David Archives

January 28, 2008

David: Gumshoe

It’s a talent I have, finding things trying to stay lost. It pays the bills.

I started with those Waldo books. Frankly, I never saw the appeal. I mean, the guy stood out like a sore thumb everywhere he went; where’s the challenge?

Next, I hunted down Carmen Sandiego in those computer games. Again, as long as I was up on my history, math and science, I generally had her pinned down before the theme music ended.

This one was tricky. All the man knew was that she was a natural redhead, and she stole his heart. And his kidneys.

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January 31, 2008

David: Turns Out, Black Holes

The book says that God worked six days and then took a break. There’s no mention of what He created in the following days.

On Day Eight, He invented the cirrocumulus cloud because he felt the upper atmosphere lacked zip.

On Day 42, He came up with Douglas Adams, and left Himself a note to implement him later on.

On Day 77, He thought up the rum and coke, which He found ironic.

Day 78 He took off again.

On Day 100, He invented relativity and quantum mechanics, couldn’t decide which He preferred, and installed both to see what happened.

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February 1, 2008

David: Not Meant To Know

“What?”

“That thing, right there.”

“Oh, that. Huh. That’s funny. I walk past here every day, and I don’t think I’ve ever noticed that before.”

“Noticed what?”

“That thing.”

“What, this thing? What is that thing? How long has that been there?”

“How long has what been where?”

“This thing that I have my hand on. It looks old. Don’t you think it looks old?”

“Don’t I think what looks old?”

“What?”

“You asked me if something looked old.”

“I did, didn’t I? What was I talking about?”

“Beats me. I hate when that happens.”

“Hey, look at that thing.”

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February 4, 2008

David: A Joke, by Kevin Smith

A man-friendly lesbian, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus walk into a bar. At the corner table, Banky is regaling Holden with his theory that Iron Man is actually some kind of bondage fantasy, and that the whole Marvel Civil War was a metaphor for Captain America coming to grips with his pedophilic homosexuality.

Holden turns and sees the man-friendly lesbian, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus step up to the bar and order daiquiris. Holden points them out to Banky. When Banky turns, Holden smacks him in the back of the head and says, “Thanks a fucking million, asshole.”

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February 8, 2008

David: Weaponization

“That’s a planetbuster bomb?” asked the general, looking askance at the ballpoint-sized object.

“Of a sort,” answered the scientist. “It’s impossible to build a physical object containing sufficient energy to destroy a planet while not being either antimatter or a planet itself. Instead, this contains the idea of destroying a planet.”

“Continue.”

“Our imaginations are infinite, so if we can tap into it, we get enough power to do anything we want. This transduces imagination into kinetic energy at a rate exceeding 500 megafancies, which, obviously, will do the job.”

“But… it’s so small.”

“It’s not that big an idea.”

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February 21, 2008

David: I Feel Drained

“Well, for one thing, doc, it’s green. Considering that I don’t recall growing up on the planet Vulcan, it seems to me that this is something I ought to be concerned about. But I’m a little distracted from that fact right now by the slightly more important detail that it is no longer inside my body.”

“I see.”

“I woke up this morning standing in a pool of this stuff. I figure it came out of this bite on my arm I got from a dog in the park yesterday.”

“Hmm. Any fever?”

“You’re not a real doctor, are you?”

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March 10, 2008

David: All Oracles Are Bastards

I didn’t believe the old gypsy woman. Truth to tell, I didn’t understand her. It wasn’t just the accent, either. As far as I knew, I would never have cause to miss her.

A few years later, things went bad between us. Between her infidelity and my suspicion over our son’s paternity, it got pretty crazy pretty quick. We dragged each other through court and the mud for years.

I can’t believe she got everything.

I finally understand the gypsy’s words as I lay there, smoke rising from the barrel, looking through the sight at the hole in the door.

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March 11, 2008

David: Accomodations

“Hey, how was your trip? Where are you staying?”

“Not bad. I got a room over at the Waverly. It’s swanky.”

“Got to love expense accounts.”

“Boy howdy. Although I wanted to stay at my brother’s town house and pocket the per diem. But he and his girlfriend, Sally Tina, are having a thing and needed time alone.”

“Bummer. Especially if the cash could get you a place at the Waverly.”

“Well, I can’t stay just anywhere, since I travel with my goldfish. He has special needs.”

“Listen. I’m you’re pal, but I have to tell you. That’s totally crackers.”

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March 12, 2008

David: Learned That The Hard Way

“He said I was stupid, ugly and smelly. He said I was the sun and moon. He said I had the breeding of a Barcelona harlot and the grace of a twelve-toed ballerina. He said I was the first thing he thought of when he woke up in the morning, and the last thing before he went to sleep. He said he’d spent the last week following me and picking out sniper perches along my route to work. He said he loved me.”

“Oh, that’s just Schizophrenic Bob’s way. It means he thinks you’re cute. Just… don’t accept any gifts.”

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March 13, 2008

David: Harlequin

“And yet I feel as if I’ve known you for a thousand years.” Her knees went wobbly as the soft countertenor voice flowed over her like molasses. “I am Baron Mordecai Ptarmigan. Welcome to my estate.”

“Um, thank you,” she stammered, cursing the unaccustomed high heels for doing nothing to counter the unsteadiness she felt. “You have a lovely home.”

“It is a hovel compared to the beauty of your eyes. If you would but grant me the boon of your smile, I would consider myself richer than my accountants tell me I already am.”

Inwardly, she cursed her lesbianism.

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