David Archives

November 9, 2007

David: Pizzapizza

I was walking my dog past an outdoor café one afternoon when the weirdest thing happened. A woman was eating a salad with croutons and cheese at one of the tables. Suddenly, inexplicably, her salad animated, leapt off the plate, and started oozing down the sidewalk on a Worcestershire slick.

The woman screamed, for which I couldn’t blame her. Caught up in the utter absurdity of it, I felt compelled to confront the ambulatory vegetation and stop it before it could accomplish whatever dire goals animated salad might pursue in the city.

I ordered my dog, “Caesar! Seize her Caesar!”

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November 15, 2007

David: Oh, Yeah or We've All Been There


They try to make it sound like no big deal. The drugs get better every year. If you stick to the program, the odds are about even that you won’t get any major complications until far enough in the future that you can pretend it’s never.

None of that matters in the face of that one word. Whatever I do, I can never make this better. What’s the point? Why put myself through it? Why not ignore it and let it kill me? Why not beat it to the punch?

I hear my kids fighting in the other room.

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November 16, 2007

David: Seriously, Just Spit It Out

“I have some bad news,” she said, and paused.

I filled the space with thought. Dad was dead. My brother was dead. My brother was in jail. The dog had cancer. The cat had been eaten by pygmies. The house had burned down, leaving only the phone. The car had been stolen by drug mules and then returned full of drugs so now everything they owned was impounded. Grandma had become a Scientologist and willed everything to Elron. One after another, the tragedies paraded through her conversational lull.

“I need some money to fix the air conditioner.”

“Oh, thank God.”

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November 27, 2007

David: Kandy Koan

Master met Turtle on the road, and asked it the meaning of life. Turtle did not know, but directed the master to seek Owl, appease it with a gift, and ask his question.

Master found Owl in a tree, and offered hard candy with a chewy, chocolate center. He asked, “Owl, what is the meaning of life?”

Owl held the candy so the master could see. “How many licks to reach the center of this?” Owl asked. Master did not know.

“Let’s find out,” said Owl, and licked. One. Two-who. Three. Crunch! Owl bit through the candy.

Master achieved enlightenment.

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November 28, 2007

David: Too Clever By Half

“Ha! You only thought I was dead.”

“Ha! I knew you were alive all along. I only wanted you to think I thought you were dead.”

“Ha! I knew that. It was all part of my clever ruse to reveal the real murderer.”

“Ha! I knew your plan the entire time. I just played along so I could reveal the real murderer.”

“Ha! You are the real murderer. That’s how I know the poison isn’t in the glass in front of you.”

No reply.

“Nothing to say to that, eh?”

“I was waiting for you to drink from my glass.”

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November 29, 2007

David: Weekly Planner

I find it best to maintain a strict schedule of emotional states. That way, there are no surprises.

Mondays, I effect a mild apathy. This keeps people from asking how my weekend was.

Tuesdays pass most smoothly with a passionate, obsessive infatuation for the counter girl at the coffee house.

Wednesdays I fill with depression, having had my advances spurned once again.

Thursday is Anger Day, when even the slightest problem can send me into screaming rage.

Fridays I reserve for unabashed happiness and general love of life and humankind.

And on the weekend days, Saturday and Sunday, I drink.

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December 3, 2007

David: Hangin' with the Boss

“What should I wear? I have nothing to wear! I should buy a suit. He likes white, right?”

“Dude, chill. He won’t care what you’re wearing. He’s seen you naked, remember?”

“Chill? Are you joking? This is going to be the most important moment in my life. It has to be perfect.”

“Naw, man. He’s cool.”

“I have to go shopping!”


The doorbell rings. Outside stands a man in cut-off jeans, a Grateful Dead T-shirt, and a halo of glory. He looks at his host and says, “Oh, crap, was this formal?” He waves his hand. “I’m not here yet.”

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December 4, 2007

David: Feypunk

“Nobody rides for free.” I completed the chant as I lowered my dirigible to the roadside for the hitchhiker.

“That’s not what most folks say when they pick me up,” replied the comely lass as she vaulted over the handrail.

“I don’t go in for that. This is a working vessel. She’s got needs. A couple of struts in the back have come loose, if you’re a steady hand with a torch. Or, there’s some stress fractures in the hull that need to be patched. Or, if you’re as Fair as you look, we could use a friendly nor'easter gale.”

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December 5, 2007

David: Suffering For Art

At last, the setting was perfect. Every hair was in place. Her head was tilted just so. Her makeup was flawless. The lighting was ideal, with no unflattering shadows while maintaining youthful vigor. Her gown was fitted perfectly, without a wrinkle or errant fold in sight, and the pearlescent baubles sewn onto the fabric gleamed. Her daintily gloved hands folded neatly, primly in her lap. She was the feminine ideal, brought to life through his effort and skill.

“I told you,” he said, locking the hoist chain and readying the camera, “I’d get this shot if it killed you. Smile.”

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December 6, 2007

David: Angry Science

“Who thought up this stupid topic anyway?” The voice flew trough the library, chased by the muffled giggles of otherwise industrious students.

“Hush,” carried a stage whisper after it. “You’re going to get us thrown out again.”

“So what? It’s a stupid paper for a stupid class with a stupid teacher.”

“If you’re having trouble, maybe I could help.”

“I’ve read every book in the psychology section already. There’s nothing here about the effects of inappropriate social behavior on uninvolved observers in a pseudo-restrained environment. It’s not like I’m going to do original research and present findings to the professor.”

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