Ted Archives

March 10, 2009

Ted: It Takes Longer to Get There, When You're Lost From the Start

The crow, the frog, and Jack all piled into the car. "So, where are we going, bird?"

"Please call me Ed, the little guy is Prince. I will tell you when to turn, for now, just turn left out of the lot and keep going."

Jack wasn't concerned in the least that a talking crow was riding shotgun. He wasn't even surprised that a crow could talk. It just seemed like that was the way it was supposed to be. What bothered Jack was that Ed was such a lousy navigator.

"We're going in circles, bird."

"Cro-o-o-o-o-ak!" the frog laughed.

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March 11, 2009

Ted: Bittersweet

Carolina jasmine by the front gate, with Doll's Eyes and Daphne lining the walk. Bleeding Heart and Wisteria compete for space on the font porch. Larkspur, Foxglove, and Lily-of-the-Valley fill beds throughout the backyard. Mistletoe grows in the Hemlocks, and Nightshade crowds the
Chandelier plant.

In the far back corner of the yard, Miss Beatrice, the sweetest little old lady you would ever want to meet, is collecting honey from the hives she has kept for sixty years. She says it keeps her young, and she could be right since she didn't even look fifty.

That's some kind of honey.

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March 12, 2009

Ted: Bait

She stood at the back of the alley, looking at the men coming toward her with fury in their eyes.

"Bitch, we ain't gonna take no more of your shit. Just gimme the map."

Elaine looked at the four men, a wry smile creeping across her face. "Gentlemen, be reasonable. You know you can't take me. You know Silvio knows that. He's setting you up to die."

"Cunt! Silvio don't know nothin' about this."

"I see. Freelancing, Thomas? If only I had a phone to let Silvio know of your betrayal. I suppose I'll just have to take yours then."

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March 13, 2009

Ted: Mins of Cov O.O. Recs; JD 2454852.86389

"I remember falling, but not hitting bottom. When I woke up, I could see the money. Freaking mountains of it! But then I heard a sound. It sounded like drums, or footsteps. Then I saw the torches. It terrified me in a way I'd never been before. Damn, I need a toot just trying to remember it."


"Thanks. Then, here comes this voice, screaming, 'You stole! You enslaved us! We paid for your fortune!' and stuff like that."

"So, reverend brothers, does my dream that I'm doing wrong?"

"No, sir, Mr. President. Just means that Hell is for Republicans."

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March 24, 2009

Ted: Running Bear

For those of you who live in Virginia, you will have heard of the famous White Tail Park. Little known story, possibly not true:

They were originally going to call the place White Tail Ranch. Had all the signs made up, got incorporated, etc. But on Opening Day though, this American Indian showed up with a rifle.

"Yeah, Ah'm here to get me a whitetail since this is Opening Day and all."

The managers, a nudist couple, tried to explain that this wasn't a ranch for deer hunting, but for sunbathing.

"Aw, damn. My name is Running Bear, not Bare!"

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April 27, 2009

Ted: Monkey Shines

Albert was positive he had left the still in good hands. He found the small Patas monkey while fishing in the Green Swamp. The poor little guy was sick, starving, and his fur was matted with ticks and fleas. Albert cleaned him up, shot him full of meds he stole from a vet clinic, and set out to train himself a guard.

Joe turned out to be handy around the camp. He'd hide in the treetops and warn Albert about nearby Rangers. But training Joe to use a pistol was Albert's stroke of genius.

Now he could go kill Vera.

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April 29, 2009

Ted: Down Time

Stan and Tracy had made lists of what they would do if they hit a big one. Land up in the foothills, better schools for the kids, hobby farm.

Turns out, Tracy had skills undreamed of before leisure allowed exploration.

The lottery gave them the most important thing of all... extra time.

In ten years, the kids both had Nobels, Tracy was famous for her own invention, and Stan...

Well, Stan was handy. He fixed things.

When the President called, Stan was ready; had everything planned out. He had just been waiting for the right time.

Time to get cracking.

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May 4, 2009

Ted: Arena

The sand drinks like it was some sort of effrit awaiting sacrifice.

The novillero stood his ground while the bull charged one last time. Flecks of saliva ran down the bull's chin, blood flows from his hump where the picadors had taunted him, wearing him down before the final blow.

The bull commits to his charge, his rage centered on the man who would be his butcher. His killer stands arrogant before him, the capote de paseo resplendent.

The young man feels his blade slide home and the tug of something against his breast.

The effrit is well fed today.

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May 6, 2009

Ted: In Range

A professional will tell you that the importance of aim and wind and choice of arms are nothing compared to "intent." The shooter creates a bond between him and his target, be it a turkey in the marsh or a ready man waiting in the street, at the moment when observation of the target turns to conscious desire to end the target's life.

That bond, that "intent," can be felt by any creature; but most higher mammals have lost the ability to recognize it for what it is.

Leaving the whorehouse, I realized my day was about to get interesting.

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May 11, 2009

Ted: For Love of A Daughter

The first night in their new home was their last night. It burned to the ground. Luckily the young couple managed to get out without injury, even though the wife was 8-1/2 months pregnant.

They lost everything.

Two weeks later, in the middle of birthing their new girl-child, the hospital caught fire. Over a hundred patients and staff died. The young family escaped unharmed.

After that, they moved constantly. Never staying more than a few days in any one place. Simplifying their lives to the contents of one suitcase and a diaper bag: both of them covered in asbestos insulation.

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