David Archives

October 17, 2007

David: The Simple Things

“I wanted to raise flowers, or maybe farm. Something with my hands. Something that would do some good for people, you know?

“Okay, maybe getting flowers doesn’t change anyone’s life. But they look pretty, and they make you feel better.

“But my parents didn’t approve. I had responsibilities, they said. I was meant for greater things than scratching at the earth for my living.

“And then they died, so I was stuck. It was either accept the coronation or surrender our lands and people to our slave-driving and corrupt neighbors.

“That’s why I decreed every household had to keep roses.”

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October 18, 2007

David: Homeopath

Antonio the circus acrobat was lucky he wasn’t fired after the stunt he pulled.

It was the climax of the show, and he was dangling by his knees from the trapeze, swinging high above the center ring. His upside down juggling routine always brought down the house.

However, instead of his usual chainsaw, bowling ball, and live kitten, Antonio produced from his pouch a bottle of water and a silvery concoction, each in clear bottles. Dramatically, he mixed the two liquids high above the audience and presented the colloidal silver potion with a flourish.

He got benched for a month.

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October 19, 2007

David: When Murder Isn't Good Enough

“Holy Jesus! What is that?” he cried as I unslung the accelerator wand from the backpack.

I pointed it at him. “This? Is a tachyon rifle. It fires a stream of subatomic particles which travel so fast that they propagate backwards in time rather than forward. This has the rather disturbing effect of impacting the target before the gun is actually fired. Which brings up a few very interesting philosophical questions, which you really don’t have time to ponder anymore.”

“What are you talking about?”

I smirked as I took careful aim. “I’m going to shoot you in your childhood.”

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October 22, 2007

David: 3D100

“My guys are all turtled up beside me, while I stand facing the horde. I make like I’m surrendering, but I’m really just dropping my helmet and shield to get rid of the armor check penalties. Then I kneel on the ground, acting defeated.”

“Xerxes sneers in victory.”

“At my signal, my top lieutenant jumps out of the phalanx and bisects the negotiator. In the ensuing melee, I pick my spear up and spend a round aiming.”

“Chaos erupts as the unsuspecting horde is surprised. Xerxes is flatfooted.”

“Called shot to his head with my spear.”

“Long range. Roll it.”

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October 24, 2007

David: Huge-nificent

“Look at the size of that thing!”

“It’s ginormous!”

“It’s bigtacular!”

“It’s collawesome!”


“Yeah. You know. ‘Collosal’ plus ‘awesome.’ It’s a word.”

“That’s terrible. It sounds like the thing came out of someone’s butt.”

“Seriously. Plus, I don’t think that’s a proper mooshing. You’ve just tacked ‘coll’ on the front of ‘awesome.’”

“So? You just put ‘big’ in front of ‘tacular’.”

“’Big’ is a single syllable taking the place of ‘spec’. It’s a perfectly valid combination. Your ‘coll’ is just hanging off the front end.”

“I just wanted to participate.”

“Yeah, okay. Still, it’s a shame about the meteor.”

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October 29, 2007

David: Shopping at Things 'n' Stuff

“No, I would not.”

“How about a hot one, then?”

“Ew, no.”

“We have big ones, if that’s what you’re after.”

“What kind of person do you take me for?”

“And, we also have little ones. Very discreet.”

“You are a disgusting little man.”

“If you’ll step over here, you’ll see we have red ones, blue ones, green ones, and yellow ones. Of course, you can get these in hot or cold, and large or small. We carry a wide variety.”

“Have you any… squishy ones? Yes, with little twisty bits?”

“Madam! I run a respectable establishment. Those cost extra.”

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October 30, 2007

David: Counterpoint

I am interrupted by the doorbell. I remove the gloves and head upstairs. Through the peephole, I see a witch and a pirate.

Dammit, they’re early. My preparations are incomplete. Still, I plaster on a smile and sweep the door open.

“Trick or treat!” they shout.

“Well, bless me! What frightful creatures have come visiting?”

A woman stood behind the little darlings. “I hope you don’t mind,” she apologized. “We’re leaving town tomorrow, but they insisted on making the rounds.”

“Never you mind, dearie,” I replied. “Let me go see what I can offer.” This year’s batch needed testing anyway.

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November 1, 2007

David: General Order #1

It was the time of the quadrennial Great Space Race, when beings from throughout Known Space would gather and test themselves and their starship designs against one another for honor, glory, and a fat prize.

It was a sub-light race, of course, through the various hazards of the Crux, the system at the center of Known Space and the home of the all-encompassing Star League. Known scientifically as Beta Crucis, the Crux had asteroid fields, dust clouds, and the shifting gravity of an orbiting secondary to challenge ship designers on a dozen worlds.

“Now what will we do?” asked the

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November 2, 2007

David: An Old Hope

“Damn it,” Ben thought as the hologram faded. “I’m retired. Haven’t I done enough damage already?”

He studied the farm boy with an appraising eye. He had his father’s eyes. Ben reminded himself that he’d spent the last eighteen years combing the sand out of his beard specifically to avoid just this sort of situation.

But prophecy was prophecy. There was nothing for it but to round up the other one and try to redeem himself by succeeding where he had so spectacularly failed before.

He reminded himself to tell the kid she was his sister, next chance he had.

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November 7, 2007

David: The Disrespectful Youth

“Have you tried Hare Krishna?” asked the guy at the bar.

“What?” It was the only response I had.

The guy moved to a closer stool. “Sorry. Muppet Movie reference. You said you were lost. It’s a running gag.”

“The Muppet Movie? The Muppets made a movie? Why would anyone see a movie about the puppets from Sesame Street? That’s kid stuff.”

The guy got defensive. “Not Sesame Street. The Muppets. Kermit, Fozzy, Gonzo.”

“You just made those names up. I say this ‘Muppet Movie’ is a myth.”

“A myth?”

“Yes, a myth. Myth!”

Behind me, a woman said, “Yeth?”

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