Jim Archives

January 12, 2007

Jim: In The Army Now

The corporal looked over the platoon in their fresh, olive uniforms. “HQ said these soldiers are all they had.”

The sergeant shook his head. “More kids,” he spat.

“We need the reinforcements, though,” the corporal stated.

“We don’t need green recruits. We need trained fighters. Okay, let’s get this over with,” the sergeant grumbled. He walked up to the drill line and addressed the first recruit. “What’s your name?”

“Ty, Sergeant,” the soldier replied.

“What the hell kind of a name is Ty?”

“It’s short for Tyxillipidikia, Sergeant” the Martian private answered, emerald sweat beading on his jade complexioned face.

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January 15, 2007

Jim: I Should Have Been A Shriner

“Can I have a light?” I asked the bartender.

“The ceiling’s full of them,” he replied sarcastically.

“I noticed. Still, can I have a light?”

“We only serve real beer, Pal. Lagers and ales. Which do you want?”

“I’m drinking Scotch. So…can I have a light?”

“Where’s your smoke?” he asked, reaching for some matches.

I leaned close. “Listen carefully,” I whispered urgently. “Can. I. Have. A. Light?”

“Oh," he loudly declared. "You must be looking for the secret Illuminati meeting. It’s the door in the back.”

Walking away, I mumbled, “I bet the Tri-Lateral Commission can afford real security."

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January 16, 2007

Jim: What's In A Name?

He never really liked being called Russ but that was the name his father stuck him with. The old man might be an inventive genius but he sucked at names.

So Russ wasn’t surprised when the old man gave him some Papa D’s Birdy-Arms for his fifteenth birthday. Damn stupid name for a set of feathered wings held together with thirty pounds of wax. Surprisingly, though, they worked perfectly and soon Russ was soaring with the eagles.

Then one afternoon, the wax melted. Trailing feathers, Russ plummeted thousands of feet to a gruesome death.

All the witnesses called him Icky.

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January 17, 2007

Jim: Bequeathed

My rich uncle Mordecai once told me, “There’s two things you just can’t avoid: death and taxes.”

I suppose he might have added garbage trucks to that list if he’d had any idea what would eventually kill him.

So I sit all alone on the front row – the family section – and listen to the eulogies. No other relatives came because they know he’s left all ten million dollars to me.

What they don’t know is that he’s also left me fifteen million in unpaid taxes and penalties.

For himself at least, Mordecai was only partially right. You can’t avoid death.

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January 18, 2007

Jim: Take Yon Flask

To Tippian the elf, his human companion sounded like a plodding stone golem. “We’re getting close now,” Tippian hissed. “Can you be more quiet?”

Bragda the warrior shrugged massive shoulders. “You try moving quietly with a sword, a shield, and a hundred pounds of chain mail,” he growled in reply.

The elf carefully peered around the next corner. “It doesn’t matter,” he sighed. “The dragon isn’t even here!”

“Now all this gold is ours,” grinned Bragda.

In the cavernous shadows above, an ancient, evil wyrm stretched enormous leather wings and waited to see if the trespassers made their saving throws.

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January 22, 2007

Jim: Cereal Killers

‘Tis only in the wee hours of the morn when I might catch me breath for that seems to be the only time when the little beasties sleep.

I’ve avoided them well these many years but it makes no difference. Though the outcome may take decades, I know their dogged persistence will ultimately win out.

And even should I manage to survive this season’s crop, they will eventually breed. Then it starts all over again.

And say what ye will, as fast as I might devise new tricks, they conquer them.

Nasty little children! They’re always after me Lucky Charms!

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January 23, 2007

Jim: Treasure Your Wishes

“When you wish for something strongly enough,” my father once said, “your mind will make that wish come true.”

As a young man, I earnestly wished for a loving and beautiful wife. I married Nancy less than two years later.

Next, I wished for material wealth. That took somewhat longer: we weren’t comfortably wealthy for another twenty years. But hard work and tireless dedication to my goal eventually paid off.

Then Nancy left. I couldn’t blame her because I’d increasingly ignored her during my quest for money.

She cleaned me out during the divorce.

Now I wish I was dead.

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January 24, 2007

Jim: Sunrise In Tombstone

In the eastern sky, indigo tendrils slowly pushed at the inky backdrop of night. Stars began to disappear, succumbing to the new day’s glow.

Standing on a wooden platform, Jeb stomped away the night’s chill and surveyed the rolling majesty of the dawn. Far away, a clan of coyotes howled a plaintive counterpoint to the first halting chirps of rising songbirds.

“It’s funny that I never noticed before now just how pretty the dawn is,” Jeb sighed.

The sheriff followed Jeb’s gaze toward the pastel horizon. “It’s funny how often I hear that,” he replied and carefully tightened Jeb’s noose.

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January 25, 2007

Jim: Smart Is Gud!

Well, Chris, of the many shortcomings displayed by this administration, I think the greatest…

“Holy crap! That’s amazing!”

“Thank you! It wasn’t easy.”

If just a portion of what we spend killing babies overseas could go to social programs…

“It’s almost like he has some knowledge of the subject matter.”

“Yeah. It’s all scripted, though.”

I mean, after all, they just want to feed their families. So I think…

“I’m truly astounded every time I see your work. Great job!”

“Thanks again. And don’t forget to give my number to any other actor who wants some social consciousness air time!”

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January 26, 2007

Jim: #2 Is Number 1!

To: Faculty, Staff and Students
Fr: IT Operations

Despite our efforts, system downtime cannot be eliminated. We are aware that many of you are unable to work during these times and are often seen wandering aimlessly, usually muttering epithets on topics ranging from our departmental efforts to our dubious ancestry.

To help you during these times of crisis, we are including a Primary, Emergency, Non-Computer Interface Line-maker (P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device has been field tested extensively for volume and stress. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for data input and storage.

P.E.N.C.I.L. maintenance and data deletion instructions are attached.

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