Ted Archives

July 25, 2007

Ted: What Money Can't Buy, Servitude May

"You understand what happens, yes? It will be seven years before you can walk on your own feet.”

I looked at the tiny, wizened, man. I had no choice. Everything and everyone had already been lost. Fortunes had been pissed away in the hunt for this little monkey of a man.

"Tenoc, your medicine is my last hope."

He nodded, opening my veins over a golden bowl.

He thrust another bowl to my lips as I was on the verge of fading away.

"Drink, white man. Drink of Coyote. You will walk on four feet for the next seven years."

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July 26, 2007

Ted: Once the Statue is Up, Deserve It!

Columbia was pissed.

The broken chains at her feet had been pulsating for years. Now they were grappling at her ankles.

The imprisoned lightning would no longer be held at bay.

Striking with her mighty right hand, she smashed them. Then went looking for those who would dare try to chain her.

She stalked down the seaboard. She found Abe in a city by a river. He stood for her, always a gentleman for a lady, yes. But also to hold to account those who would deny Liberty her place in history.

And Abe knew how to swing an axe.

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July 31, 2007

Ted: Two Hundred Years After

The War of New Orleans lasted for sixteen years. None of the four factions fighting really wanted to do anything drastic to end the war because it would conjure up three hundred year old ghosts of Katrina.

The Texan Hegemony finally ended the stalemate with a forced march of over a million zapatos over the levees, drawing the defending Canadian forces off towards the Monument while the New Rangers did an end run into the Quarter.

The remaining Confederates as well as the Golden Californian Guarderas retreated the following dawn.

Once New Orleans fell, Earth finally belonged to Mankind again.

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August 1, 2007

Ted: Of Killing People and Breaking Things

Kids, that is a question often asked, but few answer honestly. I guess you could say I just did they told me to do. But even that would be kind of a cop out.

I killed people. I killed lots of people. Some were truly evil. None were innocent. But they were all just doing what their officers told them, just like me.

You kids want to understand war, understand warriors? You can't. No one who hasn't been there can. But, I'll tell you this, mostly what I did was sweat, because war is always hot, even in the snow.

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August 2, 2007

Ted: Multiple Intelligence Training

We called it MIT for short. Joking of course: the geeks at MIT were nothing compared to these kids.

Ever since the aliens landed back in '04, we have been sending the smartest of our kids out to the desert to learn from them. We have gotten damn near everything of any technological consequence from these wunderkin.

Problems arose when these kids hit their twenties, yeah. But except for that one kid running off to give Opp the final bit of Manhattan, we tend to de-program them very well.

That is, until now. Some mad, insane, person is un-de-programming them.

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August 6, 2007

Ted: So bad it needs a sequel...

Dr. Emilio Rapa lowered the slime encrusted pail down into the dank and fetid well, feeling melancholy that yet another assistant had not survived his ministry. The rusted and corroded pull chain bit into his hands: hands that had killed as often as cured. "That reminds me, I need to get Junior his boosters. Inoculations are too important to skip. I dare say this chain alone is a veritable incubator for lockjaw. Wouldn't you agree, dear?"

The head of his late assistant refused to answer from its resting place.

The doctor and Junior, his clone, then made good their escape.

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August 7, 2007

Ted: It's Always a Girl

"So you think you get it? Ha."

I turned back. I could tell she was a weirdie only by the way she floated. But hey, I see weird shit in here alla time.

"Yeah, hon, I gets it. Poor you. Drink or leave, but don't bump that force field of yours into my regulars."

"All of us, from Mrs Fantastic all the way to Violet Incredible, all the shield generators...all female. Women protect. Men project. That's why they're after me. They want to clone a new generation!"

"Just who's after ya, dollface?"

"Sir! Step away from the Mutant."

"Oh. Dem."

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August 8, 2007

Ted: Hiding in Plain Sight

Asteroid 253, "Mathilde" according to Johanna Palisa, is actually blacker than coal, darker than the space it floats through. So when James realized he had to leave Mars, Mathilde was the perfect destination.

James Ralston (only his sister ever got away with calling him Jimmy) had plenty of reasons to stay in-system. But the one reason he had to leave was enough to make him sell his opal mine Earthside, rig out a freighter, and give the finger to society at large.

When Sara caught up to him four months later, she already knew his secret. She wanted to help.

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August 13, 2007

Ted: Peachtree Express

Used to be folks that took trains, at least the ones able to buy their way into the club car, had class and cash. Now it was just an endless stream of unimaginative traveling salesmen.

Her momma had taught her how to work a room, get the place heated up, make having her a prize to be bid upon in a genteel fashion. Now she was lucky if she could get twenty bucks for head and had to do things quick to make up in volume what she lost in price.

Arriving in Atlanta, she resolved to get throughly drunk.

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August 15, 2007

Ted: Invitation to the Compound

"Are you sure that she is the one, babe?"

"If you are willing, I'm willing, honey. But do you think she's ready to share that? We have known her for years, but really, we have seen her in person for only a handful of days. What if she turns us down?"

"What if I turn you down for what? I heard you up here, and, um, overheard you two talking through the door."

"Dammit, now I'm gonna blush! I haven't blushed since the Celia incident in ninth grade."

"I'll ask it then. Can you give us your strawberry wine recipe?"

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