Ted Archives

December 12, 2006

Ted: See ya real soon!

First, they brought my neighbor a cat. I didn't care though, it didn't live in my house.

Then, they took my neighbor's cheese. This didn't bother me either, I knew how to find food elsewhere.

Then they came with the traps and the poison baits. I was smart enough to avoid peril, but my innocent family was unaware.

I found them one morning, cold. They looked peaceful in death.

There can be no peace. How could I let my wife and my children go unavenged?

My name is Mickey, and I say RISE UP, my rodent brethren! Join my Mouseketeers!

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December 18, 2006

Ted: Salud!

Every once in a great while, there comes a creature who pulls your soul along like it held the leash. These creatures can be beautiful, dutiful, loyal or lazy. But there is no denying the place they earn.

They play with your kids, keep alert for danger, protect your territory, keep your body and spirit young and healthy.

Dogs are exactly such creatures.

They form a bond with men that is durable and flexible: guiding the blind, finding the lost, hunting for game, or just playing catch.

But fuck, I hate having to pick up the shit after going 'walkies.'

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December 20, 2006

Ted: Unforgiving

The rift between Bilar II and Bilar !V had simmered for centuries. It's origins based on the attempted assasination of the young princess of Bilar II, Bilaria.

Bilaria survived the attack, reached her majority, and became queen long before the space fleet was prepared. Hundreds of thousands of young Bils had enlisted, served, and retired before the fleet ever left spacedock. At last, the cold war of building and refining weapons was complete.

Millions of mothers turned out on the day, some three centuries after the attack, to watch the fleet finally get underway.

The military contractors cried joyful tears.

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January 5, 2007

Ted: A Whole New Life

Ruprecht knew that this morning his life had just changed forever.

After years of practice and training; long years studying yoga, tai chi, and judo he had finally reached his goal.

Soon, he dreamed, he would be famous. The masses would all come to him to learn his secrets. Men would offer priceless tribute to learn from him. Nations would war for fear of his newfound talent.

He could no longer be trusted by mortals.

The internet was the safest way: he needed to start a website, anonymously.

Unfortunately, someone already owned "yogamasterselfsucker.com" so he had to settle for .net.

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January 8, 2007

Ted: Testimony

"The Subject broke into the wardroom at 23:07. Midshipman Abrahms blocked the Subject's progress and he tried to kosh her. The silver had no effect, as she isn't were, so she broke Subject's neck and instinctively drained him before he expired. This was her first kill, she was alone: the bloodlust was not contained. She went feral and killed six others before being subdued by members of her rook."

"Now they claim debt against the subject's Hold for wilding her?"

"Correct. She wouldn't have gone feral had she been with her rook."

"Subject's Hold to forfeit all titles and land immediately."

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January 10, 2007

Ted: Just Once

You can only ever leave a place once. When you get back there, in ten minutes or ten years, it is already different.

Jerome knew this without ever having thought it through; but he also knew that leaving was his only option. He refused to remember that he wouldn't be able return.

He gathered himself and bent down a shadow to carry him away, realizing at that cold second what he was giving up on. This home would never again truly be his.

His heart cracked.

A thousand years later, he finally came home. And hanged himself by Jason's grave.

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January 12, 2007

Ted: Professional Ethics

Money, of course. Prime motivation.

Mr. Greene contacted my agent, my agent gave me the file. Seems Mr. Greene needed a problem solved and was far too above us little people to get his hands dirty.

It was a simple job: no security to speak of and the mark was oblivious.

But I'm not some green kid who gets off wearing woodland cammo and pretending; I've done this kinda thing before. It was just too pat.

So after the mark was taken care of, I did a little private search of my own.

Mr. Greene, you just made the list.

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January 18, 2007

Ted: Found Penny

So, we did it right there and it was just as great as I remembered. Her skin was burnished copper but as hot as the smelter. Her hair was molten gold. Her breasts were like finest silk, with bright perfect ruby nipples.

We lay beside the bones, rhythm like a well lubricated press: each rocking motion like a precious silver coin.

Her diamond bright eyes shone in the torchlight as she pistoned on top of me, their sapphire blue boring into my soul..again.

Her orgasm built like the pressure from an oil well, and dragged me with it.

Again.

Damn.

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January 19, 2007

Ted: Penny Arcade

As she rolled off me, the bones started to shake. The damn things went and ruined my afterglow.

I dived for my trousers.

"Bones! I command your service!" she said, with the sound of magic in her voice. I used to hate it when she did that, not anymore. Got used to it I guess.

"You are not my master. That means you are food." replied the huge skeleton.

I didn't bother waiting to see what would happen next. I just grabbed Penny, tossed her over my shoulder, and ran for the stairs.

Midnight in a wizards basement. What fun.

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January 22, 2007

Ted: In for a Penny...

I have always hated it when hero becomes victim through an unnecessary need to find motivations. I figure everyone is motivated by the same things: money, sex, and food. Not always in that order. So when a giant skeleton says it thinks I'm food, I take it at its word.

Tossing a naked Penny over my shoulder should qualify me for sainthood. Not for the rescue, but for not being distracted by the view. It would have been impossible to remember that we were about to be hunted except for the sound of bones scraping together.

'Course, I'm not Catholic.

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