Ted Archives

October 25, 2006

Ted: The Mutha Ship is Cummin

The assembled were rapt. His delivery made Dr. King's speech seem like a stuttering babblefest.

Chackkafarrah held the crowd in his hand when he spoke of overcoming oppression, living up to one's potential, and his hatred of the Jew. They collapsed in abject apology, reveling in self-loathing.

The Xtians wanted to be converted. More perceived racial guilt.


Chackkafarrah let the whole world know how bug-fuck nuts he was when he extolled the virtues of the Mutha Ship, people who told him the future, and that it was time to drink the Kool-Aid.

"Fucking psycho," they exclaimed, leaving in droves.

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October 26, 2006

Ted: The Party

"She's pretty."

"Yeah, but too high maint. Look at that hair and those shoes."

"What about her? The redhead?"

"I don't know, she's got all those guys puppying after her."

"Ok, I see the one now. Look over there, by the pool. See the one in the yellow onepiece?"

"Her? Really? Didn't think she was your type, babe."

"Well, hon, women don't have a type when it comes to things like this. We actually look at the person. Besides, we chatted in the bathroom earlier."

"Really? You already set up something?"

"If I tell you now, it'll ruin the surprise."

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October 27, 2006

Ted: Penny's Plight

Her old man had finally summoned something too big, or pissed off another wizard enough, or whatever. Great.

See, before, well, you know... we kinda had a thing going. It lasted longer than most of my other relationships, which is to say longer than a weekend. It was closer to two years before she made her big quantum leap. I would have stayed with her after that, but her probability field intersected my bad luck streak rather explosively one night while...nevermind. When I woke up in the hospital, all she left was a note.

"Stay away. For your own safety."

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October 30, 2006

Ted: Snake Eater

Folson froze, his emotions under control while around him the rainforest teemed with fear and death.

Target: less than a hundred yards away, slightly under cover.

Too far -- must get closer.

A brief, stray, thought of annoyance nagged his lizard brain as he wished his quarry could just make things easy once in a while. Two tours in Asia had taught him that the job never easy and the target never co-operated.

He raises his instrument. Good view now. Takes the shot.

Clickclickclickclick the motor drive activates and Folson has his cover shot for National Geographic:

The red-bellied snake eater.

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November 1, 2006

Ted: Penny and the Bones

"You found what?"

We were sitting in the tea room back at Penny's house, a room I hadn't been invitited into since I had known her. Her father didn't hate me so much as never noticed me, never invited me. He seemed to never see me and ignored even the most formal of pleasantries. I wasn't sure if he was an asshole by default, or just to me.

However, with him missing, Penny was Prima. So we sat, drank tea, and discussed the case.

"I found some bones, not human, in Daddy's workshop. We can ask them what they saw."

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November 2, 2006

Ted: Shipping out for New Perth

She looked at herself in the mirror, assaulted by what she saw. She was faced with the harsh truth, under flourescent lights which seemed to make it more cruel: she was being transported.

Her crime had been one of need, not malice. But the judge decreed that her former profession was perfect for a billet on the new colony. IN the new colony she reminded herself.

She went on to the next room and picked up the rest of her gear; her gloves and tanks. The two pounds of personal items she was allowed to bring were already being stowed.

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November 3, 2006

Ted: Heading to Ciudad Acuna: A True Story

"Dude, you know how fast you were goin'?"

"Shit, sorry man. I haven't driven in, like, eight months."


"Hey, why did you slow down?"

"The guy in front of me slowed down and pulled over to the shoulder: I thought he might need help."

"Naw man, that's how they drive here. They pull over so the faster guy can pass."

"Even on a two-lane highway like this?"

"Especially on a two-lane highway like this."



"What the fuck is that?!"

"Relax man. It's just the tarantulas migrating to the mating grounds. Happens every year."

"Fuck, I gotta get outta Texas."

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November 6, 2006

Ted: Finding the Way Back Home

"There he goes again."

"Yeah, been doing that ever since I started here. Every day, four or five times a day. Just wanders back and forth from one end of town to the other."

"I saw him in the same clothes yesterday, and the day before. Is he homeless?"

"Nope. Lives in the group home down by Tanner's place."

"Fucking weird. Wait here."


"Hey buddy, you lost? Looking for something?"

"That's it! I'm lost! Where's Marie? Where's Steve? How long have I been gone? You're the first one to speak to me in three years, please, you gotta help me!"

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November 7, 2006

Ted: The JCN 9000 takes a Holiday

I got nothing.

No pithy or snarky religion bashing, no lame attempt to creep you out, nothing so ambiguous that you had to read it repeatedly just to disagree over what it meant, not even a fallback to my new gods series or the beautiful but chaotic Penny and her hapless investigator ex-boyfriend.

It's raining like hell. Whenever it rains like this, my brain just shuts down and all I want to do is sleep. I think it may have something to do with an overload of negatively charged ions in the atmosphere interfering with my positronic brain.

Hang it.

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November 8, 2006

Ted: Learning to Jump at River Falls: A semi-true         story

You know I can't do that. I'll just watch.

I know, and I swore I'd never do this again. I learned my lesson from last time.

Do you know how hard I've tried? You are asking too much from me.

OK, I give. I'll do it. You didn't have to call me that.

Yes, I'm sure.

Just make sure that the rope doesn't break this time.

What do you mean, no rope?

How else am I supposed to do it?

Youv'e gotta be kidding me?



OK, here goes:


I made it! Holy shit! Let's do it again!

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