Ted Archives

October 19, 2005

Ted: On Schedule

For three nights now, right at 4:13, the noise starts. It lasts until 4:26. Thirteen minutes. Thirteen. Why? I don't know why, hell I don't even know 'what?'. I wake up and can't get back to sleep before dawn. I took a sick day today and sure as shit at 4:13 P.M. it started again. My wife never hears the sound. Never hears the screams or the machines or the steam whistle. Never notices the charnel house smell.

Yeah, I asked around. No one could tell me anything. Nothing ever happened to haunt the place.

I think I'm going crazy.

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October 20, 2005

Ted: Phoning Home

The expanses of space were separating him from home. His health was failing. He knew he had to trust his native friend if he was ever to communicate with his people. Using the primitive technology of this world, they were able to cobble together a rudimentary beacon. They only had to get the beacon back to the landing site and activate it. Then the local bureaucrats tracked him down. Escape was difficult, nearly deadly.

At the site, alien and child set up the beacon only to receive a busy signal. They live in Encino now, partners at a green nursery.

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October 21, 2005

Ted: 2:14 A.M.

"Did you fix the charcoal?"

He woke up and looked at his wife, trying to decipher her words.

"Yes, honey. I fixed the charcoal."

Peter knew that trouble was on the way. Somehow, when she slept, his wife always knew when trouble was coming. And what they would need to take care of it. Last time, she asked if the ladder was ready. That ladder was the only thing that saved them from the aliens. What the hell would they need charcoal for?

Peter climbed out of bed, trying not to wake her, to go check on the charcoal supply.

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October 22, 2005

Ted: Would you believe...

"Can you believe that these blokes actually PAY us to come out here and 'investigate' this stuff?"

"Quiet, Brian!. You wanna blow the whole thing, you wanker?"

"Bugger, Seth. Bugger them too. It's not like we make the damn things. But these blighters are so ready to believe bleedin' monsters did it, they'ed buy anything we tell 'em, right. They've no clue about real science, do they? I heard it's some blokes doin' this by strapping boards.... Hey! What the hell is that?"

"Brian, I don't think I like the looks of that. Is it a machine? Is it... AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGH!!"

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October 24, 2005

Ted: Schroedinger's Knock

"What the hell?"

Peter rolled over, his wife still asleep. "Better get that."

Sighing, Peter put on some slippers. Answering the door, Peter saw a tiny calico kitten. But no one was there knocking. He looked out into the driving rain, " Nope." Then he looked to see if there was any damage from whatever the wind knocked against the door. "Nope," again.

Picking up the cat, he went inside, the wind gusting spray at his back just the door slammed. "Jane? What shall we name your new kitten?"

"Storm," she answered, still asleep. "She'll be handy when the fire comes."

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October 25, 2005

Ted: The New Front

Abner knew he had the new weapon for a new era. The army of the twentieth century was run almost entirely by clerks. Paper pushers and bean counters. Abner's inverntion could spell ruin to the war effort if it fell into the wrong hands.

He packed up his old farm truck and headed to Washington. He drove carefully, taking the old wooden bridge with fear in his heart.

He was awarded a huge contract the next day. The Paper-Cut Generator, decimated the enemy. The atrocities were seen by only a few. Abner vowed to never agian invent anything so horrific.

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October 26, 2005

Ted: If wishes were fishes...

The sun was setting as Samuel looked at his days catch. One mullet. He and Wife would eat tonight, just not very well. "Wife is not going to be pleased. I can hear her carping already."

"What carp?"

Samuel looked around.

"In the bucket."

Samuel knew the stories. He knew that wishing fish could be tricksters if you got greedy.

"Are you a wishing fish?"

"Of course."

"How many wishes?"


Samuel was a simple man, no thought of crowns or glory. His wish was simple. "Feed my family."

By morning, the fish was swimming again in it's glass bowl.

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October 27, 2005

Ted: 3049

Humans had lost fear of death over a millennium ago. Humans began expanding beyond Earth within fifty years. Within 200, humanity reached for the stars. Experimental science for it's own sake had broken down the walls of ignorance that had bound this race for eons, and paid dividends on a quantum scale.

True love, where all involved actually spent time together, learned the mind and soul and heart of each other, flourished in this new universe. Families and hearts and joy grew.

People had time to learn art, science, history, and self-reliance.

When the invasion came, the humans were prepared.

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October 28, 2005

Ted: Cop out

"You know, if it wasn't for my sense of humour, I would swear I was losing my mind."

From the episode Hoodlum Rock

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October 29, 2005

Ted: Scene

"OK, I wore the fuzzy hat."

"Thank you, dear."

"I wore the rubber trenchcoat."

"Yes, and it was fabulous, love."

"I was even ok with the spike heels, fishnets, garters and letting you fuck me up the ass."

"That was a special weekend, darling."

"But this has got to stop now. Here is where I draw the line."

"But this party means the world to me. My boss will be there, so will my Mom. This one dinner party could change our entire future. Can't you please do this one time, for us?"

"Judy, I won't wear a tie. Period."

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