David Archives

March 9, 2009

David: The Red-Breasted Honest Elected Official

It lurks in the halls of power, skittering from shadow to shadow to avoid the predations of its more aggressive cousins. Its plumage is generally subdued to the point of camouflage, until it becomes startled by someone poking at one of its core beliefs, at which point it risks breaking cover, startling those around it with impassioned self-righteousness and press conferences.

Sadly, this noble creature is endangered, due not only to the difficulty it encounters when attempting to reproduce, but also to a quirk of biology which causes it to transform at a genetic level when in a hostile environment.

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May 10, 2010

David: Science Is Hard

It’s hard, raising the dead. There’s more to it than shoving a couple gigawatts up the cerebral cortex and calling it a day. The chemo-mechanical device that is Man is delicate. Major injuries have to be repaired. The bacterial payload has to be custom-tailored. The check has to clear.

And then there’s the time issue. You’ve got to catch the corpse before total cell death occurs throughout the organism. Without that remaining spark, you don’t wind up with a person when you’re done, but rather a gibbering, amorphous mass that only eats and screams.

We don’t need that hassle again.

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May 11, 2010

David: The Middle Management Murders

“I think it should be orange.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“And rounder. It should definitely be rounder.”

“It’s a computer program.”

“Well, you know, the sense of roundness. Like, I should be using the interface and thinking, ‘Boy, this sure is round.’”

“All right, whatever. How about a rotating 3D sphere with all the controls on it?”

“That might be too round. But something like that. Roundish.”

“Roundish.”

“And orange. Don’t forget the orange. Or maybe green. People like green.”

“I’m going to choke you to death now with your power tie.”

“Hey, relax. I’m only trying to help.”

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May 26, 2010

David: A Telephone Conversation

“Hey, man, you gotta help me. I'm in a bad place.”

“What, you mean like a biker bar you just realized is also a gay bar?”

“Nah, man, I'm, like--”

“Oh, or maybe you just noticed you're the only guy over 20 in Hot Topic.”

“No, you see, it's--”

“Ooh! Are you in Democratic Headquarters? Did they just ask you how awesome Obama is on a scale of 90 jillion to eleventy bazillion?”

“God, just shut up. I was being metaphorical, you dick. You are the worst suicide hotline operator ever.”

“That's what they said at the phone sex place.”

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