Ted Archives

January 6, 2006

Ted: Door into Spring

We, myself and Cindy that is, came upon the door near Da's house. Out past the greenhouses and the pastures. It wasn't really on Da's property, but the Shea family had long since moved away.

Cindy thought it would be a good place to hunt for bugs for our school project. Since I was older, by all of seven minutes anyway, she said it was my duty to lift it.

At first, pulling from the top, it wouldn't budge. Nor the sides or bottom. Cindy said "Just open it, Jason."

And that was when the whole world changed. Oh, my...

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January 9, 2006

Ted: Mondays and Thursdays

The HomeOwner's Association handed me this flyer when we moved in:


Garbage pickup will be before dawn on Mondays and Thursdays.
Garbage cans cannot be on the curb before midnight the previous night.
Garbage cans must be off the curb by 7 a.m.
Garbage cans must be one of the three on the approved list.

Fines for non-compliance begin at fifty dollars, going up for each further infraction.

Welcome to Shalimar!"

I'm up to eight hundred and sixty dollars in unpaid fines.

I compost the Association Board officials when they come by to collect. I've only gotten more popular.

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January 10, 2006

Ted: Bedtime for Henrietta, aged Three

Stan looked all over the place. Pickles, the cat, was missing. Henrietta simply could not go to bed without Pickles. Henrietta loved Pickles. Daddy had to find Pickles, or she could never get to sleep.

So Stan kept looking.

He looked under her bed.

He looked in her closet.

He even looked under the couch, and the cushions of the couch.

In a fit of desperation, Stan opened the refrigerator door.

There was Pickles, the cat, sitting serenely on top of the dill pickles.

"Thanks Daddy, I forgot that he wanted to visit with the rest of his family."

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January 11, 2006

Ted: The New Gods, Part Nine

The earth shook. The sky screamed. The seas boiled. The Change had come to this globe.

Janruk beheld the chaos around around him, and smiled.

The remaking of an entire world was his dearest duty and pleasure. He contemplated the planet's core, and adjusted it's density. The globe shrank. He beheld the seas, and raised or lowered the land to enlarge and deepen them. He breathed in the atmosphere, and cleansed it of the poisons he found.

The waste he spat into the sky to form a moon.

Janruk, The Change, had come. We dedicate this world to his name.

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January 17, 2006

Ted: Party Favors

We had kidded for years that for my fourtieth birthday, all wanted was an orgy.

My birthday started out with Jane waking me up by deep throating me. Not a bad start.

Since it was Saturday, I was looking forward to a day of making love to my wife.

By noon, I was starving. Jane finally crawled off me and I cooked breakfast.

We fucked like rabbits all afternoon.

At seven, she told me "happy birthday", and mumbled to "wash up, guests are arriving soon."

By eight, the house was full of naked, fucking couples that I fell asleep watching.

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January 23, 2006

Ted: A Tale of Tail

Suzi sat next at the end of the bar. She needed a ride home. I wondered what kept bringing her to places like this. I didn't walk directly to her though. I wanted to survey the bar. The barkeep waved me over. "If you wanna get a little tail tonight, just offer Suzi a ride home. She will fuck anyone who gives her a lift."

I walked up to Suzi, offered her a ride home, took her home, and fucked the shit out of her.

I returned to the bar, and shot the bartender for talking bad about my sister.

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January 24, 2006

Ted: She Really is Gone

She's gone. I don't know how long she had been gone, but the place was empty when I got home. Too much to ask for her to stay, I guess. The last 23 years had been too much for her. I hadn't been there when she learned to walk, or ride a bike, or even for her wedding. My wife died, so she had to grow up alone. I didn't do what they convicted me of: the DNA finally proved me innocent. But she had a life to live. A life away from her "rapist" father.


The kitchen?


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January 25, 2006

Ted: "See the Great Egress": P. T. Barnum

Too damn many. Too many of these suckers are just hanging around, looking at the same 'oddities' that they have already seen. Too many are starting to wonder about the 'Fishman' skeleton and the two headed snake. I even heard some talk about calling the sheriff and having the show run out of town. I tried to make the damn exit look exciting, to lead them on to the midway and the rest of the show. I need more turnover here, move them through fast to let the next group in. But how? I need them to want to leave...

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February 1, 2006

Ted: Vengance of a Woman Scorned for Sega

"It has to be here somewhere, dammit!"

"Stan, calm down. I'm sure we'll find it. I will replace it if we can't."

"I know this may be hard for you to understand, Kim. But I need this back. Why the hell did you have to throw it away?"

"I already said I was sorry. I was just so angry. I really am sorry, honey. This will never happen again, I promise. Just come back to bed, it's 3 a.m."

"I can't sleep knowing it is out here. How many original Luke Skywalkers do you think there are in the world!"

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September 25, 2006

Ted: Bring in the Wine

From the desk of Jimmy:

From the first of December to the end of January will now be represented by the new sign "Bacchus". You can see this visually in the southern sky. This new zodiacal sign shall be celebrated with nightly ritualistic drinking of wine and tequila. Anyone still vertical by midnight on any night during this season shall be required to lie down, preferably with someone else. Acceptable worship position are 'lamp of Bacchus', 'flying wine bottle', and of course my favorite, 'dueling fountains of spirits.'
(see appendix "Enlightenment Paths" of the Scripture "Good Wine for Good Spirits")

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