always say it was because the cops never stayed for the second set. That white boy has a real gift for keeping out of trouble down here.

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August 11, 2005

Ted: In T.J. for His Twenty-First Birthday

"Come on Kid, tonight is your night, live it up."

He looked at the plethora of poon displayed on the stage, trying to decide which one would best sate.

"The redhead," he told the petty officer.

"Mama-cita, the fat redhead for my friend."


Mama led him to a small room with a sink and a bed and told him to undress and wash. He was rigid before the girl even came in, when she did, his heart was beating like a diesel. He bent her over, came immediately, and rejoined his friends.

"Happy Birthday, Kid, now you're a man."

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August 13, 2005

Ted: Too Much

He drank every bit of vodka in the house and still wanted more. He kissed the hostess dead on the lips and thought he got some tounge action back from her. He was stripping down to jump in the hot tub when the blackout hit.

He had the vague memory of police and screams.

"Why are my hands all scraped up?" he thought when he blearily rolled over. He realized that he was outside next. Then realized he was naked.

"This is what happens when I get drunk," he thought. "Did I hurt anybody this time?" he said aloud, fearful.

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August 14, 2005

Ted: Sacred

This precious fold, the one that gives all life. The golden bowl of hope and despair. The basket of fruit that is ever fresh and young, spawning the world's greatest poets, artists, kings, paupers, scientists, and moguls.

This precious fold. The one before me now, goddess incarnate, that men kill or die for. A need greater than food, a solace greater than death, this precious fold.

The one before me now, as I prepare to worship, binds souls together, brings joy.

This precious fold of flesh and blood drives the universe to achieve. For without this, we are as nothing.

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