David Archives

July 25, 2007

David: Worse Than The Disease?

Harry read the data sheet from his new prescription.

“Hey, Sally! Check this out,” he called to his wife. “’Warning! May cause brainal leakage.’ Do you think they mistyped ‘anal leakage’, or does this stuff make my gray matter leak out my ears?”

“Stop shouting!” Sally called as she walked into the room. “I can hear you fine.”

Harry thought he hadn’t been shouting at all.

“Well, you were,” Sally replied. “You still are. I’m standing right here.”

Huh, Harry thought. Weird.

“It’s not weird; it’s annoying.”

What? Testing: I hate your mother.

“What’s Mom got to do with it?”

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July 26, 2007

David: The Spoils

“Is it done?”

“Yes, sir. The modifications have been completed to your specifications. Sir, I am compelled to ask again if you are absolutely certain about this.”

“Hey, I saved this whole freakin’ planet. I drove off the aliens single-handedly. The grateful populace offered me any reward I wanted. Did I take the Mona Lisa?”

“No, sir.”

“Did I have my face carved onto the Sphinx?”

“No, sir.”

“That’s right. I think I showed remarkable restraint, considering.”

It was pandemonium at the gallery when they revealed Rodan’s “The Thinker” re-sculpted with Jimmy the Needle’s face and a 12-inch erect phallus.

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July 27, 2007

David: Passages, All Alike

How did I end up like this?

There I was, minding my own business, not bothering anyone, when I suddenly found myself in the middle of the woods, next to an improbably colossal cave. I started looking around, as one would, for someone to tell me what’s going on, where I am, how to leave, or anything useful like that.

I wound up inside the cave eventually, starting to get a little concerned. I started compulsively picking up random items I found laying about.

Now, I’m in a pitch dark chamber. I think I hear something breathing. Something gruesome. Xyzzy.

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July 30, 2007

David: Filmed Before A Live Studio Audience

“What the hell are you watching?”

“It’s this hilarious new sitcom I just found. See that guy in the ugly sweater? He has to make a gourmet dinner for his boss so he can ask for a raise, and he only has one working appliance to cook with. It’s a trip.”

“I… think that’s an infomercial.”

“You crazy, man. They’ve been running a marathon all night. Last episode, he spilled red wine all over his wife’s new white carpet and had to clean it before she came home. Before that, he almost got sucked into a wacky religious UFO cult.”

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July 31, 2007

David: la-DAH de-dah, la-DAH de-DAH DAH, de dah...

“Bruce!” she called out as she ran out of the diner. “Where are you going?”

He reluctantly turned to face her. “I can’t stay here. Not after what happened.”

“You can!” she insisted. “Now that the Yakuza have been stopped from taking over my property, you’ll be safe.”

“You don’t understand. I can’t risk it.”

She approached and took his hand in hers. “Explain it to me.”

“That… thing will be on the news. I can’t be here when reporters start showing up.”

“Where will you go?”

“Better you don’t know.” Bruce turned away and started walking down the roadside.

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August 1, 2007

David: The Clarity Of Youth

“Well, honey, I didn’t agree with the reasons we were told for going to war, and I had a moral objection to taking someone’s life. So, when they tried to make me fight, I moved to a magical land called ‘Canada,’ where no one would ask me to kill anyone. I was free to write protest songs and petition our government.

‘I’m a hero, sweetie. I helped save the lives of all those young boys and girls who would have died had the war continued.”

The girl started wailing and ran out of the room. “Moooom! Dad’s a dirty hippie!”

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August 2, 2007

David: Teach Your Children Well

It was project day at the Institute for Really Advanced Science. Dozens of super-genius children had their projects set up on card tables in the gymnasium.

Anastasia won third prize for her improved mutant meat-eating plant. It could consume a Chihuahua in a single sitting.

Second prize went to Archibald, whose revolutionary cybernetic implants kept a week-dead badger in a constant state of angry, pain-fueled agitation.

The program was disrupted when Theophilus’ laser-guided mosquitoes escaped their enclosure and ran throughout the gym, draining patrons and spreading the hyper-virus, killing one third of them. The survivors awarded him the blue ribbon.

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August 6, 2007

David: The Thrilling Conclusion

Madigan lowered his machine gun. “That’s for my daughter,” he spat at the drug dealers lying bleeding before him.

“Madigan!” The chief’s voice slammed into the crack den, interrupting the cop’s reverie. He stumbled outside, into the spotlights and gun barrels of his fellow officers. “Now you’ve done it!” the chief continued. “The mayor’s gonna crawl up my ass and sleep there for a week after this. Hand in your gun and badge! Now!”

Madigan dropped his weapon, and fell to his knees beside it, exhausted. He looked up at the moon and softly whispered, “It’s over, baby. Rest now.”

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August 7, 2007

David: Too Soon?

He stood shouting on the corner; he had to get word out. “They’re lying to you about what happened on 9/11! I know the truth!”

Another man stopped to listen to the ranting. “Okay, I’m listening. What really happened?”

“It was muslim terrorists! They came into the US on student visas, and learned how to fly at flight schools in Florida. Then, they hijacked passenger jets with boxcutters, and crashed them into our buildings!”

“So Bush was bankrolling terrorism?”

“No! A Saudi prince named Osama bin Laden was.”

The man shook his head and walked away. “Conspiracy nut,” he muttered.

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August 8, 2007

David: Necessary Evil

Clark slunk through the back door of the seedy bar. The man heh he was there to meet was waiting at a table in the corner, away from the prying eyes and ears of the dive’s few other patrons.

“Does she suspect?”

Clark nodded. “Exactly what you want her to.”

A strong, perfectly manicured hand slid an envelope across the table. Clark picked it up and shook it. The rattle of gemstones satisfied him.

“Don’t you feel bad about lying to her?” Clark asked.

“We’re not lying. Whatever conclusions Lois arrives at are her business.”

“See you next month, Kal.”

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