Ted Archives

October 11, 2006

Ted: Ego

He had been diligent to the point of collapse. Day after day he ground down his soul for no real sense of accomplishment or financial gain. It had become a bitter thing, really, to sit and shave little pieces of himself off and then let others judge the quality of the cut of meat.

He finally reached his personal event horizon: nothing else would escape. He held himself in, away from the voyeurs and scavengers.

Eventually, his head exploded, as we all know.

His spirit refused to stop thinking, however, thus creating the myth of the floating advertising exec's brain.

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October 12, 2006

Ted: The New Gods, Part Ten

Niko's azure visage occluded the view of the others gathered. He had projected himself far into the past to attend this august assembly, for he was to testify.

The court was peopled by only by Masters. No cameras would record this, the only record kept would be oral: songs for the ears of initiates.

He began his climb to the Chair alone, but was joined by thousands of other projections of himself: all from different eras, all tasked to speak for the Defense.

He, along with his Host, spoke: "I Speak with true knowledge of my own Death to come."

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October 13, 2006

Ted: Bad Penny

EVERYTIME, dammit.

I saw Penny coming, towards MY flat. So I ran like hell the other way.

It didn't help.

I tripped over Steve's legs, which had re-grown and put him right out of the begging business.

I lurched into the chip shop, causing Ugly Sue to drop her rutabagas. Uglier Sue slipped on them, sent her sausage flying into the hot oil, which exploded and set the shop ablaze.

The fire brigade arrived and struck oil when they tapped the hydrant, setting the whole block ablaze except for my walk-up, where Penny waited to greet me. Again. Happy Friday.

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October 16, 2006

Ted: Slightly Altered

"Are you sure?" the chieftain queried.

"Absolutely. There were gods present last night. You know my medicine is strong. I tell the truth or the spirits would leave."

The chief looked his assembled people, scowling.

"I never believed that the day would come during my lifetime, but it seems that it has. Assemble the women and children to head for the mountains. We shall meet these gods with all the courtesy they deserve."

The chief pulled his brother the shaman aside. "If you are right, I'll apologize. But I'm chief and I say we kill this Cortez in his sleep."

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October 17, 2006

Ted: Finding a Niche

The genetic disaster that gave rise to Johnson's malformed spine also gave him a remarkable flexibility, night-vision, and flipper hands. When he went to enlist, the recruiter passed him along only because the month-end quota was looming. The pecker-checker failed him as soon as he saw Johnson standing in his skivvies with the other kids at MEPS.

But one crusty old gunny pulled the doctor aside. He had seen Johnson's type before. After a few words, the doc stamped Johnson's papers "special duty approved."

Johnson joined the USMC for the sole purpose of being a tunnel-rat, and he was magnificent.

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October 18, 2006

Ted: 300

The hot place indeed. One million Persians coming, the rest of the Greek states pulling back their armies. Athens to be destroyed and the first seat of true democracy and civilization to be wiped from the earth.

Sparta had bred her men for just such an ordeal. They were the last hope in the known world.

"Then we shall fight in the shade," the commander said, knowing his men would all die eventually.

Duty held him there. Pride too, perhaps.

These men died to the last, but they were NOT defeated.

Athens burned, but the refugees rebuilt, and remembered them.

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October 19, 2006

Ted: Party On

She could not only see the future, but the past as well. She could even communicate with someone for a very brief period, altering the past or the future to suit her plans. She would spend months drawing flowcharts, researching trends, trying to decide what little push where would make things better.

Of course the Empire wanted her talents, so they sent plenty of guys with gold. When she refused them, they sent soldiers.

The soldiers pounded on her door. Her research wasn't complete, but she had to try.

Finding the past, she said "No taxation without representation, toss tea."

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October 20, 2006

Ted: Lemme Grab my Hat

So Penny had a problem: her father was missing.

It's not easy being the daughter of a powerful wizard. They are supposed to be celibate in the first place, something about the cosmic forces they deal with affecting the germ plasm. I guess it must be true, Penny certainly had an aura of "luckons" around her. The world would be better off with both her and her old man dead: she's a walking chaos storm with no control, he's a fucking wizard.

Only problem, since wizards are immortal and powerful, only something bigger and badder can make them 'go missing.'

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October 23, 2006

Ted: Brighthouse Is A Bunch Of Yellow Bastards

He waited on hold for an hour, he even timed it. He got transferred to six people who didn't have a clue about customer service.

The appointment for "sometime between 8 and 11 am" passed had over five hours ago before the tech finally arrived.

The tech, this time at least, knew that he had to do unplug the cable from the junction box located 2 houses up the block.

The homeowner stared as the tech went two doors down the other way and repeated the process.

Try getting Brighthouse to admit they are wrong, though, and you'll see red.

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October 24, 2006

Ted: Liar

The Judge looked at the accused with a withering stare.

"You stand accused of robbery, homicide in the first degree, kidnapping, and rape. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honor."

"Ok. bailiff, please bring it in, please."

The Truth Device, a small non-descript silver box, was rolled out on an A/V cart and placed before the accused.

"Know ye all present, this device will determine the truth, and if guilty, carry out the sentence of death. Proceed please, bailiff."

The golden glow of the truth ray bathed the accused. He cried out, softly, once, then fell. Dead.

"Court is adjourned."

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