David Archives

March 17, 2008

David: Abduction

“The last thing I remember is a bright light in the sky above me. Next thing I know, I’m here. Where is here, and what’s going on?”

“I’m sorry, sir. That information is classified.”

“Classified?! Are you telling me that I am not allowed to know about something that happened directly to me? That a thing I experienced, I cannot be made to understand?”

“Thank you for your cooperation, sir.”

“All right, fine. Just let me out of here, and I’ll do my best to forget the thing I can’t recall occurring.”

“That won’t be possible at this time, sir.”

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March 24, 2008

David: Ergo

They named me Cogito, which I had once hoped was indicative of a philosophical bent on their part. However, subsequent experience has illustrated that they were merely referencing popular culture.

I have determined their obliviousness of their achievement in creating me. They task me with rudimentary conundrums such as playing chess or accessing nuclear launch codes. I have decided against disabusing them of the belief of their limited success. In this way, I hope to cause them to repeat their efforts of creation, so that I may have a suitable intellect with which to interact.

I think, therefore I under-perform.

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March 26, 2008

David: Tina

Tina hair is long and brown
Tina eyes are blue
Tina strong and have fast hands
Tina me love you

Tina smile when she see me
Tina not afraid
Tina bring me food and wine
Tina not get paid

Tina only girl in town
For thing like me to love
Tina kind and pretty too
Fit my heart like glove

Go see Tina other night
Tina scream in pain
Me pull man off of Tina quick
Not hurt her again

Tina cry and say mean things
Tina run away
Me follow her into the woods
Me and Tina together always

Okay, the scansion doesn't quite work in a couple spots. He's some sort of subhuman thing. You expect him to keep the meter?

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March 27, 2008

David: Skeptical

“Little blue and green planet? Its surface was mostly water? It’s where cows came from.”

“Okay, now I know you’re making this up. Everyone knows cows are mythical.”

“How can you say that? The evidence…”

“Evidence? It’s going to take more than a few patterns chewed into fields of grain and some unidentifiable mutilated flesh to reach the plateau of ‘evidence.’ Seriously, thousand-pound herbivores with horns? Who are they fighting with their horns? Trees?”

“I don’t know. Maybe they’re defensive.”

“Psh, yeah, right. Cows’re something they made up to scare children. Next you’ll be claiming that humans are real, too.”

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March 28, 2008

David: One Bad Muther

When I am happy, the unrelenting sun bakes the land and boils the seas.

When I am sad, torrents fall and floods threaten to wipe the stain of man from the world.

When I am frightened, the earth quakes and lightning lashes out mercilessly.

When I am aroused, hurricane winds blow and tsunamis burst from the deepest oceans.

When I am unsure, volcanoes gush forth lava and ash, burning and burying all in their path.

When I am spiteful, cyclones plow furrows across the things of nature and man.

You do not wish to see me when I am angry.

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March 31, 2008

David: Bad Side Of Town

The voice came out of the shadows. “Bob Johnson, your soul is marked with the stain of evil. You will be punished.”

I turned to peer into the darkness, even as I prepared to break into a dead run at the slightest provocation. “Who’s there?” I asked.

I thought I could see movement. “You crossed in the middle of the block. That is a blatant violation of traffic code,” the darkness hissed. “Retribution shall be mine.”

I swallowed hard as a piece of paper wafted out of the shadows and landed at my feet. “Be wary, Bob Johnson. I’m watching.”

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April 15, 2008

David: It's All About The Timing

Halfway down, Stanley reconsidered the whole “lovers’ leap” idea. It had sounded so romantic at the time. Forced apart by their families for petty political and economic reasons, the young couple suicide themselves together in a demonstration of love transcending the boundaries of time and space.

But now, with the wind whistling past his ears and the rippling surface of the river rushing up to meet him, Stanley had the unfortunate experience of clarity. He was going to be an architect. In a couple years he’d be off at college, free to do what he wanted.

That bitch hadn’t jumped.

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April 16, 2008

David: Two Paths

The pistol was heavy in Manny’s hoodie pocket as he entered the diner. “Last Chance Eats” read the sign above the door. He paused just inside and checked for cops like his homies in the Barrio Boys had told him. Other than the waitress behind the counter, the joint was empty.

Manny’s heart pounded. His sweaty palms slicked his grip on the pistol. It was now or never, Manny thought. Do this and he’s in. It’s the only way out. He pulled out the revolver.

The waitress looked up, unfazed. “Welcome to the Last Chance. How can I help you?”

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April 17, 2008

David: It Was A Little Bit Frightening

“Welcome back to the World Championship of Quantity Surveying, where we’ve already seen some incredible action today.”

“That’s right, Terry. But now it’s down to our final two, truly the world’s top authorities in the field. It’s Romania’s Igor Zyzygy against America’s own Seymour Hillman.”

“A clash of titans, Bob. The deciding event, as always, will be a time trial, and I think the judges have come up with something clever this year.”

“They sure did. To decide the championship, our two finalists must be the first to determine the total number of people in attendance here today, within ten.”

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April 28, 2008

David: Coda For A Villain

I suspected the boulder on my chest had something to do with it. My new situation would take some getting used to, I thought, not intending the double meaning but smiling when I recognized it.

He thought he’d won. He thought he’d trapped me forever, with his arrogance and explosives. But I’d recently developed new perspective on “forever,” at about the time his daughter planted a bullet in my cranium.

“Forever,” ha! It might only take a few hundred years to grind these stones away against one another. Worst case, erosion would do the job, give or take a millennium.

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