David Archives

March 7, 2007

David: Everything Old Is New Again

“I’m back,” the boy called out.

“And what have you brought for Ludmilla?” replied the crone.

The boy put a burlap sack on the floor and started pulling items from it. “I got… three cans of creamed corn… a 1986 cat calendar… and a set of sparkplugs from a Camaro GT.

“Large block or small?”

“Um, it was a V8? Looked like it used to be sex on four wheels.”

“Very good. Put them in the bucket.” He did so. “You have paid Ludmilla’s price. Make your request. You want love? Health? Money?”

“I want to learn your art, scrap-shaman.”

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March 9, 2007

David: RIF

“What’s that?”

“It’s called a ‘Book.’”

“’Buk’. I think I’ve heard of those. Some sort of weapon, right? Where’d you find it?”

“No, it’s not a weapon. It’s an extinct form of data storage. It’s kind of like a text blip, except that instead of downloading it directly into your brain, data transfer goes through the eyes.”

“That’s silly. You can’t get a decent bandwidth through the optic nerves.”

“No, see? The words are printed in order on these pages. You look at each word in turn to derive meaning.”

“Who has time for that?”

“I find it relaxing, actually.”

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March 12, 2007

David: Cafe Fear

“Enjoy this gift, Mr. Prosecutor,” was all the note said. He left it untouched where it was, next to the brand new coffee maker sitting on his counter. The coffee maker he hadn’t bought, or in fact ever seen before in his life.

The DA quickly patrolled his house, checking every door and window. All were closed and locked. The alarm system was still on. He even checked the fireplace flue, feeling silly as he did so.

It was a message. They could get to him whenever they wanted, and he wouldn’t even see them coming.

Damn the Valdez case!

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March 14, 2007

David: Take The Money And Run

Marion couldn’t say why she stole the payroll instead of taking it to the bank like her boss ordered. She only knew she was on the highway late Friday night, exhausted. She’d tried catching some z’s on the side of the road, but a cop sent her on her way.

She saw the dilapidated motel and pulled in. The manager was a skinny, creepy guy who kept talking about his mother and putting clumsy moves on her.

She bashed his head in with the desk phone before going to her room for a shower and sleep. She’d seen that movie.

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March 15, 2007

David: If It Makes You Feel Better, They Get Eaten

The monster was tracking them, he could tell. He dragged her into the carnival midway, thinking the crowd would mask them, give them a chance. The pair ran past the rigged games of chance, resisting the temptation of three throws for only one dollar.

At the far end of the midway, the couple found themselves between the tent full of wild-card gambling and a sideshow manned by dead-eyed, face-painted slapstick entertainers, with no way out.

He looked at her and said, “Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Lyric courtesy of Stealers Wheel.

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March 16, 2007

David: Getting The Band Back Together

“State your name and metaphysical portfolio.”

“Calamity. Calamity.” She stood impassively, waiting for the three beings sitting across the table to react.

“So, you… cause disasters?” asked the one on the left.

“That could work,” commented the one in the middle.

“I don’t know,” replied the one on the right. “Seems kind of vague.”

“Oh, like ‘Death’ isn’t vague.”

“I control a specific physiological event. But what’s a calamity? Hurricanes and earthquakes, sure, but also losing your keys, under certain circumstances. Famine, War, Pe— the other one, you at least know what’s coming.”

Famine gasped. “You almost said his name!”

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March 19, 2007

David: A Few Hours

This was going to be tricky, Frank admitted, putting the note back down beside the coffeepot. He ran to the bedroom for his wallet: cash gone, cards cut in two. Very tricky.

He’d track Lisa down eventually, no worries there. The family would help handle his slimeball brother. His most pressing concern was Lisa’s sister, Jamie, reportedly resting in pieces in the garage. He knew a guy to take care of that who owed him a favor.

But that Buick was cherry, and Frank knew from experience how hard it was to get blood stains out of white leather upholstery.

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March 20, 2007

David: Two-A-Days

Insert lancet into mechanism. Insert test strip into meter. Cock mechanism. Place against finger. Fire.

Damn it! That still stings.

Squeeze out blood drop. Touch test strip to blood. One side only! Beep! Put down meter. Remove lancet and discard. Beep!

Holy crap! What the hell did I eat? Add five units.

What am I going to eat? The usual.

Record results. Remove test strip and discard.

Wipe top of insulin pen with alcohol swab. Attach needle. Search torso for injection site. God, don’t let it hurt.

Prick! God fucking damn it! Re-prick! Ah. Better.


Eat before I die.

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March 21, 2007

David: The Case Of The...

“You’ve got to help me, detective.” The dame batted her baby blues at me, on the verge of tears.

“You have my attention. What seems to be the problem?”

She pulled a lace handkerchief out of her clutch. “My husband died last week in a boating accident, leaving behind a sizeable fortune.”

“Go on, dollface,” I prompted.

“He kept his money in offshore banks. The account information was hidden in the frame of a painting in his office.”

“And the canvas took a walk, right?”

Blondie nodded. “His family hates me. They’d do anything to keep his fortune from me.”

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March 22, 2007

David: PDQ Barnum

“Step right up! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, beloved pets, behind me stands the entryway to a museum unlike any you have ever seen before. The arena of the absurd, the coliseum of the confusing, the stadium of the stupefying. I give you—The Ridiculum!

“They say there’s only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous. Ladies and gentlemen, that step is right through this door. For only one thin dime, you too can bear witness to the largest assortment of preposterous things ever assembled!

“We guarantee that you'll walk out amused and confused or your money back!”

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