Ted Archives

September 20, 2007

Ted: Splendid Acres or Ante-Room to Hell?

Well now, fuck. Shit, hell, and damn. I thought for sure I could at last GET SOME DAMN QUIET if I came here. No such luck.

These sorry, soggy, sappy bastards just whine and moan all gottdammed day and all fuckjesus night.

All I wanted was a little space for myself. Someplace to close out the voices. The damn voices are still all around. I hear them coming at me through the earth itself.

"I didn't want to die so young." Ass

"I hope my wife doesn't remarry." Loser.

ALL OF YOU, PUSSY, CORPSES... SHUT UP!

I suicided for this?

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September 24, 2007

Ted: Fruit of the Gods

Once the seven mile deep crater was properly mirrored, solar power was possible throughout the interior of the asteroid. The greenhouses were on the surface. The soil was from mining camps and vac sterilized. Almost every camp in the Belt contributed: and paid James to collect.

The potatoes were amazing.

Grown in micro gravity, and all planted via the eyes rather than seeds, all the new potatoes were identical. Same shape, same size, every time. It made harvesting and processing much easier.

For example, it takes exactly fourteen and a half "Tillie Tots" to cook up a liter of vodka.

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September 25, 2007

Ted: Fear Induced Devolution

Sheri lukked at da fon. Yurp. redlite stil blinkin.

Sheri lukked at da fon, agin. Yurp. redlite stil blinkin. Blink blink blink

Why cum da lite blink, but no ring ring ring?

Sheri lukked at da fon, agin.

Sumone gotta call soon, tell when he gonna git home.

He say he call soon.

Hit fon, make lite stop. Wait, voice, cummin from the fone.

"garblegookwarblesnot"

Dam, not him. Where her boy at?

Caint call cops, dey hurt boy

Sheri lukked at da fon. Put back togedder.

Mens take boy from her, tell her dey call, but don.

cum on, ring!

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September 26, 2007

Ted: The episode where Penny's father makes a mistake...

The three suitors had far less aplomb.

"But, we've negotiated in good faith," simped the first.

"Indeed. We have brought gifts beyond this person's comprehension," snorted the second.

The third said. "I, for one, welcome a new challenger."

"Sorry fellas, not here for her. Here for him. Could have a moment, Sir?"

The Wizard wasn't amused. Then he made the other three disappear. "Son, you smell like you bathed in magic. How did you get here from there, outside, wherever, through my wards?"

What could I do? I showed him the spell.

I didn't know he would fuck it up.

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September 28, 2007

Ted: Full Grown

The Athena Project, the last, best hope for the North American Union, was the brainchild of Stephan Galikinoucous, commonly known in the press as Professor Zeus, even though he had never actually taught at the collegiate level.

His device was radical, yet it was as easy to use as all his other inventions. Once the Olympian Waste Liberators (OWLs) were in place, energy was practically free.

When the Shield came on line, Athena was complete.

"How did I think this up? It just popped into my head full grown and demanded to be let out," he told the assembled reporters.

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October 1, 2007

Ted: Semi True Story

When I was a kid, a skeleton would come out from under my bed and grab my legs every night. I would scream at the skeleton and the pain. Dad and Mom finally figured out that I was 'jimmy legging' and told me the skeleton wasn't real. Eventually, the weird pains stopped and I stopped being afraid of ghostly skeletons.

Last month, the damn skeleton came back. He grabs my legs gives me horrible screaming cramps in both calves.

Every morning. For a month. Better than any alarm clock ever.

But you'd think my grown-up me wouldn't still see him.

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October 2, 2007

Ted: Pithy

The more- than- monkey, less- than- man creature stretched his rear limbs out until his knees were totally straight. Thus secure between branches, he could lazily munch the sweet fruit in comfort while his kin tottered, swayed, and sometimes fell to the ground.

The female noticed that he had much food.

The male noticed she smelled of heat.

He threw a fruit.

She fell.

He leaped down, still with his knees straight, seeming taller to the other males.

This male, taller and better able to get food, got the female pregnant. His offspring thrived, eventually outclassing their cousins to extinction.

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October 3, 2007

Ted: Ed's Story: or How Sara Got Her Man

I had to steal a crappy buggy and pray to make it to the Coyote District in the Belt, where my brother said to come if I ever got into trouble, because the Russian mob on Mars was pissed I saw their marked cards and won at a crooked card game.

Of course, that buggy didn't last.

I put out a Mayday on the junk radio and hoped.

When she came to my rescue, asking if I was 'Ed', it seemed like a good time to change my name.

Seemed like a small price to pay to be with her.

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October 5, 2007

Ted: Boondocks

The pirouge putted up to rickety, fog shrouded dock in the glow of a sunrise yet to come. Mama Elzbet wern't 'specting nobody, but she didn't bother dressing. You come up on an old woman down here on her own patch, you best be ready for a sight or a fight. She grabbed her shotgun and pushed aside the alligator hide she used for a door.

"Ya'll got need of a fix-it man, ma'am?" asked the darkie at the tiller.

She looked round her shack, at the reefer she grew out back, then shot the man in the face.

"Nope."

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October 8, 2007

Ted: Dangerous Dawn

He asked to be relieved of duty, transferred or put on leave. Extreme pressure from above made that impossible. Leave would be granted after this damn thing was all wrapped up, not before. Plus, he really was the only one with enough contacts to make this stop.

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Meanwhile, the city was nervous. Everyone in this sinkhole of a town wanted to know what exactly was coming out of the ninth ward.

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Iggy called. "Meet me at the Dive Shop," he said and hung up. Ah. Hell's bells. Always with the drama. "Cunt." Keeping him alive is going to be fun.

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