Jim Archives

December 1, 2006

Jim: Lose Weight Now. Ask Me How.

As pale as her crisp hospital sheets, Louise slowly turned from the attending nurse and toward the detective.

“Okay, Ma’am,” the detective said. “Tell me what happened.”

“I usually ignore those spam ads,” Louise began. “They’re all rip-offs. But this one was different. Lose thirty pounds instantly, it said, at no charge until after the weight was lost!”

“Go on…”

“The next day, a man showed up at my door…with…with…” She began to cry uncontrollably.

The nurse took up the story. “Louise lost the weight but it cost her an arm and a leg.”

“With a chainsaw,” the detective noted.

Permalink • Comments (2)     Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit

December 6, 2006

Jim: The Horrible Crows

For most of the year, the makeshift stage is merely a hay wagon.

The mayor, decked out in fake whiskers and stovepipe hat, drawls his words to the delight of the audience. “One score and a couple of years ago, we re-united our fine nation. Tonight, we’re honoring one of the recipients of our Congress’ largesse – Mr. Thaddeus Jackson.”

Scattered applause while Mr. Jackson is helped onstage.

“We present this necktie to our guest. Congress may have freed Mr. Jackson’s people from slavery but it is up to us to free his soul.”

The wagon rolls away to raucous cheers.

Permalink • Comments (2)     Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit

December 7, 2006

Jim: Spit Happens

I stared into his cold eyes. “That was my brother you killed in Abilene, Lefty,” I growled.

The crowded saloon fell silent except for the lonely ting of some old-timer spitting into a cuspidor.

“That was a fair fight,” he drawled.

Ting.

I shook my head. “Not possible. He was twice as fast as you.”

Ting.

“And you’re here to get revenge?” Lefty asked.

Ting.

“Yep,” I replied.

The warm splatter of tobacco juice on my cheek startled me so much that I missed Lefty’s draw.

“Thanks, Pop,” Lefty told the old-timer while his first bullet drilled into my gut.

Permalink • Comments (0)     Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit

December 8, 2006

Jim: Who You Gonna Call?

Danny Queen pored over the piles of manila folders. “I have no idea,” he lisped, straightening his blouse. “The evidence points all over the place.”

Adobe Sunshine grasped a sensing crystal in each hand. “Nothing,” she sighed.

The iron lung hissed while Marty Wheelburn, reclining as always, said, “Amazing! All of the most unlikely suspects have firm alibis!”

Fred Enduck sat in the corner, talking to himself.

“That settles it,” ‘Nascar’ Newell drawled. “Let’s get Pete Jenkins in here!”

The assembled detectives groaned.

Basil Willoughby sniffed. “Who would have ever imagined that a Criminal Justice graduate would be so handy?”

Permalink • Comments (4)     Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit

December 12, 2006

Jim: The Past Decade

Citizen,

Just ask yourself if life is any better today than it was ten years ago.

If you’re like most citizens, then the answer is YES!

For one thing, you have a job. Unemployment is down to the 2% that do not want meaningful work. And your goods make it to market without being taxed or blockaded by criminals.

Your children are in school. A decade ago, kids were forced to work just to make ends meet.

And it’s safe out there. We enforce our platform of Peace, Law, and Order!

It’s truly been a great decade!

Your Emperor,

Palpatine

Permalink • Comments (0)     Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit

December 14, 2006

Jim: Snicker Doodles

The woman looked up from her packing. “I’m leaving, Chris,” she told her husband.

“Why?”

“You don’t know what it’s like – waking up everyday knowing there’s a fat guy in my bathtub. You’ve put on so much weight that I don’t recognize you anymore!”

“But it’s part of the job!”

She grabbed her bag. “Bullshit. It’s because you're too lazy to work out. I won’t be around when you have a massive heart attack.”

“Please reconsider,” he begged.

“I’ve made up my mind,” she declared. “From now on, you and those elves will have to get your cookies someplace else.”

Permalink • Comments (0)     Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit

December 15, 2006

Jim: That Ain't The Way To Have Fun

Camouflaged under an enormous mulberry bush, the soldiers rechecked their munitions.

They had all they needed: launchers, grenades, pistols, rifles, knives and enough jacketed lead to sink a battleship. Now they only had to wait…

Suddenly their target for tracking scurried across the field and plunged into a hole. “Let’s go, boys,” Sgt. Burns whispered.

“Are you sure about this, Sarge?” Jenkins asked. “This mission seems kind of weird.”

“Our sponsor’s instructions were specific and she paid us up front,” Burns replied. “Now let’s go make sure that this is one croquet party the Queen of Hearts will never forget!”

Permalink • Comments (0)     Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit

December 18, 2006

Jim: The Sitter

Chained deep underground, the terrible wolf Fenris dreams of apocalyptic Ragnarok when all bonds will burst and the gods will be destroyed.

Every day, he devours those souls unlucky enough to pass through his festering chasm on their way to the underworld of the damned. He gnaws upon his own blood-soaked limbs while ages of oppressive darkness eat at his mind. His ghastly howls shake the earth and make grown men weep. Never has the world seen a monster so horrible as the giant Fenris.

My job is to keep his water bowl clean and walk him twice a day.

Permalink • Comments (1)     Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit

December 19, 2006

Jim: Georgia On My Mind

Before we were married, I thought her Southern Belle accent was cute. All the ‘y’alls’ and drawling out single syllable words was just adorable. “Ti-yim, coo-uld y’all come ovah he-ah for a spay-ell?”

God, how I hate it now!

And because she’s from Atlanta, she thinks there is some sort of mandate to cook peaches into everything! Have you ever tasted peach glazed rib eyes served with peach asparagus and peach juleps?

It’s enough to turn my stomach.

Then one day I learned that peach pits contain harmful dosages of the toxic poison amygdalin.

And a plan began to form…

Permalink • Comments (0)     Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit

December 21, 2006

Jim: The Call

Rinnng!

“John?”

“Hi, Peggy!”

“John, I need to let you know that I’m late.”

“Late? As in late late?”

“Well, d-uh!”

“Oh my god! Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure.”

“Geez, Peg. What can I do?”

“What can you do? Don’t you think you’ve done enough already?”

“But I still feel like there’s something I should do. This has never happened to me before.”

“To you? Hey, I’m the one who’s late! This doesn’t make me feel very good, you know.”

“So…how late are you?”

“About a half hour.”

“Cool. We’ll still be on time for our dinner reservation!”

Permalink • Comments (0)     Bookmark: del.icio.us • Digg • reddit