David Archives

December 18, 2006

David: Mom's Special Boy

Mom tells us to humor him when he does his “yo-yo tricks.” It’s kind of pathetic, really. When he “walks the dog,” all he does is let the yo-yo unspool and lay on the floor. He’s so proud of himself, too, like he accomplished something. We just nod and smile.

Last time he did an “around the world,” consisting of him spinning it in a big circle over his head, the string broke and it smashed a lamp. Mom laughed it off and scurried away to get the broom.

All because he wished Dad into the cornfield that one time.

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December 20, 2006

David: It's Not Easy

“I know it’s silly,” he told her, wiping away a tear. “I can’t help it.”

“I know.”

“It was over a decade ago. And it’s not like I knew the man personally.”

She patted his hand.

“I suppose it says more about me than him. Like, part of my childhood died with him. How greedy is that? ‘I’m sad you’re dead because I can’t get what I want from you anymore.’”

“It’s perfectly natural,” she assured him.

“It was so senseless and sudden, so not the way he was supposed to go.”

She squeezed him. “I miss Jim Henson too.”

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January 8, 2007

David: You’re Never Going To Believe This

“This cheerleader from the local college knocked on my door, in her little cheerleader outfit, soaking wet from the rain. She told me she’d hit my mailbox swerving to avoid my cat, who had gotten out earlier in the day. I let her in and got her a towel while she called a tow truck. She told me she and her sorority sisters would all like to express their gratitude. Never one to miss an opportunity, I had her call them. There were eight of them, and we spent all night looking for my cat.”

“Get out of my office.”

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January 9, 2007

David: Herd Mentality

In retrospect, it was a mistake engineering sentient cows. Their motives were pure: the easiest way to tell if one was infected with mad cow disease was to interview it.

Oddly, PETA was okay with that. Apparently, if the animal can talk, they don’t care. It was civil libertarians that won them status as persons, and then citizens.

Suddenly, Homo sapiens was outnumbered. Ranchers became slavers; non-vegans, cannibals. It was only a matter of time before a cow proved it was 35 years old and a natural citizen. That’s how we got our first cow president.

Excuse me. Bovine American.

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January 11, 2007

David: Parlor Trick

John stepped into the drawing room. “Marsha!” he cried, striding across the parlor toward her. “How could you?”

“How could I what?” Marsha queried.

John paced before her, seething. “Running around on me, that’s what! With my own brother.”

“Oh, that,” Marsha admitted. “It wasn’t that hard, really.”

John stopped in his tracks and spun on his heels. “What?”

“He is your identical twin,” she acknowledged. “He believed I thought he was you.”

“And you let him!” John shouted. “That’s it. I’m leaving you. Enjoy walking the streets.” John turned away and rushed back out the way he had come.

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January 12, 2007

David: Environmentally Friendly

I knew she was a hippie when I met her: vegan, environmental crusader, and so on. If you live in San Francisco, you have to accept that’s the kind of woman you’re going to meet most. Besides, the sex was amazing, even if she wouldn’t eat meat.

We broke up after we went camping in the Redwood National Forest. I woke up in the middle of the night, alone. I went looking for her, and eventually found her, naked, arms around a tree, straddling a branch, passionately rubbing herself against it.

It’s okay to love nature. Just don’t love nature.

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January 16, 2007

David: Taking Flight

The gods looked down on the Earth, and were displeased.

“Look at them!” exclaimed Zeus. “They’re everywhere, from the equator to both poles.”

Hestia nodded. “They’ve completely overrun their ecological niche.”

“They’re in the water, too,” added Poseidon. “Machines carry them over and through my domain!”

“I don’t see the problem,” Vulcan protested.

Hades mused. “It all started with fire. That’s where we lost control. Now, Artemis and Apollo report that they’ve touched the moon and the sun!”

“Damn Daedalus!” Zeus stormed. “That’s where I draw the line. Get Prometheus in here. It’s time for him to pay his debt.”

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January 17, 2007

David: Conclusion

“Good afternoon! Welcome to ‘Cradle To The Grave,’ the race where you want to come in last. I’m Wink Martindale the Third. We’re all excited here at Lawndale Cemetery. After 85 years, we’re down to our last two contestants: Bob Finkelstein, an accountant from Newark, and Henrietta LeBlanc, a homemaker from Sacramento.

“We’ve watched our contestants since the day they were born, battling to lead the longest life. Many have fallen, and we’ve gotten word that one of our remaining athletes has finally passed away.

“I see a hearse…. Someone’s getting out…. It’s Vera Finkelstein! Bob is dead! Henrietta wins!

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January 18, 2007

David: What A Thing Is Worth

Mom had this cheap plastic necklace, looked like it cost all of a nickel. She kept it wrapped in tissue paper inside a velvet-lined box in the bottom drawer of her jewelry case. It took me years to realize that she only wore it once a year, always on the same day.

After she died, I found the letter. From Dad, from the war, before I was born. He promised to come home safe to see her wearing what he’d won her at the fair. He never did.

I think I have a few outfits that necklace could go with.

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January 19, 2007

David: Monsters

They come at night, Johnny’s brother had told him. Monsters crawl out of the closet and from under the bed at night to torment children who sneak out of bed.

Johnny quaked under the covers, flashlight gripped in his eight-year-old hand. He knew instinctively that monsters couldn’t get him as long as he kept cocooned in the cotton barrier.

Johnny heard his brother’s watch beep. Midnight. Johnny relaxed. Technically, it was morning now. The monsters only came at night. Johnny was safe.

Johnny slipped out of bed and peed in his brother’s sock drawer. It was monsters, he’d claim tomorrow.

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