Ted Archives

November 9, 2006

Ted: J.L.S. Lives

'Perfect speed is being there.'

Murry looked through the window of the steel horse of the prairie, wishing he was already in the city.

The Red men came at the caress of night's bosom, coyotes stalking.

The cat paws of mist rolled over, a protective blanket around the womb or tomb where Murry cowered.

Wishing, wishing, wishing...a frog with wings.

Sudden buttery daylight poured over his eyes.

San Francisco: the bay a whore with beggers suckling her tits, opened her arms to him as he made good his escape.

The train was a ghost, the octopus of tracks long gone.

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November 10, 2006

Ted: Winter Break: South Florida

"Does anyone smell that?"

Sonya looked at her friends around the campfire, noting that most of them were absolutely potted.

Great. I'm the only sober girl in the entirety of the 'Glades.

"No guys, come on. Doesn't anyone else smell that? Ray? You smoking that creeper again?"

"Nope, just a good buzz from my buddy Jack here," he replied, holding up a damn near empty bottle of whiskey.

"What's that smell? And where's Jerry? JERRY? What the hell are you doing out there? Gators is gonna get you."

Jerry's body flew into the clearing.

Only Sonya escaped the Skunk Ape.

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November 13, 2006

Ted: Answers from a Press Conference

You folks of the press was already calling this the "polka-dot flu." I would like to discourage that. We don't need a catchy name to make the big headlines even more sensational.

It isn't an epidemic; so far there have only been sixteen patients worldwide.

We think the vector may be direct exposure to certain cosmetic products in conjuction with some other factor.

We cannot confirm that. The appearance of a circus shortly before the onset of each infection has not been ruled out however.

Yes, the victims were prostitutes.

No, clown cars are not being impounded. Not yet, anyway.

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November 15, 2006

Ted: Perfect Setting

Her bathroom was the apex of human technology.

The digital thermocouples gave instant temperature control on every faucet.

The shower was large enough for three people; the tub was more like a pool.

The oubliette, bidet, and floor were heated using vented heat from the incinerator underground.

The mirrors were works of art; automated cams and display screens allowed 360 degree vision.

Razors and other bath supplies were hidden in recesses that would not mar the tile mosaic designs.

All comms devices were blocked by a Faraday field, to ensure privacy.

Which made it the perfect place to murder her.

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November 16, 2006

Ted: Gimme

I fucking LOVE to smoke. I smoke cigars, cigarettes, and even pipes.

Sometimes, late at night, I'll wake up my wife to fuck just so I can have a smoke after.

I have a humidor filled with $8 cigars for dailies and $20 specials.

I hate these pussy, loser, 'don't smoke in the restaraunt/bar/hospital' assholes who are trying to make ME quit smoking. Fuck them, I pay my own insurance, I buy my own smokes.

If the government, any government, REALLY wanted to do something about tobacco, they would stop taxing it and make it illegal.

Until then, SHUT UP!

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December 5, 2006

Ted: Same old Story

Aphrodite had finally found Ares again. Through the halls of time she had stalked, looking for her lost lover, and the upstart who stole him. Her search of millennia finally over, she relaxed her defenses

Millions had copied her current persona, with her kicky hair, without realizing that they gave her power. She used this power to finally bring Ares back the her.

Until her sitcom got cancelled, and then she was betrayed again by the man she thought she would spend eternity loving. Aphrodite would make Venus pay. Didn't that youngling know that having babies would make her fat?

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December 6, 2006

Ted: some things need chains...

the jester kept the Thing in a box. the Thing had served the king loyally, but was not now to be trusted inside the palace. but it was a part of him, so he could neither kill it nor allow it to roam. he kept a hard watch on the Thing, never drinking too much, never getting high, distancing himself from all others except the queen. guarding the Thing took over his life while the Thing slavered for a chance to break free.

his friends opened the box, not realizing the danger.

the princess quailed, but the queen saved them.

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December 7, 2006

Ted: Getting Penny's Answer

The bones were old, and weird. The skull was that of a large cat. The spine was a full twelve feet long, with no arms or legs attached.

"How are these supposed to help us find your dad?" I asked Penny.

"Dad says that they react with, well, you know. Guy stuff."

The realization of what she said crept over me like a cold winter's fog. "You mean...?"

"Hey, wizards are sexual people too. Besides, I'll help."

"Penny, honey, if you're trying to get me back..." my resolve fading as soon as her tunic hit the stone floor. Aw, hell.

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December 8, 2006

Ted: The end of an otherwise inspired career...

"He's a what?!"

"Now, Bobby, go with me on this. Crime scene tape everywhere, stoic and gruff detectives scratching thier heads and trying not to barf. Then this guy comes in, shot only from the right side."

"OK, go on, Stan. Make this better quick."

"So this guy, he looks around on the ground, gets down on his knees and crawls, sniffing like a dog."

"Got it. And then?"

"When he gets up, do a one-shot, tight, on his right eye."

"Last chance, Stan..."

"Pan out, and he's a CONSERVATIVE. Blue shirt, red tie... the works."

"Get out. Try HBO."

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December 11, 2006

Ted: Out of the Cave

He screamed. Again. Then, again.

He didn't notice the irony inherent in his scream... by all rights he should be dead. But the nannys had been working on him for a very long time.

Dawn broke over his mind as he finally realized where he was.

He lifted the checklist they promised him to his face. That motion turned on the lights and he was finally able to see --- for the first time in his life.

His newly re-shaped heart worked at 110% norm, his eyes and ears and lungs rated even higher.

He exited the ice cave, reborn perfect.

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