Ted Archives

February 15, 2007

Ted: Payback

His check was short. Again.

So Jason went down to Personnel to try to get it worked out.

Mrs. Pease was consoling as always, and assured him that his next check would have his backpay included.

It didn't.

Mrs. Pease said she would take care of this personally this time. And his next check would be correct.

It wasn't. He was overpaid by about exactly $620,448.18.

Mrs. Pease asked him on the phone if he would mind not mentioning to anyone that she personally had made a mistake. Jason agreed.

His next check was short. Again. Jason went to Aruba.

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February 16, 2007

Ted: Assault and Pepper in Shreveport

Our conversation had been as peppered as the chinese steak. My greasy spoon mentality didn't quite mesh with the net of lies around me. So I schooled myself to not be a cold fish and wind up on someone's gaffe. By the end of the night, I had six slugs in me, only four of them rye. I was feeling wry about the other two and I rued the bouillabaise as well as the decision to meet this client at a dive rather than taking one.

The beignet powder mocking my wrong choice, creole spices adding too much zest, BAM!

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February 21, 2007

Ted: Penny for Your Thoughts

So there I was, a living skeletal monster offering me a wish. I knew how this wish game worked: you give an order or say the word ‘wish’ and the thing does it, but there is usually a price when it is done. Or had I paid the price already with the sex?

Never mess with magic if you don't know the rules.

So I had to come up with a wish that would take care of Penny, put the bones back to sleep, and, if possible, get her Dad back.

“Send me back three days.”

Penny stayed behind.


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February 22, 2007

Ted: Passing Messages

"Yes," I told the voice on the other end of the phone. "I got it last night. Nice of you to deliver it."

"Look on page 362, detective." The line went dead.

Finding 362, I saw what looked like a spearhead. A threat? Some kind of message? The advertising copy read "Unique Roman Spearhead." Nothing else.

The phone rang. Flipping it open, I answered with my usual line: "What?"

Same voice again. "Detective, what you see is the actual spear that killed Jesus. Are you fully aware of our power now?"

"Yup. Fuck you. Still don't care. Jessi was special."

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February 27, 2007

Ted: Copycat


"You're gonna hafta see this shit yourself. I'm puttin in for a transfer."

So I looked a question at the other officer. She looked all of twenty.. ..gods was I ever that green?

"He was the clown at my 13th birthday party. OH GOD!! BOBO YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Two other officers took her away with calming voices. Damn. Good-bye to her career.

"Is there anyone here who either saw what happened or was a first responder?"

Smythe came through a door at the rear of the room. "Jason, we gotta talk. Upstairs."

"First it was your damn clones, now this."

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February 28, 2007

Ted: 4:04 A.M.

"Come on, just once more. Pleeeeeeeeeease?"

Jessi pulled out of Dan Jason's grip. She was such a sweet girl, really. Didn't understand that Jason was trying to get her out and get her safe. He was just too fucked up to handle her intensity.

He was on day three of a heroic drunk when he got the call. It was his anniversary. He always stayed drunk that week.

The call to help Jessi sobered him just enough to flit to the Duello. But once there, the lights and music hammered what was left of his senses.

Time to call backup.

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March 2, 2007

Ted: Miserable Catch-Penny lives

It wasn't a total loss that she had gotten left behind. Maybe I could actually get some things done without her infernal probabilities mucking things up, or destroying the street where I lived.

So I says to the guy, the Watchman on the corner, to keep an eye out for Penny. He knew exactly who I meant; we go back a long way. He blanched at the mention of her name.

"Listen, Steele, keep me out of that. Duty down here is bad enough."

"Dunn, what if I tell you that you could be a hero? Get a better post?"

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March 5, 2007

Ted: Mechanical Devolution

All around her, she could feel the water. Warm and persistant. Her eyes and ears were full of Gulf. Her throat and belly welcomed the return to Mother Ocean.

She wondered how much longer.

Briefly, she tickled the shell of a tropical lobster as she lay on the bottom.

Too dark to see, there at the bottom of the Gulf; too quiet also.

Only the feeling of water around her told her she was still alive.

Pressure test passed, she raised her powerful arms and kicked her metallic legs to raise again to the surface.

Next came the sonar upgrade.

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March 7, 2007

Ted: Last Gasp

The handlers had pulled the breatheable air that was available in the now closed hull. The ship was two days away from help: with one day of oxygen.

"Parker's in stasis, hopefully revivable. Carstairs, we'll draw lots to see who takes the walk."

"Cap, I'd love to, but I can't land this bird with one eye and one foot gone. I'll be taking the walk, sir."

"I won't argue with you, Steve. But I need to be able to look Sue in the eyes and answer her questions."

"Of course, Jer. Sue's a trooper. She'll understand. Give her this letter."

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March 8, 2007

Ted: Penny Spice

After convincing Dunn that my tale was true (by showing him my 'today' self eating lunch at Ugly Sue's pub), I was able to get him to understand what would happen when Penny showed up here agitated and worried about her dad.

"So I need to get to her dad before he goes poof or whatever. But if I don't, you have to stop Penny from wrecking my neighborhood. You will be a hero who saved thousands of pounds of damage and numerous injuries."

"Fine. You win. How are you gonna rescue her daddy?"

"Easy. Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme."

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