Jim Archives

August 16, 2007

Jim: A Sharp-Dressed Man

Mad Dog McGrew carefully tightened the stiletto sheaths atop his sinuous forearms, taking care that the lashings didn’t interfere with the dagger hilts on the undersides. A solid stomp bared the knife in the toe of his right boot. He pushed it back into concealment.

Mad Dog patted himself thoroughly. Belt knives, buckle knife, chest knives; they were all in place.

He pulled on his leather jacket with its rows of sharpened spikes and put on his Prussian spiked helmet.

One quick grin in the mirror to check his teeth and he sauntered out to go pick up his date.

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August 22, 2007

Jim: Another Tuesday Night At The Jiffy Stop

Ajit turned to the young man on the other side of the counter. “May I help you?” he asked.

The youth stuck his hand in his sweatshirt pocket and grunted, “This is a stick-up.”

“Do you have a gun?”

“Yeah. It’s in my pocket. Now give me the money.”

“May I see it?”

“No! And quit stalling!”

“Why, I think you don’t really have a gun at all. While I, on the other hand, have a very large gun. Let me show you.” Ajit ducked behind the counter to retrieve his pistol. When he stood up, the robber was gone.

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August 31, 2007

Jim: Counterpoint

I don’t believe we ever spoke about how I met your mother. As a lesser scion of a minor house, I became a knight-errant. There was much work for a righteous sword during those dreadful times.

The same wicked sorceress that had ensnared your grandfather’s heart also held your mother captive. Using only a battering ram, I found a way past the witch’s spells and rescued your mother.

Oh, she was so radiant and beautiful! I instantly fell on my knees and begged her to marry me. My heart still leaps with joy as I remember the moment she accepted!

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September 5, 2007

Jim: Sisyphus For Kids

Although a glimmer of dull daylight shone high above, the cave shaft around Lydia was dark as death. The walls afforded little purchase so she chose her steps carefully. Sometimes long minutes of muscle-wrenching effort were rewarded by only a few scant inches.

Yet she climbed, drawn by the promise of fresh air and light so very far above.

She heard the water barreling toward her before she felt it. Try as she might, she could not hold against the unexpected torrent. She fell screaming into the abyss.

At the bottom, again, she gathered strength for the long climb ahead.

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September 13, 2007

Jim: Tutu Err Is Human

From backstage, Mira heard the immediate hush when the curtain rose. Then, the soft tremolo of violins from the orchestra pit filled sound’s sudden vacuum. The dance began.

She stepped away from the barre, extended her leg into a graceful arabesque, then jetéd with admiral elevation into a pirouette and spun gyroscopically, her pointe shoe not moving an inch from its place on the polished wooden floor.

She performed a few more limbering plies while the music climbed toward her cue.

“Five more seconds, Mira,” whispered a helpful stagehand.

Mira froze, eyes wide. She had forgotten which ballet this was.

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September 14, 2007

Jim: Future Site Of Another WalMart – Opening Soon

The shriveled, old gnome magician
Peered up from a massive tome.
“Yes, this used to be Hogwart’s,” he said.
“But now there’s nobody home.

“Dumbledore was eaten by a dragon,
And so was Severus Snape.
Professor Flitwick? Pierced by a broomstick.
Now all that is left is his cape.”

One by one, he named the dead teachers,
Each killed by some gruesome fate.
“The paintings left and so did the ghosts,”
He said, rubbing his pate.

“We’re accepting no more students.
Still, I wish you well.
I’d really like to converse some more,
But I must rest for a spell.”

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October 2, 2007

Jim: A Tale Of Three Monkeys

First, there was Big Monkey. Big Monkey would stomp around the jungle and beat his massive fists on his enormous drum chest. But Jungle Cat was bigger and ate Big Monkey.

Fast Monkey darted to and fro through tree branches and along the jungle floor. He was so quick that he found all the tasty fruit first. But Jungle Cat was very stealthy. Jungle Cat pounced on Fast Monkey, and then ate him.

Smart Monkey used wicked fire to scare away Jungle Cat. Then Smart Monkey used sharp sticks to kill Jungle Cat.

Smart Monkey was a very smart monkey.

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October 8, 2007

Jim: Just An Innocent Email, Warden


I hope things are going good for you and the boys. Tomorrow, sometime in the AM, the guys here are having a party. Nothing like girls BUSTING OUT of a cake, but it’s the best we can do.

OF all the guys here, my best amico is THIS Jamaican maschile. Somehow, he always seems high, even when he hasn’t smoked a JOINT.

Oops, I meant that the party is TOMORROW NIGHT!

I HAVE been wondering about A few things. Like, are you taking care of my CAR?

Damn, I’m READY for my time to be served.

Write soon!


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October 9, 2007

Jim: The Road To Hell

In numbers beyond measure, we walk the cracking road:
Ever straight, becoming a steel point on the horizon,
While smoke gray clouds growl deeply above.
No daytime, no night. Only the timeless gray.
And on we walk.

The road cuts through black forests of skeletal trees,
Their charred branches grasping toward the heavy clouds
With the futility of good intentions.
And on we walk.

That which is behind us cannot be remembered
And that which is ahead cannot be denied.
And on we walk.

We are drawn by hunger and by thirst.
And on we walk.

And on.

And on.

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October 17, 2007

Jim: On A Hunch

“Did you remember to pick up my good black suit from the dry cleaners? I really need that suit for the convention next weekend.”

“Yeth, Mahth-ter.” Sigh.

“And I need to get to work on those income taxes. Are the receipts organized?”

“Yeth, Mahth-ter.” Sigh.

“Damn! Where the hell did I leave my good reading glasses? Will you go and see if they’re in the study?”

“Yeth, Mahth-ter.” Sigh.

“Look. I promise I’ll try to free up some time on Sunday to work on our project. Will you be able to secure a fresh brain before then?”

“Oh, yeth, Mahth-ter!”

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