Ted Archives

August 27, 2005

Ted: Inside Playing on a Rainy Day

With an incredible burst of speed, the dog turned and started to run. His paws skidded on the cold tile floor, the clacking of his nails and the jingling of his collar a far too bizarre dichotomy. His prey was oblivious to the sudden but inevitable attack. The dog snarled viciously as he closed with the intruder, his jaws mere inches from contact. The blind and deaf target rolled to the wall, bounced backward over the dog's head, and squeaked defiantly. Barking again, the dog circled, searching for the hard rubber ball.

"Get it boy!" laughed the young boy. "Fetch!"

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August 29, 2005

Ted: The Once and Future....

"Herbert?"

"Yes, Phillip?"

"What is the point of light we can't see? I mean if we're smarter, faster, meaner, and more deadly than anything else on the planet, shouldn't we be able to access all the natural resources available?"

"Hmm, you may have something there. What if we could see the entire electro-magnetic spectrum? What could we learn?"

And the rest is history. Upon being able to finally see the continous spectrum, Mankind learned their true place in the cosmos and created a world, then a galaxy, of peace. All because some stoned MIT grad saw a black light bulb.

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August 30, 2005

Ted: I hate you, Andy...

That was the last vocalization ever made by the never-great diva. Her words were sung however. She had spent her life training for her big debut. After years of study, practice, vast fortunes spent on instructors and voice coaches, and traveling around the world just to keep her instrument in the best possible atmosphere, the truth was inescapable.

She sucked.

Her talent could be measured in a thimble.

But inexplicably, when Andy finally couldn't take it any more and knifed her to death, her last words rang pure to the heavens, calling forth the host of Valhalla to avenge her.

(Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.....Ed Gardner)

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August 31, 2005

Ted: The Beginning of the End

With a tiny little popping sound, the universe vanished. THIS universe was fine, but the one I had created inside the bell jar was decidedly gone.

Day and night I had spent riding herd on the energy matrix, slowly building the mass and light curves, and adjusting the temperature and density just to prepare the matrix for the moment of the "mini-bang."

After five days, it collapsed, all that energy and mass just gone. Damn, I abhor a vacuum.

Jehova in the next lab has managed to keep his going for six days now, maybe I'll ask him for help.

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September 1, 2005

Ted: You got the Bonus Plan (1)(a)

So. Now what? I could have sworn last night that this chick looked a lot hotter. Maybe I can just eaaaaaaase out of bed and not disturb her. Shit! She's rolling over. Hey now, niiiiice rack. Damn, now I know why I hooked up with this one. I wonder if I can get the sheet the rest of the way down without her waking up. Slowly, slowly. Shit! Moving again. Gotdam what an ass! With an ass and rack like she got, who cares about the face. Gotta see the snatch, baby. A liiiiiiitttle tickle to make you squirm. DIIIIIIIICK!

(1) The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.

(a) Because I think I'm the only one who could actually quote any part of that movie.

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September 3, 2005

Ted: Bush-whacked

After six days in the water, the helo finally arrived to rescue me. I was floating on my coleman campaign cooler done up in woodland camo and wearing my fatigues. I'd been planning a hunting trip that morning when the levee burst, so I had my rifle, ammo, supplies, and lots of facepaint sunscreen.

I spent two days in the truck then four more days on the cooler, rationing my strength and water.

The helos flew over twice but didn't stop for me until I took off my damn shirt. The Coastie said they thought I was just a bush.

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September 4, 2005

Ted; The Great Change

It all started when the new Labor Party took control of the house of representatives. Unlike the party of the same name from across the Atlantic, the American Labor Party was driven by a real agenda. They wanted reform and wanted it now.

First, they pushed bills that limited the amount of money that could be bugeted to the revenue actually expected. Thus, if there was any surplus, it could go to balance national debt. Second, they stopped paying contractors who didn't meet deadlines. Just like a business.

Finally, they pushed true free trade through the house. That equalized everyone.

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September 5, 2005

Ted: The Magic Cookout

Everyone remembers where they were when Jonny Crabcake came to town. I was seven, playing tag with the guys, when we smelled the wonderful aroma. In backyards across town, hundreds of folks stopped what they were doing and turned as one. That scent drew us right to Hot Dog park, where the big statue of Oscar Meyer used to stand. There we found Jonny, with a big pot hung over an open flame, tossing crabcakes into boiling oil. He gave us a new life that day. No more slaves to the typical cookout would we be. Heed his lessons well.

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September 6, 2005

Ted: The Dead Swan Caper

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm standing here on the red carpet and we are shocked at this display. The famous Scandanavian pop sensation, Bork Bork Bork, has just been slain coming out this seasons Paris fashion show. The two assailiants are still on the loose, having departed in a large, feathered, Rolls-Royce. These two were dressed in bizzare swan costumes similar to the ones the singer wore a few years ago in that famous fashion disaster. But these costumes were headless and covered in gore. As they gunned her down in cold blood, one was heard to scream "Quack now bitch!"

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September 7, 2005

Ted: One Thousand Princes

The abbey bells ringing woke the startled boy. He had been running for weeks now, across steppe and highland, through dark valleys and over forbidding mountains. One thousand boys had been sent to make sure that at least one would get through. One thousand boys all on different paths, but all leading here. The sound of these bells meant that at last he was getting close to his destination, and his destiny. Huddled against the cold of the Tartar winter, no longer a babe lost in the woods, the boy rose from his blankets and ran to claim his crown.

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