View All IssuesTanya Archives
June 1, 2005
Tanya: Excavation
Simon watched the sand and plexiglass rise rapidly to meet him. The bubble on the ocean's floor had been finished months ago, but his hired builders had recently found something startling.
They docked and entered through the air lock, edging carefully thru the cameramen. The head of the Smithsonian was already in place, surrounded by well-armed military guards, but he was visibly as giddy as a child. Simon looked behind the soldiers and saw bones in a suit of clothes on the artificial grass. It was true. 465 years and 125 miles off course, they had finally found Amelia Earhart.
Permalink Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit
June 2, 2005
Tanya: Ashes
"I think that's all of them," he told her, gazing over the crowd.
Shabby, tired, her childhood beauty long gone, she tossed her cigarette away and began prowling in front of them, like a general inspecting the ranks. "This one," she said, "but can you make it a little... bigger?"
He rolled his eyes, but did as she asked. She nodded her approval, and he turned the rest of them back with a sigh of relief. He knew she was ultimately unhappy with the prince, but it still gave him the creeps when she insisted on shagging the mice footmen.
Permalink Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit
June 3, 2005
Tanya: Hunting season
Speeding along on the interstate, she has time to think "What a beautiful deer!" before the inevitable "He was much nicer when he wasn't in my lane."
Then there are only squealing tires, rending steel, and breaking glass. When she opens her eyes, the car is still, sprawled diagonally across the two far right lanes.
In her lacerated and bloody condition, she can't check for herself, but the paramedic verifies for her that the score is Honda 1, Deer 0. And since this is Oklahoma, he doesn't even bat an eye when she asks him to get her the rack.
Permalink • Comments (2) Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit
June 4, 2005
Tanya: Tick. Tock.
48 years he'd been with the company, the vast majority of his days. And nights. And weekends. He'd been a kid in the stockroom, hauling boxes. Gave them his whole life, working his way up the hard way. Promotions, advances, finally on the board of trustees, and now he was shoved away by a bunch of no-nothing kids. Pensioned out like garbage.
He pulled the cheap gold watch out of his pocket. Already stopped. He chucked it into the road and watched a Chevy truck run over it, crushing it into shrapnel. Just let them try to survive without him.
Permalink Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit
June 5, 2005
Tanya: Redemption
We just had to go camping. It started pouring ten minutes after we got there and neither of us knew how to set up the tent, so then it was pitch dark and pouring. Sure the tent kept out the rain for the rest of the night, but it hardly mattered since the sleeping bags were soaked and so were we.
Then suddenly it's morning and the sun's out. The St Croix river is sparkling, and the cottonwoods shimmer like a million diamonds on the shore. Karen has fresh coffee and an unopened bottle of Baileys, and life is beautiful.
Permalink Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit
June 6, 2005
Tanya: Green
So I'd just gotten back, dead tired, when I see this green light filling the sky. And I figure the kid might need help, right? I don't like him, but he's not gonna get hurt on my watch. So I grab my bow and go.
Diana meets me outside and we bust in, and Kyle's in the living room watching some video. And he's like, in flagrante delicto, if you catch my meaning. Diana just starts laughing hyserically at him, but I was seriously pissed. Stupid punk kid. At least Hal always remembered to take the damn ring off first.
Permalink • Comments (4) Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit
June 7, 2005
Tanya: Stitches
"In case you're wondering, I don't spend the entire workday inside my tailor shop," he added. "It's not all businessmen and bar mitzvahs. I volunteer in the local schools' home economics departments. I even help out at the funeral home downtown, whenever anyone's out sick."
"But, your honor, I never put anyone in that funeral home," Mickey the Needle said, without a trace of irony. "I never sent anyone there, sir."
He didn't need to leave his shop. We had all seen graphic pictures of what he could do, in the back room with a glover's needle and fishing wire.
Permalink Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit
June 8, 2005
Tanya: Apologies in advance
"Just look at my hair!" she screamed. "And my clothes! How am I going to get my favorite jeans back?!" My roommate was a nice girl, but not very bright. Super naive. I helped her take the gruesome fan off her head, but left her to the rest, too grossed out to be of any use. "Gawd! I've got to take a shower. I'm so disgusted!" She ran into the bathroom, sobbing.
"Becky," I called after her, "I understand you're freaked out. But everyone knows The Joker's a pervert. Why did you go home with him in the first place?"
Permalink • Comments (2) Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit
June 9, 2005
Tanya: Night Flight
I'm flying to Peoria, hidden by darkness to avoid awkward questions. Some of the younger guys have cloaking devices so they can fly during the day, but I'm old fashioned. Been with the company since they were fledglings. I'm retiring next week, actually.
I land in the back yard and rap on the door. Mrs Jacobsen opens it a crack and peeks out. Shrieks. Dashes outside and grabs me about the neck, snatches the parcel away from me, and flees back inside.
I tip my hat to her receding back with one wing as she screams, "George!! It's a girl!!"
Permalink Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit
June 10, 2005
Tanya: Fearless
"I know it's hot out here, but if those camels can handle it, I'm pretty sure you can too," the little one said. Not that his friend had complained. Probably still too busy examining the guns to notice the heat.
Everyone thought the big guy was dumb, because he tended to say simple things, but he was actually a mechanical genius and weapons expert extraordinaire. The real brains behind the operation. They had come to the desert to demonstrate a few new gadgets.
"We sure are a long way from Frostbite Falls," the moose replied quietly.
"You bet we are."
Permalink • Comments (3) Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit