Tanya Archives

July 1, 2005

Tanya: Holidazzle This

It wasn’t bad enough that he’d had to leave Florida. He loved his wife, but he’d never understand why she wanted to stay in Minnesota. No, the worst part was her bizarre family. Every year, the bloody cheerful lutherans all packed into their jeeps to caravan to Duluth.

And this year, since Mary was eight months pregnant, he was driving. "Lead us out of town, Bob!" they said. Sure, put the southern boy in front. Gleeful bastards. He opened the door and leaned out.

"Stop singing that stupid 'over the river and through the woods' song and help me push!"

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July 2, 2005

Tanya: Commencement

Harvard Law Commencement, 2017. Ann Marie read the announcement again, proudly.

The graduates were lined up behind the Science building and she found her place just as the line started to move. Soon she was smiling fawningly at the dean, shaking his hand, as she finally received her law degree.

Next, she crossed to the guillotine on the far end of the stage, and waited in the shorter line. Her final thought, before her head was summarily lopped off, was "Wow, when they said 'First thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers,' I never thought they'd be so literal."

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July 3, 2005

Tanya: Breaking Locks

They walked through the house, horrified at the damage done during their vacation.

The sofa and chairs lay demolished, smashed to bits. Shattered bowls covered the kitchen floor, their insides caked with a crusty paste, gone rancid and moldy. Mary held their only son, quaking and weeping quietly.

John knew he should call the authorities, but instead he grabbed a a baseball bat and climbed the stairs. There, in the boy's bedroom, the vandal waited. A pretty blonde girl, eyes wide with rage and madness. She turned from raking the wall with her fingernails, just as John swung the bat.

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July 4, 2005

Tanya: Stilts

He cautiously snuck another peek behind him to see if the were still following. Sure enough, try as he might, he just couldn’t shake them. He had spent the whole morning dashing around corners and hiding in stores, only to find them spying on him every time he relaxed. It was like this every day. Sometimes he couldn’t even bear to leave the house.

The paparazzi were bad enough, but he had never expected this. Playing center for the US Men’s Olympic basketball team had been his lifelong dream, but dodging these freakish Shriner’s tour groups was driving him crazy.

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July 5, 2005

Tanya: Unforgivable

As I walk through
This wicked world
Searchin' for sin in the lightness of sanity

I ask myself
Is no hope lost?
Is there no pain and hatred, and misery?

And each time I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny 'bout greed lust & gluttony?

So where’s the spaghetti?
And who are the mollusks?
And where is the edelweiss?
Sweet edelweiss.

'Cause each time I feel it slippin' away, just makes me wanna cry.
What's so funny 'bout sloth pride & gluttony? Ohhhh

[Apologies. I think I may have just channeled Charles Austin]

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July 6, 2005

Tanya: True love never leaves

She thought she would never love again. An adoration that had begun in childhood, and bloomed in her teens, had climaxed in adulthood. Those innumerable days under the glorious summer sun, chilly nights under the stars, when she would arrive home exhausted and hoarse from hours of screaming. Her love had never wavered, even when she went away to college.

But then had come the betrayal. The years of abuse and mistrust had pushed her away, and the whining had been the final straw.

She thought her love for baseball had been utterly destroyed. But then she discovered the minors.

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July 7, 2005

Tanya: Freedom

She lowered her head as they forced her into the police car, keeping her eyes locked on the ambulance, where they carried his lifeless body, dusted with snow. She smiled as the paramedics lowered the sheet over his beautiful face, then flinched as the first of his fans slammed against the window, willing it to break so they could rip her to death with their bare hands.

By the time she arrived at the station, and they discovered the blue skin under her gloves, he’d have escaped. And within twelve hours, they’d both be on their way to South America.

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July 8, 2005

Tanya: Found

Each of them had a set of headphones to drown out the others’ cries, so they didn’t constantly wake each other up. Nathan lay in his crib, listening to the comforting sounds of soft country music and drifting off to sleep. It had taken him some time to readjust to being home with his four siblings, after his time away, but babies do adapt quickly.

His parents had been frantic to find him missing, but their keen eyes and memory had aided in his quick recovery. Having finally been found, his pajamas did indeed have Yodas and shit on them.

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July 9, 2005

Tanya: Not Gilligan

He'd floated at sea for four days, he reckoned, before finding the island.

After their initial threat, the natives peered closely at him and began shouting "Daliwali! Daliwali!!" Then they filled him with fruit, roasted pork, and mango wine. The lovely island girl who practically raped him the first night indicated happily that the honor had something to do with his flame-red hair, after she discovered by firelight that the color was uniform throughout.

He only wished he could stop thinking of every sitcom ever produced, making him worry that "Daliwali" might have something to do with that nearby volcano...

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July 10, 2005

Tanya: Geiselology

Once found in great numbers, the Lorax made its home within the trunk of an unusual species of tree. Thus they were originally confused with dryads, in much the same nearsighted way that mermaids were once mistaken for manatees. On closer inspection, however, there was very little similarity; Dryads being tall, lithe, and lovely, while Lorax is a small, furry brown creature with sad eyes.

Early in the 21st century, activists rounded up the endangered Lorax to "protect" them. They were removed from their truffula trees, and smuggled to a sanctuary in Nebraska. Within a week, the Lorax was extinct.

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