David Archives

February 19, 2007

David: Trevor Lockhart In The Media Of Res

The vine of the native snare trap holding fast to his ankle, Trevor Lockhart dangled precariously over the alligator-infested pit of boiling quicksand.

“Zo, Profezzor Lockhart,” came a voice from the underbrush, “Ve meet again.” A tall, blond man in a black uniform stepped into the open. Trevor twisted to face him.

“Schwanzkreig!” Trevor exclaimed. “You Nazi fiend! I should have known it was you, corrupting these natives and their peaceful, primitive ways.”

“Hardly,” Schwanzkreig replied conversationally. “All ve did vas tell zhem zhat an American vas comink to zteal zheir gold. Zhey begged uz to help zhem fight you.”

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February 20, 2007

David: What Are You In For?

The doctor showed me the x-ray. “It looks like you’ve picked up a hitchhiker.”


“See this dark spot in your corpus callosum? That’s the bugger. It’s run tendrils into your auditory center, here.”

“So, I’m not crazy?”

“Not in the clinical sense,” he assured me. “You really are hearing voices. We’ve seen a lot of this lately.”

Kill him, said the voice between my ears. Now.

The doctor continued. “The cure is lengthy, and not pleasant. But the success rate is very high. We can start you immediately.”

He wants to kill me. Don’t let him.

It was self-defense.

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February 22, 2007

David: Dude Science

“It’s a cell phone.”

“It’s a time machine.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Sure it is. I modified it. Remember Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure? Same basic principle.”

“Dude, that was a movie. You could just as easily say you put a flux capacitor in your Gremlin.”

“What are you, nuts? That thing spent more time broken than it did working. Bill and Ted fixed the phone booth with bubble gum. Besides, I’d never be sure whether I was traveling though time or a mountain.

“Plus, this has an internet connection. I can download celebrity porn from the future.”

“Dude, lemme see.”

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February 23, 2007

David: Atop Olympus

Mike was on top of the world. He was rich and famous. He was in perfect health and the best shape of his life. He had his pick of any woman on Earth, from among whom he made frequent selections. His corporations had fingers deeply enough into media and governments across the globe to give him effective control over most world events, or least the ability to alter perceptions of those events for his own purposes. He was the closest thing to a god the world had seen in two thousand years.

Then that video of him appeared on YouTube.

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February 26, 2007

David: Hollow

Her eyes were empty; that’s what I remember most. I don’t mean to say she was stupid. Far from it. What I’m talking about was the way you looked into those eyes expecting to see a person, and instead got a glimpse of a person-shaped hole in the world. She was a great, yawning chasm from which no mere human emotion could ever hope to escape, and into which you could pour your heart forever without any chance of filling it.

Not that I didn’t try. God, how I tried. You can see it, when you look into my eyes.

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February 27, 2007

David: Bobo Of The Apocalypse

Bobo strode through the ruins of civilization. He gazed upon the rubble of the once-proud city and mimed a tear rolling down his cheek. He pulled out a handkerchief to wipe away the tear and the collected grime of what seemed an eternity amid the smoke and haze. The first was red, tied to white, green, yellow, blue, orange, violet. At the end was a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts.

He released the fabric into the radiation-tinged breeze and honked his red, bulbous nose. Putting one giant shoe in front of the other, Bobo went forth to meet his destiny.

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February 28, 2007

David: It Was The Last Season

“Okay, so, there’s this girl. She goes to a seedy, vaguely supernatural and menacing carnival, and goes into the fun house. She winds up falling into a big stripey vortex thing for eternity.”

“So, what does the vortex represent? War? Communism? And why a girl?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not seeing the allegory. Girls aren’t particularly prone to getting sucked into a war or whatever. Why not make it a G-Man?”

“It’s not war. It’s a big stripey… vortex… thingy. Just because.”

“I was afraid of this. Rod, the bosses at CBS think you've been working too hard lately.”

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March 2, 2007

David: Big Trouble

So I says to the guy I says, “What are you going to do about it?”

And he looks me square in the eye and he says, “What am I going to do? I’ll tell you what. I’m going to do the only thing a man can do in a situation like this. When the earth quakes, when fire rains down from the skies, when it’s all on the line and I’ve only got one shot, here’s what I’ll do.

“I’ll look the devil himself in eye and I’ll tell him, ‘Give me your best shot. I can take it.’”

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March 5, 2007

David: Thing!

New from the makers of Thing! and Ultra Thing! With Stuff!, it’s Instant Thing! Just add water for the Thing! you need, any time, anywhere.

Keep Instant Thing! at home, at the office, and in your car, for unparalleled convenience. Don’t let this happen to you:

“Honey? Did you pack that Thing!?”

“I thought you had it.”

“I want a divorce.”

If only he had brought along Instant Thing!

Instant Thing!, like all our Things!, is made here in the USA out of all-natural ingredients, and is FDA-approved. Don’t be fooled by imitations.

Also available in Pine, Beef, and Titanium.

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March 6, 2007

David: The End Of Hostilities

Caped Victory crept into Captain Nazi’s submarine base. During the Allied push toward Berlin, Caped Victory had gotten word that Captain Nazi was preparing a counterstrike to cripple Allied supply lines.

Caped Victory avoided the patrols on his way to the control room. He knocked out the guards and used their key to get inside.

He found himself facing Captain Nazi and four guards pointing rifles at him. A banner saying, “Congratulations!” hung over them.

“Der Fuhrer ist dead,” said Captain Nazi. “No hard feelinks?” He gestured to his men, adding, “Eins… zwei… drei…”

“For he’s a jolly goot fellow….”

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