Ted Archives

October 30, 2005

Ted: Demolition

"Pick up the phone asshole. Come on, come on, come on."


Dave? Jason. What the fuck? You were supposed to be here like an hour ago. You're only six minutes away, asshole. Get here."

"Dude, what are you talking about. I got ten minutes. Relax."

"Asshole, you forgot didn't you. Fall back mutherfucker."

"Oh shit! Sarah told me that last night, too. I'm on the way. Make the announcement and intro. I'll just go without makeup."

"OK, just remember we can't have a repeat of Dallas. See ya."

The mayor got there just in time to detonate on schedule.

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November 2, 2005

Ted: Test-Bed

"Let's see... productivity is up, utility bills are down since so much of the office works online these days.. Good job."

"Thank you, sir. WetWere, Inc. is pleased to have such a satisfied client."

"There are a couple of small problems though, things that keep cropping up. Tell me, did you ever do any game design?"

"Ummm, not WetWare per se... Some of our programmers, a solid block of them in fact, came from The Crypt."

"That explains it. Well, look, here's the thing... we need a patch. Some of our employees are re-enacting scenes from "The Wolves Take Manhatten...."

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November 3, 2005

Ted: Inheritance

Dad never smoked cigars, but he had a great humidor. Beautiful, rosewood, shiny brass fittings, very heavy. I was nine when Dad died, but Mom didn't give me the key until my thirteenth birthday.

I opened the box up in my room, alone, like Dad said to do in his will.

The photographs were amazing. Places out of storybooks were suddenly alive in my hands.

On the very bottom of the stack was a photo of my Dad, as a boy, standing in front of a huge fountain.

All I left in that room was water splashed on the floor.

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November 4, 2005

Ted: Greetings From Mephistopheles, Inc.

Dear Sir or Madame:

We are happy to offer you this once in a lifetime offer. For a mere 65% of your immortal soul, we will grant you three wishes.

These wishes can be for ANYTHING!

But that's not all! For a single 1% more, you get ten more wishes!

You read that right, thirteen wishes for only two-thirds of your soul. YOU keep the rest.

But there's more!

You also get access to the knowledge of the universe and training on how to ask meaningful questions.

Disclaimer: offer limited by heat death of the cosmos or the second coming.

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November 5, 2005

Ted: Waiting at the Foot of the Obelisk

He had grown up with the knowledge that something was just slightly wrong. All his friends thought he was a little kooky, but it didn't shake his feeling that something was missing; not just with him, but with the world. Jumps-Quickly gathered fruit from the branches around him. He went out with the other young males every day in parties of five to work the trees. He longed to change jobs but knew his mother would stop him until he at least old enough to mate. Walks-Erect would wait, hopefully, until next season, then he would lead his own troop.

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November 7, 2005

Ted: Askew

The man stepped into the city of Haven with one thing on his mind: Kill the Pope. He misunderstood the mush mouthed BBS announcer who declared the the Pope had passed on into heaven. When both feet landed on the ground just past the city limits sign, his world changed.

"Young man, you are not allowed here" stated the robed and haloed functionary who suddenly stood before him. "And why in Heaven do you have a pistol?"

The man looked at the white city with gleaming streets. "I've come to kill the Pope."

"Wrong place, son. Better head home now."

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November 8, 2005

Ted: There I Was...

The helo was late to the LZ... again. I turned to Chop to ask him to call in. He was gone.

"What the fuck?" I whispered to myself, blood from the wound in my side seeping through the field bandage. It wasn't like Chop had never faded before, but usually he gave me a heads up.

"Chop? Chop? Come on, we don't have time for this shit! I gotta get back to CON and get some blood. Get back here and pop smoke, asshole!"

Chop oozed back out of the brush. "Don't worry Cowboy, you'll be late for your funeral."

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November 10, 2005

Ted: Running In Circles

Even the graffiti mocks me. I can't possibly sleep yet, I'm not in a safe place. I have too much to do yet. Too many people to see. They don't want me to visit them, but they'll change that opinion once I get them to listen. Then they will BELIEVE!

So tired, tired of running, tired of the stares from everybody, like they know the secret but won't believe. Tired of the children. They know. They are responsible. They are MAKING this happen.

More graffiti. Bats, skeletons, cocks, and tits. Damn kids, ruining everything, keeping me awake. Killing us all.

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November 11, 2005

Ted: Civilization

The world waited. It was coming around, just as prophecy had predicted. The heavens were in alignment, the seas were in turmoil, and the earth itself was rumbling in anticipation. The calendars had piloted to this moment for millenia, the future history of the people carved in stone. Fire roared down from the sky, right on schedule, just as it had since time began. The priests had held nine thousand men and women apart, to repopulate the world after the heavens cleansed it.

Around the globe, millions watched on flatscreens or raced to meet doom in thier aircars.

Happy Anniversary.

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November 12, 2005

Ted: Lost Turtle

"Oh, no, she's lost! LOST! We have to try to find her! She can't be out there by herself!"

"Calm down, honey. Just calm down. Where did you see her last?"

"We were playing right here in the sand. Now I can't see her anywhere?"

"Is she buried?"

"Of course not, she's way too big for that."

"Did someone else take her?"

"I didn't see anyone else."

"Did you leave at any time? Go back into your shell for something?"

"Well, she did stuff me in once or twice. But my spring is broken so my head keeps popping out."

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