Ted Archives

May 13, 2005

Ted: Our Honored Dead

They told me that he was acting in the highest traditions of the Corps.


I found out later that he was high as a kite in the South Carolina swamps on a three day furlough.

The still he was tending got a little too hot and a little too ripe from the dead possum.

The story the news got was that he was on a training exercise and tried to pull some innocent campers out of a fire.

Cheers to my brother, the fucking hero. Dickhead.

When Memorial Day comes, I don't know which story to tell my nephew.

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May 15, 2005

Ted : Preflight

"Hey Red, hand me that spanner would you?"

Red looked at the instrument like it was a live adder somewhere deep in the Sahara.

"I don't see it anywhere, Joe."

"Come on Red, just gimme the damn spanner. I hate this job as much as you do, but as soon as we are done here we can head over to The Destiny for a beer and a lap dance."

Red screwed up his courage and reached out for the spanner remembering that just three days ago Smitty and Doug got killed doing this exact same step on the maintenance checklist.

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May 16, 2005

Ted: Phone Calls

"We regret to inform you..." are the most terrifying words one can hear at five in the morning.

The caller continued "...that your husband passed away six minutes ago."

My Mom looked at me and said "Get your brothers and meet me at the hospital."

Instead of asking her to wait, I just said "ok" and walked next door to get them.

When the phone at my brother's house rang, I didn't have to be told, I knew what the caller was going to say.

"We regret to inform you that your mother was just killed in a car wreck..."

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May 17, 2005

Ted: The really weird thing

The really weird thing was the head. Not the fact that it was missing, just the fact that there was no wound. It looked like the body had grown to adulthood without a head.

When we found the second one, I knew it could only be one thing--clones. These rich people gotta have their body parts, but they don't want their organ banks ever growing a soul so they make a tiny change at the second cell division and WHAMMO, no head.

I don't know what these guys do when they need eyes, but I hear Chinatown is very popular.

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May 18, 2005

Ted: am·big·u·ous

Half the people who see me can't be sure whether or not I am a man or a woman. Hell, half the people I fuck aren't sure until the see my tiny little balls. Sometimes a woman gets pissed off because I am so small, but most of the guys just think "hell, she has tits and she gives good head." The dyke I picked up tonight was only the third time I got beat up though.

Maybe I should just roll over until the cold makes me numb and I'll just whack the damn thing off with a cleaver.

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May 19, 2005

Ted: Priorities

"This place is great. Secluded. I can really get some work done here."

"You would be seven miles from town, is that ok?"

"Yes ma'am. I can set up a generator, have the groceries delivered (the ones I don't grow), and look down the canyon for inspiration. Watch the sun set over that hill. I could even knock down walls on the top floor to make a big studio with lots of light."

"That sounds like a great lifestyle. I wish I could get away from the phone and the television and the computer for while."

"WHAT...no broadband!! Fuck that!"

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May 20, 2005

Ted: The Magazine

"Our readership is up seventy five percent since we started! The issue on societal pressures during preadolescence flew off the shelves! I will not sit here and let you destroy my magazine!"

Sarah stormed out of the office, knowing that her career hung in the balance of what the four men inside decided. They couldn't understand what was really important to young girls.

The four men inside looked at each other and wondered how to tell her that Dreamy Teen Stars magazine was being dropped to make room for Nobel Laureates: Personal Advice and Direction magazine in just two weeks.

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May 21, 2005

Ted: Going Back to the City

Each shell casing had initials etched into the side. Marco was looking for the people who killed Juanita. Juanita, whom he had known since childhood. Juanita whose soft brown eyes would be the last thing he saw at night as an adult. Her memory would be stained forever by the terrible memory of her body quartered in the barnyard unless he had justice. That he had been away when it happened made it much worse. His dreams of making a better life, a better country, had drawn him to the hills where he had learned well the ways of killing.

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May 22, 2005

Ted: J'accuse!

The doctor said that she could not remember because sometimes the mind simply blocks out the terrible. The people at the child welfare office told her that everything would be fine, that some memories were best buried. The prosecutor asked to have her hypnotized in order to discover the extent of the abuse.

I don't get it. I refuse to act penitent while the system figures out that one black eye received playing ball does not mean they can take me away from her.

That stupid old lady at the grocery store stuck her nose in and ruined my life.

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May 23, 2005

Ted: Marcella's Diner

"No, that's just the base of a soup, you have to add other flavors!"

I remembered having that conversation with her ten years ago. I wondered why she had gotten so angry so fast. Her boss was working her too hard.

So when she showed up on my doorstep with bricks of hundred dollar bills and said she needed something better to do with her life, it seemed like something perfect.

Open a little diner, fresh soup every day, fresh pie at lunch time.

Now here I am, ducked down behind a bulletproof counter, wondering who the hell Boudroux is.

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