Jim Archives

March 13, 2007

Jim: It's Knot What You Think

Wendell torpedoed through the high grass, his short legs pumping furiously. Then he doubled back to the berry bush, hoping the succulent fruit would distract his pursuer.

The trick only frustrated Wendell’s opponent who, in turn, reared up on tiptoes to peer over the swaying green grass. Wendell flattened onto his belly and slithered toward the tree. When his pursuer was looking the other way, he bounded up the trunk and into the hole.

“Gotcha, Weasel!” grinned the monkey, peeking into the hole.

“Pop!” giggled Wendell.

“Don’t call me that,” berated the monkey. “Your mom and I are just friends.”

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March 14, 2007

Jim: Just A Game

Quarterback Mike Green glanced both left and right, calling the offensive line changes. They had forty-seven yards to go with only seconds left!

In seeming slow motion, the "pigskin" hit Mike’s gloves and he faded back to pass. Suddenly, he tucked it under his arm, ran past flying tackles and into the end zone!

In their concrete bunkers over a mile away, the fans cheered wildly then lapsed into stunned silence as the field exploded into solar brilliance. Although replacing the standard football with a nuclear device added excitement to the game, some players still forgot not to spike it.

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March 15, 2007

Jim: A Tolkien Resistance

The warrior rested against a boulder. He heard the party coming up the darkened tunnel long before he saw them round the corner, one by one.

They were all dwarves, of course, ideally suited to carrying heavy loads through these cramped passages. Hardy and tenacious, they also tended to be surly.

The warrior acknowledged their incessant grumbling with a wry grin. “Smile, gentlefolk. Our noble queen has declared this to be the greatest age of Middle Earth!”

“‘Frodo’ wouldn’t be so cheerful if he spent the day lugging bread crumbs down from Upper Earth,” one of the worker ants mumbled.

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March 16, 2007

Jim: A Pain In The Ash

Amaranta pulled her cloak tightly around her to ward off the pre-dawn autumn chill. The massive ash cloud, underlit with the crimson rock spewing from atop Vesuvius, already blocked most of the northern sky.

“Hurry, children,” Mama had said while Amaranta helped her little brother, Cipriano, into his boots, “We must leave now.”

“But we are many miles from the mountain, Mama,” Cipriano replied. “After all, this is not Herculaneum.”

Mama grinned. “If I am wrong then we can return, little man. But for now, we will go.”

Amaranta sighed and turned to catch up with the families fleeing Pompeii.

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March 19, 2007

Jim: Not Eaten Yet!

From the shrill screams behind us, we knew the monster was pushing through the midway crowd.

In classic fleeing-a-monster fashion, I grabbed my girl's hand and pulled her into a sprint toward the carnival rides. These were, as I suspected, held together by little more than cotter pins and bailing wire.

One large rock will do the trick, I thought.

So…

With a boulder on my shoulder, feelin' kinda older, I tripped the merry-go-round. With this very unpleasin' sneezin' and wheezin', the calliope crashed to the ground.

The monster was blinded by the light and we continued our frantic escape.

My apologies to Manfred Mann's Earth Band and to David

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March 20, 2007

Jim: The Art Of Medicine

A wash of young faces over pressed, white jackets stared down from the surgery’s darkened viewing gallery. A bevy of blue-clad nurses darted around the surgery, tending to the supine patient and the host of beeping machines.

Scalpel in hand, the surgeon paused to look up at his students and said, “This procedure may be used as a last resort only when more conventional means have failed.”

He carefully sliced along the arm’s ulnar artery and blood pooled in a brass bowl. “Today, we will let out about three pints,” the surgeon continued. “This should eliminate the patient’s evil humors.”

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March 21, 2007

Jim: Jerry Knows

We could all learn a lot from Jerry.

Jerry is the ultimate connoisseur of secrets. He devoted his life to learning those things that others do not want known.

Ever wonder if there was a conspiracy to kill JFK? Jerry knows. Are you curious about what really happened at Roswell? Jerry isn’t, because he already knows.

Jerry knows who the real political power brokers are. Jerry has a grip on every secret corporate and military project.

Jerry even knows with whom your neighbor’s wife is having an affair.

We could all learn a lot from Jerry. But Jerry’s not telling.

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March 23, 2007

Jim: Sometimes Late IS Never

Sam glanced down from the tile wall and at his wristwatch. “Oh, damn!” he swore, frantically yanking up his zipper.

10…9…8…

Sam slammed open the restroom door, spun on one heel, and sprinted down the corridor.

7…6…5…

It took three swipes before the door’s magnetic reader accepted Sam’s ID.

4…3…

Six long strides and he threw himself into his chair.

2…1…

Sam initiated the program.

“Liftoff!”

The Delta’s fiery engines engaged. Sam, though, didn’t release the moorings in time and the enormous rocket exploded on the pad.

And that’s how NASA lost its final chance to stop the doomsday asteroid.

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March 26, 2007

Jim: The Argument

Judy grinned, silver braces reflecting light from the humming ceiling fluorescents. “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is the longest English word,” she said.

“It is not,” Tommy retorted. “That’s not a real word. It’s just a nonsense word from a movie.”

“Oh, yeah, Mr. Smarty-Pants?” Judy scowled. “If you’re so smart, then tell me what the longest word is.”

Tommy folded his arms and smugly said, “Antidisestablishmentarianism.”

“That dumb word hasn’t meant anything since the nineteenth century so it’s not a real word, either!” Judy stuck out her tongue and walked away.

Tommy glowered at Judy’s back, hating her floccinaucinihilipilification of everything he said.

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March 28, 2007

Jim: Teaching Through Example

The professor’s pale eyes glared over the top of his wire-rimmed glasses while bushy, white eyebrows closed into a scowl. “You want me to explain cause and effect again?” he asked the girl incredulously.

“Okay. Billions of years ago, from a single point of existence, the entire Universe exploded into being, casting whole galaxies in all directions. This is the cause.

“Then there was some lag time.

“Ultimately, one effect of that mighty event is that I stand before a student whose primary focus is coloring her nails and have to wearily explain cause and effect over and over again.”

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