Ted Archives

September 8, 2005

Ted: Prophylaxis

Screaming for the guards to open the gates, he ran to the keep. The confused guards opened up as soon as they realized their liege was outside the walls.

"My Lord, how did you get outside the walls? Explain, please" The captain of the guard was on the very edge of propriety demanding answers thusly, but the this night's confusion had suspended propriety.

"The lights, they spoke. Angels they were, I thought. They spoke of a plague coming soon. We must prepare. Kill every rat, burn the bodies, stop all travellers from the East. This shall not get past Constantinople!'

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September 11, 2005

Ted: The New Gods, Part Seven

Crawling, hands and knees scraped and bloody. I'll not let this be my last.

I stand.

I never had honor, so they couldn't take that. I never had valor or courage or strength either. They kept beating me until all these things I never had were memories.

They forget who I am and what it means to be me.

One step forward. They are frightened, as they should be.

Of the things I didn't have, I didn't have patience most of all.

"Return to me my compassion and I will let you live." It isn't easy being a fallen god.

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September 12, 2005

Ted: Family Tradtions

"...up your arms and convene at the Armory. Repeat in clear for all Defenders..." The battery backup died almost immediately also. Must be some kind of EMP or something.

I roust the kids and grandkids, arm everyone up, kiss my wife for what I hope isn't the last time, and tell my youngest to hold the fort until I get back. She looks up at me, ten year old eyes shimmering with unshed tears, and promises.

The kids and me jump in the jeeps and hummers and drive to town to see how we can help. Just like my daddy taught.

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September 13, 2005

Ted: Ruh, rho Rhaggy!

Up and down the coaster tracks they ride, faster and faster. The riders' screams of delight changing pitch into terror. Up the big hill, down 90 degrees, sharp turn that snaps the necks of the four riders in the rear car. The two interconnected loops serve the last rites to the next two cars. Final dive into the lake approaching as the surviving eight riders have no breath left to scream. SPLASH! Dashed into the surface of the lake at speed turns them into goo which sinks into the black waters.

Quentin got rejected as screenwriter for the Scooby sequel.

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September 14, 2005

Ted: Memento

This one? That is the profile from the columbia dollar. The one above is, of course, the seal. The two little ones beside it? My mom and my sister. My left arm? Ah. Well. They don't matter much. No. They. Don't. Matter. Don't push dammit!

You just won't stop, eh. Nosey bastard. Go away. Now.

Now you wanna take a picture. You willing to pay? Really willing to pay? Ok, it's your job after all. Give me a minute. Can you hold that cat for me? Don't want her getting in the picture.

Hmmm. Not bad. Right arm needed something.

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September 15, 2005

Ted: Ahhhh, mush

"Ok, boss, this is a classic kids cereal push, right? So, the cereal is a little odd, but the word 'cereal' has some kind of greeky mythy root right? So here we go...Ceres!"

"Try the new Elysian Fields cereal. It's just heavenly"

The brunette held up a spoonful, brought it to her mouth, and threw the spoon down. "I'm sorry Fred..." as she fled the office.

"So boss, this is like, the third Ceres I've tried today. You can't pay them to eat it.

"I guess ground up gladiator livers was a bad idea. I do like the toga though."

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September 16, 2005

Ted: The Night Gloria's Burned Down

Three years I'm here, working for Senora Gloria. Seen some fucked up shit. Like the pony getting loose and stomping Lili's snake. Or when Doc shut us down 'cuz Sophe got a dose and the townies dragged him up here by his pecker to open us up again. But man, last night. This gringo shows up the parlor, poof. Didn't go past me, or Paco in back. Was just there, esse. Gloria tell him go way or pay up. He say, "Where's Esteban?" "He dead," I say. "Then all hope is lost," he say and disappear. Then the fire started.

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September 19, 2005

Ted: A Pirate Looks at 400

"Ahoy wench, have ya seen me pegleg?"

"Edward, don't do that. I'll go to HR if this doesn't stop."

"But ye see lassie, if'n I don't get me bilges pumped, I'll be full to the scuppers."

"You have a wife..."

"Or three"

"...or three to take care of that scuppers problem for ye, I mean you."

"Hi guys, what's up?"

"You had to go and re-animate him of all people. Why, Brad?"

"Aww Doris, relax. I happened to know where Blackbeard here was killed so it made it easy to temporally locate him. Besides, he really is a great salesman."

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September 20, 2005

Ted: Ummmmmm, sorry?

Your country is no longer under the heel of a brutal dictator...sorry.

Your house got washed away by a tidal wave and we fed you and helped you rebuild...sorry.

You are allowed to have a voice in your own political future as a woman...sorry.

Your entire country does not speak Japanese, German, or Chinese...sorry...sorry...sorry.

The fucking planet is a better place to live in because we have raised the banner of freedom and independance and gone to the god-damned mat to make sure you have the freedom to spit in our faces...Sorry mutherfuckers.

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September 21, 2005

Ted: Not Big

The scientists gathered around, huddled almost, as the implications of the discovery sank into their bones.

"Jones, are you serious?" The lead scientist asked, incredulous.

"Yes, sir. Absolute zero."

"How is being maintained?" squeaked another.

"That part I am not really sure of. I am only sure how I got there. I don't know why it is staying there. The fridge isn't even powered up!"

The unit began to creak, then moan. "Jones, what's happening?"

Looking through his scope Jones replied "Evacuate the building now! The mass is shrinking! Going critical!"

The new universe began with a little bitty bang.

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