Michele Archives

December 14, 2006

Michele: Lonely Jew on Christmas

“You’ve got to leave. Now.”
“Aww hell. I’m havinshommmnfnnhhnm.” His slurred words trailed off.

His stomach protruded out of the water like a lost beach ball.

“They’re waiting for you.”
“Fuckem. Fuckemfuckemfuckem.”
“Get out. The reindeer are getting restless.”

Kris stood up clumsily and went back down again, his head slamming the faucet. Blood trickled down his forehead, coloring the bathwater.

Eve hit the emergency button on her phone.

“He’s drunk and unconscious. We need a replacement. Again.”

Two minutes later, Jesus appeared in the bathroom, scowling.

“God damn it. Why do I always have to work on my birthday?”

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December 19, 2006

Michele: State of Mind

“Dude! a pie eating contest!”
“Dude. We’re stranded in this backwoods town and you’re thinking of pie?”
“ First prize, $500. We can get the car fixed and get the hell out of here.”
“Whatever, dude.”

Jason prepared himself by smoking three joints, getting a good munchie buzz. His stomach rumbled as he thought of shoveling dozens of whipped cream pies down his throat.

“Ok contestants! Are we ready to eat some delicious peach pies??”

Jason balked.

“Peach? WTF? I HATE peaches!”
“Son. You are in Georgia. What did you expect?”

“God damn. Why couldn’t we have broken down in Oregon?”

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December 21, 2006

Michele: The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

The screen door banged shut. Sheryl glanced up from her solitaire game and saw Evan standing in the doorway as if he had just come in from having a cigarette.

Technically, he did. Too bad that cigarette was smoked four years ago.

“I’m back.”
“That was the world’s longest smoke break, Evan. Where ya been?”
“I dunno. Texas. Jail. Places.”
“You look old.”
“Life without you was hard.”
“Your choice.”
“I suppose.”
“We were supposed to go the movies that night, remember?”
“I’m sure we can still catch one.”
“We’re kinda late.”
“Well, better late than....”
“I’ll grab my jacket.”

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January 9, 2007

Michele: The Cow Says "Moooo"

He sat down to dinner and asked why his hamburger looked pale.

“It’s a tofu burger. We no longer eat the carcass of dead animals, dear. We are going vegan.”
“I like my dead animals.”
“It’s cannibalistic.”
“I’m not a cow.”
“Today, we are all cows.”

Tofu, tempeh, too many vegetables, and no animal fat makes a hungry man mad.

When eggplant replaced the “steak” in Philly Cheesesteak, he lost it.

He set a pot to boil after he tied her up.

The last thing he said to his wife before he gutted her was “Today, we are all cows.”

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January 12, 2007

Michele: Ode to a Pig

He woke, as always, stung by the familiar longing for the girl that would never be his.

He stared at the bottle of pills, wondering again if everlasting sleep would be better than an existence without the only one he ever loved.

His spirit was as broken as his heart. His life was nothing but tears-stained page of poetry filled with the agony of missing her.

He stared at her photo. It could never have worked. They were from different worlds. He wasn’t good enough for her....he...

Inspired, Kermit grabbed a pen and composed.

“It’s not easy being green....”

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January 24, 2007

Michele: Dark Thirty

This was darkness like no other; at times she would awake unsure if that was even Pete next to her.

“Don’t worry,” he’d whisper. “I’m here. The morning will come.”
She’d sob again.
“I promise. Everything will be ok in the light.”

They lay huddled in the ditch all night, waiting for daybreak. Waiting to see what kind of tragedy the darkness left for them.

“Darkest before dawn,” she whispered.
“That’s right, baby.”

They waited for dawn.

They waited.


The sounds of people going mad as they realized dawn was never coming was almost worse than the darkness itself.

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March 12, 2007

Michele: P/A

Dear Henry,

I made you coffee. I hope it's good.

I've been sad lately, Henry. Nothing I do pleases you. I try so hard to be everything you want, but it's never good enough.
Don't you love me anymore, Henry? Am I too ugly or stupid?

It seems all I do is cry and I know how much you hate when I cry.

So no more crying, Henry. Don't worry about that. You will never, ever have to see my cry again.

By the time this coffee is finished brewing, I'll be in dead in the garage.

Enjoy your coffee.

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March 14, 2007

Michele: I Live My Life Like There's No Tomorrow

I've done things you only read about in true confession magazines. Girls, drugs, decadence. I loved that life. Wouldn't you? Every night listen to people scream my name, and then nothing but broads and blow after that. Ain't talkin' bout love. Not those kinds of broads. I mean the kind that would let you snort 800 dollars worth of cocaine off their breasts and not care if you shared.

But all good things end. I lost my hair, lost my cool and lost the chicks.

For a while, I was runnin' with the devil. Dude knows how to run.

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March 16, 2007

Michele: We Shall Meet Again

Dear Diary,

Tragic news. Henry has chosen Belinda over me. My one true love has rejected me.

This shall be my last entry.

I will take my own life at the oak tree at the foot of Harmony Hill within the quarter hour.

Lord forgive me.



Dear Diary,

Henry proposed today. But I do not love him.

I have asked Henry to meet me at the foot of Harmony Hill in half an hour. I will then tell him that I cannot marry him, that he must ask Mary to be his wife, for she loves him truly.


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March 20, 2007

Michele: Snip, Snip

Why am I here? I can't believe I'm letting her do this to me. What am I going to tell Kiki?
"I know you wanted to have kids, babe, but the Mrs. is making me snip my balls.". That'll go over big. I'll lose my balls and the chick. I should have run away with Kiki. Far away. I'm such a wimp.

The Mrs. looks happy I'm doing this. She doesn't even fuck me. What does she care what my balls do?

Here comes the doc. No turning back now.

"Don't worry, Mrs. Johnson. Your dog will be just fine."

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