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December 4, 2006
Tanya: Untitled
There were seats for the victim’s parents and brother, a seat for his wife. She didn’t bring their kids to watch. There were even seats for the murderer’s family.
Unsurprisingly, there was no seat for the victim’s eighth grade girlfriend.
The prison was only two miles up the road, but I couldn’t go there, and sit with the hippie morons that wanted to spare his miserable life. So I sat in my living room and waited for the telltale flicker of all the lights in the house. And then I drank a toast, when I knew they’d fried the bastard.
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December 5, 2006
Tanya: Untitled
“That’s not him.”
“It took us 18 hours of praying and begging, but he finally appeared.”
They watched as the short, paunchy, balding man addressed the leader of their cult. His eyes had deep bags under them, but they also had a twinkle that was utterly infectious.
“No way. Zeus?”
“Yep. You know, he’s famous for his wit. And for transforming himself into waterfowl, and other animals. He can even shapeshift into a woman’s form.”
“I’m going to talk to him.”
The worshipper approached his newly arrived god.
“Zeus? My lord?”
The old deity turned to him. “What’s up, doc?”
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December 6, 2006
Tanya: Untitled
“You’re going to be safe now, little guy,” Daffodil whispered to the rabbit, lifting it from the cage. “No more makeup testing for you.”
She and the others released the rest of them, and ushered them carefully toward the exit. “Be free, little bunnies!” they yelled, flinging open the door and watching the animals hop out into the darkness. When the last one had fled, they locked up, and congratulated each other on a job well done. Twenty-five more animals led to safety.
All but one of the rabbits were roadkill by the time they returned to their van, oblivious.
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December 7, 2006
Tanya: Untitled
“Mommy, I have to pee.”
“Stop calling me that. And you should’ve gone in Topeka. Hold it.”
Ten minutes sped by, like the plains beside the freeway.
“Mommy, I really have to go.”
“Fine.” Katherine pulled off the road and stopped. She let the boy out on the shoulder, grumbling to herself. “Goddamn kid. I’m too young to…”
Her glance caught the yellow stream, and the similarly golden rattlesnake it had awoken. Next thing she knew, she had a shovel in her hands, the snake’s head was off, and she was sobbing on the boy. A near miss, both ways.
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December 8, 2006
Tanya: Untitled
“You got an answer for us, flower boy?” the deputy sneered.
“Stop calling him flower boy, Bob,” the chief snapped, but the man at the microscope was unfazed by the slight.
“The ‘dust’ you found on the body is pollen. It’s from a rare Brazilian daylily.”
“So the old lady is guilty. She has a flower garden.”
“Her garden’s not blooming in December, Bob,” the chief snorted.
“Exactly. You should check florists, greenhouses, people who’ve traveled to South America recently.”
“How do we find that out?” asked the deputy.
The botanist snapped his briefcase closed. “That’s your problem, hick boy.”
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December 12, 2006
Tanya: Untitled
We face the enemy of the people, in this war.
He is a liar and a foreigner, hiding behind false faces and insincere promises. What do you know about his past? Nothing! Does he have dirty secrets? Surely!
He’s recruiting children in this battle, constituting child abuse, and has even brought innocent animals and the handicapped into the fray. Shameful!
Have faith in the leader who has cared for you all your lives. She and her simian army will defend you as they always have.
She will vanquish the emerald invader, with your help.
Defeat the Wizard. Buy War Bonds.
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December 13, 2006
Tanya: Untitled
Charles ran into the parlor of his parents’ estate, wild-eyed and hysterical. “Fairies!” he yelled, “Goddamn fairies everywhere!”
“Oh dear,” his mother Edwina sighed, “He’s been into town again. I do realize that the poets, actors, and artists are overrunning the city center, Charles. But one can’t go around shouting.”
She poured him a small brandy and pressed it into his shaking hand, as he moaned in agony and shock. “Really, boy. You’re taking this awfully seriously.”
Charles shuddered one last time, whispered “They’re everywhere,” and then lost consciousness. In the garden, Katydid and Lolly ducked under a dandelion, giggling.
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December 14, 2006
Tanya: Untitled
“Honey?”
“Hmmmm?”
“Could you come here for a sec?”
“Sure, hon. What’s the probl…. Who’s that?”
“I’m not sure. It looks like… Michael Moore.”
“It does. Is he wedged in there?”
“Apparently.”
“I wonder what he’s doing in our bathtub.”
“Mmm. Trying to get out, mostly.”
“Should I get the WD40?”
“Nah.”
“The hacksaw?”
“Not yet.”
“Then what do we do with him?”
“Hmmmm...”
“…”
“You go fix him a nice big salad. And order a pizza for us. I’ll drag the TV in here. Let’s see what Bill O’Reilly’s up to.”
“I hear Ann Coulter’s his guest today.”
“Mmmff!”
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December 19, 2006
Tanya: Untitled
The Immortals rested in their palace, neither eating nor drinking, awaiting the feast.
Xi Wangmu’s handmaid approached, and began decking the tables with peach pies, peach wine, game roasted in peach sauces or stuffed with the fruit. They gazed longingly at the food. It had been 3000 years since the last Pantao Hui, and yet…
“You bring us our immortality in the peaches. The key to this eternal life. Millennia, eons of life.”
“You must remain, creating humans and destroying evil.”
“Perhaps you would like to dine with us, girl? Join us?”
She hesitated only for a moment. “No thanks.”
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December 20, 2006
Tanya: Untitled
“Coach! Coach!”
“I’m here, son. Let the paramedics work.”
“It’s just dislocated, kid. Relax your leg, and… Look! It’s Elvis!”
“Wuh?”
{ Pop }
“Aaaaarrghhh! Oh my holy fucking...”
They let him swear until he realized it didn’t hurt anymore. “Will I ever play football again, doc?”
“I’m not a doctor. But yeah, you’ll be back in the game in a few weeks.”
“I won’t lose my scholarship?”
“Nah, you’ll be fine.”
As the young quarterback limped toward the ambulance, the paramedics whispered to each other, “He’ll be feeling that knee every time it rains.”
“If he lives to be a hundred.”
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