David Archives

January 22, 2007

David: Cat And Also Cat

The other ship was at the edge of our radar range, winking on the scope as asteroids passed between them and us. If not for Callie’s mods, we’d never have seen them at all; they were that good.

They’d been following us for four days. The worst was having to pretend we didn’t know about them while trying to maneuver away in the brief periods when the Belt gave us cover. They were faster and better armed, which meant they weren’t ready to make their move yet.

Time for Plan B. “Bring me a hostage and open a comm channel.”

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January 23, 2007

David: Perspective

Gary floated in the middle of his Olympic-sized swimming pool behind the mansion on the estate he bought with some of the money he won in the lottery. In the distance, he saw the glass door slide open and his wife -- the gorgeous, loving, sexually experimental, utterly faithful, genius supermodel -- step out, wearing a string bikini with less material than a cocktail napkin.

“Damn it,” he mumbled as he idly fiddled with the magic ring on his finger. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Wishes are supposed to backfire and ruin your life.”

Gary was a masochist.

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January 24, 2007

David: "Wells"

“Ginger or Mary Ann?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Who do you prefer?”


The proctor smiled at him. “Sir, here at Rosie Palm Dating Service, we find that people tend to idealize what they’re looking for in a mate if allowed to choose from a list of traits. Instead, our patented system uses a series of contrasting pop culture icons to build up a profile of your interests and priorities. Then we match you with someone appropriate.”

“Oh, I see. Mary Ann.”

“Bailey or Jennifer?”

Meanwhile, in the next room:

“Ready to begin, Barbara? First question: Gilligan or the Professor?”

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January 25, 2007

David: And Then They Ordered A Pizza

“Dude, I heard a joke. What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair black?”

“What, man?”

“Artificial intelligence.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Your mom does.”

“Guy! Burn!”

“Shut up, man. Man, don’t talk about my mom like that.”

“Dude, I’m just yanking your chain. Like your mom did to me last night.”

“Shut up, man! I’ll kick your ass!”

“Carpet don’t match the drapes. Know what I’m saying, dude?”

“Fuck you, man. My mother’s a saint.”

“Must be why she’s so good on her knees.”

“Man, if wasn’t so totally wasted right now I’d fucking kill you.”

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January 26, 2007

David: Philosophy Majors

“Superman versus Dracula: who wins?”

“Superman, duh. A vampire’s two main weaknesses are sunlight and fire. Superman is powered by the rays of our yellow sun, and he shoots fire out his eyes. Superman wins. Besides, Superman can beat anybody except Batman.”

“No way, dude. Everyone knows Superman is vulnerable to magic and mind control. Vampires are supernatural creatures who can control minds. Supes is toast.”

“Let’s say you’re right. So what? Dracula turns Superman. All that solar energy in his cells would instantly vaporize him. But I still say Superman wins.”

“Okay, what about Superman versus vampire Batman?”


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January 29, 2007

David: Better Or Worse

I knocked on the door to my own home. “Honey? Are you here?” I called out.

I stood patiently, listening to a series of chains being unlinked, deadbolts being opened, and swing arms being swung. Finally, after I heard a chair dragged across the hardwood floor, my door opened a crack.

“Are you alone?” she asked me.

I sighed. “What happened this time? Did the mailman scare you again?”

“Say the safe word.”

I rolled my eyes. “’Magnolia.’” The door slammed shut. “Crap. Is it Thursday? ‘Honeysuckle Rose.’ Sweetie?”

I got out my cell phone and speed dialed the locksmith.

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January 30, 2007

David: Square One

Later, people would compare it to an electromagnetic pulse, on a more basic level. But that’s nonsense, right? An EMP can’t make gunpowder and gasoline stop burning. It can’t stop people’s doors from locking or turn every known pharmaceutical inert. One could kill the power company, sure, but it wouldn’t drain all the batteries.

Some say it was God unmaking the world. Some say it was an attack by aliens. Some say the terrorists finally sent us all back to the Stone Age. Frankly, all I cared about was trying to bash open a can of food with my iPod.

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January 31, 2007

David: Little Reminders

I see my ex-girlfriend at the New Year’s Eve party. Our eyes meet, and every reason why we broke up flies straight out of my head. Passion pulls us together like magnets made of antimatter. We collide on the dance floor, and adjourn briefly to a guest bedroom.

When midnight rolls around, she’s nowhere to be found. I want to celebrate our reunion with the traditional New Year’s kiss, so I go looking for her. I find her in that same guest room, with three guys and another girl.

Oh, yeah. She’s a cheating whore. That’s right. I remember now.

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February 1, 2007

David: Motivation

“I see an opportunity!”

“How so?”

“We paint a mural, something uplifting, something that will make the people of this neighborhood feel good about themselves, stay off drugs, finish school, and become productive members of society.”

“You think a mural can do all that?”

“Art has the power to move people. It has to be bold and uncompromising. It has to make people think. It has to refuse to be ignored.”

“It has to be approved by the guy who owns the building.”



The four-story “Hang In There” kitten poster didn’t go over as well as some had hoped.

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February 2, 2007

David: Precious Moments

“We’re going to be late, Betty!”

“For what, Stan?”

“You’ll see.” He stopped at the theater. “Two, please.” He hustled to the concession stand. “Large popcorn, heavy butter. Watch your head opening the popper.”

The concession stand kid opened the glass door, and stacks of cups atop the machine started to tip over. The kid caught them. Stan got his snacks without incident.

Stan led Betty into the theater and sat down just as the lights dimmed.

“This is my sixth time,” Stan told Betty as the opening credits for The Complete Lord of the Rings Trilogy began to play.

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