Ted Archives

July 1, 2005

Ted: Uncle Charlie

He'd said it, over and over he'd said it. One day the glacier was gonna crack. And today it had.

Charlie looked at the crowd gathered around him with malice in his eye.

"You dumb bastards. It's not like I ain't been telling ya for ten years. This was a bad idea from the start."

Charlie looked back to the hillside, hoping that the frozen monster inside would just stay put.

"It took fifteen days, three tanks, and Holiday's elephant gun to get it holed up in there. Why didn't you bastards pour concrete or something?"

Too late, they understood.

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July 2, 2005

Ted: The New Gods Part Five

Sulek was going to be reborn, she thought as she found her place in the chapel. She looked at the shrouded four who were joining the godhood today, but couldn't know which was Sulek in his new form until he was named and the Abbot annointed him.

Throughout the system, billions watched as the Abbot, Tivik Himself in his diamond flesh, stood nude before the four. She was allowed to be present in person only at the request of the new godling, her brother.

Tivik finally called Sulek's name, and she screamed when she saw the form he had chosen.

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July 3, 2005

Ted: What About Bob?

They told him over and over. He kept saying no.

They kept at him day after day. Still no.

They took away his clothes. No.

They wouldn't let him bathe. No.

They did what could not be bourne.

He said NO.

Suddenly, they let him loose.

They followed him for a week and picked him up again.

The answer is still NO.

For six years, he said NO every single day.

Then just to have something new to do, he said Maybe.

They let him go, he went to his father's house, and hung himself.

This experiment was a success.

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July 4, 2005

Ted: Take Me to Your Leader

Zoltari was ready. On his homeworld, he had studied this society's evolution. He was dazed by how fast things moved, how quickly ideas flowed and mutated into something new, how old ideas were revered only until the latest cultural referent changed the direction society was moving.

Some things in this universe were worth saving. Some ideas and ideals were universal and shouldn't be masked or ridiculed by the whims of a few. Zoltari donned his costume and went forth to save the one nation on this entire planet who had demonstrated the truth that the universe already knew.

Freedom is.

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July 5, 2005

Ted: Bali Hi

The sailor rowed ashore in his lifeboat, not knowing where he was. The woman who found him brought him to her father. Her father had spent enough time with the missionaries that he knew the sailor's language.

"Why are you here?" asked Pulu.

"Sin," replied Abrahms.

"Whose sin?"

"The trecherous crew who mutineed. My sin for failing the Crown."

"Do you wish to return, or stay? Perhaps marry?"

Abrahms looked to the woman who found him, clothed as Eve before the fall. He knew that staying would bring sin to paradise. He imagined the gallows waiting behind him, and decided.

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July 6, 2005

Ted: Slang

"Oh no. You did not just call it that!"

"What's wrong baby? You said to talk dirty."

"You could have said a lot of different words, dammit. I said dirty, not degrading. Try again."

"The mood is kinda gone now isn't it?"

"Do it dammit!"

"Allrighty: I love the way you taste. Your bush/ pussy/ taint/ hot box/ clam/ beaver/ fuck-hole/ slot/ quim/ snatch/ trim/ cherry/ wool/ gateway / twat/ cocksocket/ poontang/ cooze/ marble arch/ honey pot/ cooter/ coochie/ dripping delta/ flower/ muffin / fur/ gash et-fucking-cetera tastes fucking great. Now I am fucking out of here you stupid, controlling little cunt."

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July 7, 2005

Ted: The Club

I looked at my colorless hands. Tonight would change everything. After tonight, I would be in the Band of the Hand, or a fruit-boy.

I walked up to the entrance and gave it the knock. The eye looking out of the slide took it's time about making up it's minimal mind before letting me in.

The bouncer, with his bright blue hands, wanted to know next of kin, marital status, employer, residence, and probate status. The dead in this club are dead in all but fact, so the Law requires paperwork.

"Welcome to Club Duello. Prepare to duel by nine."

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July 8, 2005

Ted: Once upon a time...

In a land far away, there were baby factories. People who wanted babies would go to the baby store, pick desired features, and wait for the delivery.

People soon discovered that the babies were smarter and grew faster than they did as kids. Parents realized these babies were better.

It turns out that the fertilizer had been tampered with by a disgruntled workman who had read about something called "sex". That's his holo over there. He was a madman who created a race of supermen to dominate the world, but he rediscovered sex, so he is a hero to me.

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July 9, 2005


"Mommy, dolly wolly Molly wants a lolly."

"Honey, we've been through this. Your doll can't talk, it is not a person, it is just plastic and cloth."

"Mommy, dolly wolly Molly wants a lolly."

"Really now, is this any way for a big girl to act?"

"Mommy, dolly wolly Molly wants a lolly."

"Young lady, this is getting silly. You are not an infant. If you want a lollipop, just ask for one. The answer is 'no' but at least you will have been honest."

"Daddy, dolly wolly Molly wants a lolly."

"Sure sugar, but don't let your mother see."

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July 10, 2005

Ted: Endangered?

The Greater and Lesser curly horned frogs are native to two ponds in Florida. The Greater makes the distinct sound that some have likened to the sound of rocks rolling in a velvet-lined steel drum. It is also diurnal, doing most it's hunting and mating in the daytime while spending the night singng.

The Lesser, though smaller, has a much larger horn. It makes no croak whatsoever. It's preferred prey is the Greater curly horned frog.

When the area around the ponds was slated for development, the cement trucks were attacked mercilessly resulting in the death of over twenty drivers.

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