Ted Archives

September 26, 2006

Ted: This is the Place

"Children, this is where it all started."

The assembled eight year olds couldn't reconcile the scene before them: a scribbled wall in a squalid room, protected by the very latest in bombproof energy fields and temporal shields. How could the greatest spiritual leader of the ages have lived in this shithole?

"This is where Saint Ted recieved his Epiphany, face down, drunk, and puking blood. How could He have recieved insight in any place not this horrid?"

The kids decided that maybe St. Ted was just a drunken asshole, and joined the revolution. Many years later, they destroyed the shrine.

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September 27, 2006

Ted: The Geek of Wrath

The virus worked perfectly. The fires in the cities quickly spread to the suburbs, then to the countryside as the remaining few fled in terror. Radio and television stations were off the air, cable networks and satellite communications were dead. Phones didn't even get dial tones anymore.

Harvey was finally alone. His decades of secretive work, clandestine meetings, self-education and sacrifice had finally paid off. He was the last human being on planet Earth.

He contemplated his blissful solitude while looking over his garden. Plants never needed to be impressed, never judged, and never laughed at you behind your back.

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September 28, 2006


"OOOOZE! Quickly children, faster!"

The silver disk landed almost soundlessly in the clearing, upsetting the picnic Mr. Glork had taken an entire day off from working at the slime factory to enjoy. He knew that his buddies at the plant would never believe this story. Mrs. Glork exhorted their children to ooze faster toward the transport bucket, fear making her antennae quiver.

Mr. Glork had heard about these things, of course. He was an educated being though and refused to admit the existence of these so called MAN things. That is, until the Many Appendaged Nightmare stepped down the gangplank.

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September 29, 2006

Ted: Learning Curve

"Here, just let me do it."

"No. I need to figure this out for myself. I can't always have you there to do this. I need to able to make this work even if I'm at the office, or on my laptop. I tried doing it just like the instructions say. I tried doing it the way the forums said to do. I even went at looked at how some other folks are doing it; just to be sure what I want to do is even possible. It is. The program is too damn difficult! When does version 3.0 launch?"

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October 2, 2006

Ted: Fifty bucks, same as in town

I heard the punchline through the door, wondering if I had somehow stepped into a bad 80's sit-com that was trying too hard to be hip and edgy. You can never tell exactly where you're gonna wind up when the Doc sends you on one of his little trips.

But the Doc, he don't pay us to get spooked easy. Our job was busting guys up, sometimes gettin' a little more personal than that. That's why we always packed heaters.

We kicked in the door just as the judge was letting some hooker off with fifty bucks and time served.

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October 3, 2006

Ted: Vice or Virtue

Venus Kallipygos is not just a statue; She is an icon that calls to Her worshippers. My quest was to find in life what was discovered in stone. Venus herself, full bodied, fertile, exuding the essence of sensuality.

Every night I went out, searching for my goddess. Her perfection was not to be found. Her soul seemed not to be incarnate. I devoted my nights to searching the beaches and bars, cafes and coffee houses.

Having lost my job, my money, my apartment, and accidentally killing my best friend, I never expected to find her here: to grant me absolution.

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October 4, 2006

Ted: Die! Pig! Die!

That has to be the stupidest cartoon ever. Ferdinand should have absolutely killed that stupid rabbit. When he waved that red cape, even MY blood boiled. The feel of red hurts my pancreas. The taste of flamenco dancing makes me vomit. Anvil is an absolutely evil sound. But the worst part; the part that gives me migraine headaches so bad I just wish the pressure front of oranges would roll over my brain and suffocate my hands, is that damn song. It crawls inside my head like a snake and whispers bad things into my soul.

"That's all Folks!"


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October 5, 2006

Ted: i think i'm impotent

"Tell me about your dream, Oscar."

"It starts off with me fucking my neighbor while her husband watches."

"Are you a swinger? Attracted to her perhaps?"

"No. I think she represents some kind of threat, only I'm embracing the fear instead of running."

"Very good, Oscar. What next?"

"Suddenly, the husband pulls out a magic wand and zaps me. I think that represents fear of having a small cock."

"Go on."

"Then I wake up, in the dream, as a toy bear on a hill. My virility floating away as a balloon."

"Oscar, you’re right. You're also a pussy boy."

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October 6, 2006

Ted: Since David stole my story...

I noticed the body at the most unopportune time, two seconds before Jessi. Most of the time, I just ignore them. Not this time. Jessi saw the body an instant before I did. Her screams echoed off the walls.

"There is a dead roach in my ice cream sundae!" she screamed as the waiter ran up, her eyes starting to bug out as she doubled over vomiting.

I turned to Jacque, apologetically shaking his hand as I slipped him a franklin, and picked her up to leave; knowing I would never again be allowed to bring her to Cafe Renfield.

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October 9, 2006

Ted: Head or Tail

The thing wanted action. Didn't care what kind. Head or tail, it was all the same. I tried to be casual, but I could tell that all the people around me knew exactly what was driving me forward.

I reached the base of the hill finally, met the soldiers I'd been sent to relieve.

"You want to dice for a few more shekels? I'd like to make some back from you."

I took the coin out, that damned silver, and looked to the cave where the body had been taken.

"Certainly. I'd love the chance to get rid of this."

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