Ted Archives

December 3, 2007

Ted: Eighth Day

The Petitioner braved through to the Throne.

"Lord God Jehovah, I come to judge you. You stand accused of instigating a five thousand year reign of terror marked by racism, sexism, homophobia, murder, rape, pillage, plunder, violation of basic human rights You instigated, commingling of funds, and money laundering."

"You studied scripture from age two until you died at eighty-three. You were the premiere scholar, consulted by popes and mullahs, rabbis and pagans. No man in history has known more about religion than you.

Of course I plead guilty.

I hope you do a better job, because I am retiring."

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December 4, 2007

Ted: Forged

The Smith of Janpur held the two billets in the coals with his bare hands. As the metals heated and began to soften, he gently pinched pieces off both and rolled them together, melding them into an alloy stronger than either one alone.

When he had three fists worth, he pulled the glowing orb out and threw it onto his anvil. First using his fingers, he shaped the blade. Then, hammer welded the Bloodstone into the hilt. His own blood, collected under the noon sun, tempered the blade and completed the spell.

This was a blade to slay the Dragon.

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December 5, 2007

Ted: Bound

"Hey, babe? Look at this. Remember that little town we stopped in while we were on vacation,? The one by the river? Where we watched that blacksmith guy?" Jake watched his wife's face until the light of recognition clicked on. Progress had been slow after her stroke, or whatever her attack had been.

"Of course, dear," came her near lifeless reply.

"I just got the pictures back from the lab. This is really weird. Look at the smithy guy. Do you see it?"

"The Smith? I see him."

"He looks like he's got extra arms. Isn't that weird?"

"Of course."

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December 10, 2007

Ted: Montage

Have I ever seen the rain?

I have seen the purple rain, black rain, November rain, and the cold Kentucky rain. I've seen 12 black rainbows on a rainy day in New York City. I've heard a hard rains gonna fall and gone outside to just to cry over a stupid cake that someone left in Macarthur Park. I blamed it on the rain, the night my momma got out of prison. I feel it every time it rains at night in Georgia, and here comes the rain again.

I'm the Rain King, but I can't stop the rain.

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December 11, 2007

Ted: Just Before the Roof Collapsed

"Do you mean 'IN whom can I trust', Miss Teschmacher? Or perhaps you could mean 'WHO can I trust?' Proper use of the King's English is one of the few things that place US above THEM, Miss Teschmacher.

"You sit there, in your ten thousand dollar dress (that I provided to you) and your two thousand dollar shoes (again, that I provided to you) and try to raise yourself up from your Hackensack roots. However, all you achieve is the putting on of false, patently ridiculous airs, that make you seem even more of a rube than you truly are."

</>Gene Hackman delivery

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December 17, 2007

Ted: Thank You Mr. Brooks

The doctor scanned the auditorium for any hint that the assembled crowd actually understood what they had seen. He huddled backstage, the anger and fear of the crowd a wall of force, pushing him aside. His tuxedo, the height of fashion for this dashing man about town, was torn where someone from the audience had rushed the stage in anger. Even the woman with the trendy fur stole had lost her composure. Under all the screams, he could still hear "Puttin' on the Ritz" playing on the gramophone.

But none of that mattered. The Creature, and his credibility, had fled.

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December 19, 2007

Ted: Crossing the Plains

Lipkok knew there could be only one reason that his father had chosen to Walk. He had committed some crime. Not like his own accidental spillage of water; that only cost him three days staked out in the sun. No one would Walk unless they had done something atrocious.

He went to his Uncle, who was bound to tell him only the truth.

"Brother of my Father, what was his crime?"

His Uncle stood mute. If he spoke at all, it must be to answer, and his shame was too great.

Lipkok turned around and went to gather his gear.

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December 28, 2007

Ted: Sampson Duvalier Gets a New Line of Work

Could'a been anyone who happened by, but it was, by singular fucking fate, me.

Thanks, Fate. Cunt.

I lit my first smoke of the day and tried to decide if I should even get involved. As far as I knew, I was looking at someone else's problem. But then I saw the photo in her hand. Hell, I was as broke as a nigger could get in this town, but that photo was about make me un-broke fast.

Then Dog stumbled out of the door next to her, covered in blood, and I knew my reward would be earned hard.

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December 31, 2007

Ted: Survivor: LaGrange III

There were five of us, but only one Suit.

Chongo got it first when Ray-Ray shivved him in the back with a bamboo stake.

Then Ray-Ray got it from Martha. She lured him into her niche for a taste of her lagniappe, then thumb fucked his eye holes.

Suze killed Martha with a rock to the back of the head, then hung herself with Ray-Ray's belt.

At least, that's how it will look to any investigators.

Meanwhile, I will be in the Suit, safe from the fucking stobor in this place, until the network sends the shuttle.

Fucking writer's strike.

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January 3, 2008

Ted: Frank, Upon Retirement

Albania, Andorra, Armenia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Belgium, Bosnia, Bulgaria, Croatia, Czech Republic, Cyprus, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany (East, West and Consolidated), Greece, Hungary, Italy, Kazakhstan, Latvia, Liechtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Moldova, Monaco, Montenegro, Netherlands, Norway, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, San Marino, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey, Ukraine, Vatican City.

He never really thought he would live long enough to retire, or he wouldn't have done the San Marino job. He was clean in the UK, but the weather didn't appeal.

Frank had to leave the Continent.

Florida, then. Fishing, bikinis, contacts for a semi-retired lifestyle. Bingo.

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