Jim Archives

March 29, 2007

Jim: This Guy Walks Into A Bar

Welcome, friend! What do we have?
I don’t know where to begin.
Here are fifty brands of whiskey,
And fifteen labels of gin.

We have vodkas, tequilas, and brandys,
And sweet liqueurs by the score.
Bourbons, and ryes, and cognacs,
Plus we have so much more.

There’s beer on tap and in bottles;
Lagers, stouts, porters, and ale.
Our wine cellars are so deep and full,
They reach down to the roofs of Hell.

But don’t ask for any rum drinks
Like a Zombie, cool and tall.
I’m afraid we’re completely out of rum.
Those goddamn pirates drank it all.

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March 30, 2007

Jim: It's For The Best

He remembered last night’s full moon shining through the window and the dappled ghost-light shadows it cast across those perfect breasts. “I love you,” she had said. “Forever and forever.” He had only grinned.

Now he stood, watching the graduation ceremony from a distance. He smiled when he heard her name and collegiate honors. Then he watched her stride across the stage, so proud and so beautiful. She deserved much more than he could ever provide.

He picked up a tattered, plaid suitcase and turned toward the bus stop. She would find the note later.

Forever and forever, it said.

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April 3, 2007

Jim: The Re-Buffer

Dr. Hyunan grinned at the assembled military brass. “Except for the belt itself, nothing technological may exist within the personal security field,” he explained.

“But an enemy’s gun is outside the field,” a general mused.

“The bullet, however, being created by the technology of smelting, cannot enter.”

Another general asked, “What about an explosion next to the field?”

Hyunan shook his head. “The explosive force is also technology. And before you ask, knives, clubs, even pointy sticks all count as technology.”

“So what’s the ‘big drawback’ you mentioned?” inquired yet another officer.

“It’s clothes,” Hyunan shrugged. “Clothing is technological, too.”

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April 4, 2007

Jim: Begin Again

The Council of Journeymen studiously ignored the anxious Apprentice standing a few paces away.

“Heaven and Earth,” sniffed the Eldest.

“And all in one day,” approved a Senior.

The Eldest harrumphed and continued, “Firmament on day two, dry land and plants on day three…”

“Days Four through Six; sun, stars and a complete ecosystem,” smiled another Senior. “Even had a day left over.”

“But Man?” the Eldest added. “That wasn’t in the specs.”

The Apprentice coughed. “I-I thought adding Man was a nice touch,” he stammered.

“Bah!” barked the Eldest. “Man makes it flawed! Tear it up and start over!”

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April 5, 2007

Jim: The Bell Tolls

Rough rocks and trees
Once skinned his knees,
When he’d been a boy.

Under somber skies, the mourners arrived.

Deep love and pride
Swelled from inside,
His teen years were a joy.

The mourners took their seats and the eulogies began.

With honor and nerve
He swore to serve.
He was known as tough yet mild.

Barely stifled sobs rocked the field of mourners.

On foreign ground,
He’d taken a round,
That was meant for a child.

Seven carbines each barked three times while the bugle pealed.

His curtailed life
Held pleasure and strife,
And he had died a man.

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April 11, 2007

Jim: Between The Cosby Kids And Johnny Quest

I no longer cared about the gold and jewels I hid in that secret spot. A little thing like death changes your priorities.

No, the things I protected are far dearer; a lock of her silken hair, a bracelet, and the journal she kept of our love.

But time took away my ability to frighten trespassers.

Then the man came. I watched in impotent rage as he set up elaborate traps to scare people away while he scoured the house for my treasure.

And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those wonderful kids.

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April 16, 2007

Jim: He Should Have Stayed With The Nymph

The Oracle had foreseen the trials he would endure once finally reaching his home in Ithaca. Because of this, Odysseus thought he was ready for them.

It was difficult to travel disguised as a beggar but Odysseus was prepared.

It was a daunting task convincing both his son and his father of his true identity but Odysseus was ready for the challenge.

He was even prepared for the battle when he killed his wife’s suitors.

In fact, the only ordeal for which he had not been ready happened when he presented his wife with twenty years worth of dirty laundry.

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April 20, 2007

Jim: Poe Little Me

Once upon a Friday early, while I brushed my teeth so pearly,
And wished some long lost hair would grow once more.
While I scrubbed and thought of flossing, suddenly there came a bossing
Yell from someone rapping at my chamber door.
“Tis from the radio,” I mumbled, “Blaring outside my chamber door.
Only this, and nothing more.”

I swished with Mint Scope and I dared not hope
That the annoying stranger would leave or go away.
But the rapping grew stronger and I could stand it no longer,
So I grabbed a very large pistol and killed Dr. Dre.

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April 25, 2007

Jim: Ship Happens

Captain Carlisle swore under his breath when the midshipman reported yet another hull leak. “If not one thing, then another,” he murmured. “Why won’t this damnable ship hold together?”

The privateer commission hung heavy in his coat pocket as Carlisle strode to the Madelaine’s forecastle. Suddenly, a shout of “Sail Ho!” echoed down from the top rigging.

With a word, the crew began piling on canvas. One after another, sails caught the freshening winds and the Madelaine’s wake frothed into white spray.

Carlisle grinned at her speed. They’d catch the Dutch brig within hours.

If she didn’t come apart first.

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April 26, 2007

Jim: A House In The Fall

Trish had been enamored with the house beside the lake, if only from the opposite shore, since Charles first met her.

So he had no problem buying the place, practically sight unseen, when it came onto the market. And he presented it to Trish for their twentieth anniversary.

White cloth protected the furniture from the thick dust and cobwebs vied for prominence in the high rafters. “Oh, Charles,” she exclaimed. “It’s so beautiful. It just needs some paint.”

A splashing sound reverberated throughout the room and Charles began to suspect why the Usher estate had sold the house so cheaply.

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