Jim Archives

October 16, 2006

Jim: Tedium Gulch

“Let’s get this over with,” grumbled Marshall Tyrone, taking a seat.

Hizzoner the Mayor nodded at Tyrone. “We’re all here now so let’s begin. Three cowboys rode in last night…”

“Did they shoot up the town?” Tyrone asked.

“Well, no. Anyway, they headed straight for the saloon.”

“Did they get drunk and tear the place up?”

“Nope. They mostly drank sarsaparilla and played cards.”

Tyrone sighed. “Did they cheat anybody or take liberties with the ladies?”

“No, they didn’t do either of those things.”

“So the problem is…?”

“It’s just no fun living in the Mild West,” the Mayor sobbed.

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October 17, 2006

Jim: Fish Tale

There once was a man we’ll call Tim
Who could take any shape that pleased him.
One day for some thrills,
He went and grew gills,
And now you should see that guy swim.

There was also a mermaid named Anne
Who lived deep in the Carribee-an.
She saw Tim swim by,
And she just had to cry,
With the lust that she felt for that man.

As things that are new often go,
Their spawning was awkward and slow.
But they both said it was fun,
Then when they were done,
They were left with a pile of roe.

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October 18, 2006

Jim: Homecoming

The massive bonfire roared, creating the bass upon which the cheers of merry-makers were the melody. Orange flames reflected off the lowering clouds and onto the joyous throng.

“Dude!” a bronzed young man said. “Wasn’t today awesome!”

“Best day ever!” agreed another, raising a foaming cup. “And the brew rocks!”

“Fifteen and O,” interjected a third. “We’re totally undefeated!”

“I wish this season could have lasted forever,” the first youth sighed.

“There’s always next season!” the Captain said while walking by. “But for now, drink up, boys!”

The second youth nodded. “Tomorrow we start the long ride back to Mongolia!”

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October 19, 2006

Jim: Saying Goodbye

“It looks like a suitcase with dials,” Jack said. “Does it work?”

“Perfectly,” replied the man in the lab coat. “Your money was well spent.”

Jack grinned. “So I can finally warn my parents before it’s too late!”

“I’m afraid not.”

“I thought you said it worked!”

“The problem is with the structure of the Universe, Jack. History is immutable. No matter what you say, the past will never change.”

“Turn it on,” Jack sighed.

* * *

Two decades earlier, an elderly couple heard, “I love you, Mom and Dad,” just moments before the drunk driver ran them down.

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October 20, 2006

Jim: Daddy

Most nights I sleep okay. But sometimes the nightmare comes.

I’m lying in bed. I’m much smaller, though. And I’ve pulled the blanket over my head. Maybe the blanket can muffle the sounds of Mommy and Daddy fighting. I hear Mommy getting smacked. The soft cracks of fist on flesh until her crying stops. Then the front door slams and everything is quiet.

I never saw my mother again. Daddy said she left us.

My Daddy was all I had growing up. So when he needed a kidney, I let him have one of mine.

Most nights I sleep okay.

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October 23, 2006

Jim: BusTed

Ted groaned. Today he was assigned the Special Needs bus. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Big Bird hadn’t been painted on the side.

At his first stop were two very overweight little girls, both named Pattie.

A little boy waited at the next stop. “My name is Ross and I’m special,” the boy slurred his usual greeting.

Finally, there was the little country boy named Lester Cleese, with no shoes or socks. Poor Lester picked at his bunions the entire trip.

Ted loathed driving two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester Cleese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.

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October 24, 2006

Jim: A Plummeting Market

The Chairman of the Board fixed Leonard with an icy stare and said, “We need to discuss the jetpack you invented.”

“Personal Levitation and Propulsion Un…”

“Whatever you call the damn thing,” interrupted the Chairman. “We’ve sold fourteen million of them since releasing them this week.”

“That’s good, right?”

“It would have been great except for the three thousand deaths so far.”

“That’s impossible!” Leonard declared. “The jetpack’s perfectly safe. The engines cannot fail and the gyroscopic sensors make it crash proof. We thought of everything!”

“Maybe you should have thought some more about having the straps fasten with Velcro.”

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October 25, 2006

Jim: Before The Storm

Hundreds of official documents were dropped into In boxes, retrieved, stamped, and then sent on by a handful of industrious non-commissioned officers.

Clarence sat on a wooden chair, fidgeting. “Excuse me,” he flagged a passing sergeant. “I’ve been here for three hours and…”

“The Admiral isn’t here yet, sir,” the sergeant said. “After all, it is Sunday.”

“But this is important.” Clarence held up an envelope. “I just finished decoding it.”

“You could leave it with me. I’ll make sure he gets it first thing.”

Clarence sighed. “When will that be?”

“Right after his inspection of the Arizona, I think.”

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October 26, 2006

Jim: Not Good With Directions

“…and so I barely escaped from those Injuns,” drawled Pete, reeling me into his growing audience. I could never resist the lure of a good story. “But found myself right between a hungry grizzly and her salmon.”

“No way,” declared little Billy.

“Can’t blame you for being skeptical,” Pete grinned. “There ain’t been bears round here since before you were born. Anyway, all I had was the garter Ma wore at the reception. So I snapped it right off my finger and round that bear’s muzzle.

“She was so surprised that I got away. And ran smack into the wolves…”

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October 27, 2006

Jim: Bounty

There ain’t no difference between caution and paranoia.

Through the blinds, streetlights below cast a grid of yellow lines against the ceiling of my darkened apartment. I watched the street while the usual dregs wandered aimlessly back and forth between pools of light. Nothing suspicious.

“What is it, Baby?” Marie asked from the darkness behind me.

“Probably nothing,” I replied without looking.

“Frankie’s boys came by.”

“They say what they wanted?” I turned around to face down the barrel of my revolver.

Marie held the gun steady. “They wanted to let me know about the reward.”

See? Ain’t no difference.

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