JeffR Archives

March 8, 2007

Jeff R.: Condiments

When giant radioactive lizards trample major metropolitan areas, they're constantly scooping up people and eating them. Now, it's obvious that this isn't their primary diet: there's little caloric value in a human on their scale and they spend most of their time at sea where there're no people. No, they mainly eat whales and giant squid and such.

Thing is, though, whale and calimari sushi are mighty bland on the giant-monster palate, but people, people are infused with all kinds of tasty local flavors. And Tokyo gets hit most often of all because nothing goes better with sushi than wasabi...

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March 12, 2007

Jeff R.: One Way to Say Goodbye

Dear Frank,

For the past twelve years, I've been having an affair with your brother. The kids? His. Except for Nate; he's either the plumber's or the electrician's.

Anyway, yesterday his wife found out about us, so there's no point in hiding anymore. By the time you read this, we'll all be hundreds of miles away.

Of course, I emptied out the bank accounts. Including the one you've been putting the money you embezzled from the firm.

Your sister-in-law's in the basement freezer. And all over your Buick. And the police should be arriving in a few hours.


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March 13, 2007

Jeff R.: A Cautionary Tale

Old Man Whittaker rarely went outside. He defended his unkempt lawn from local teenagers with a b-b gun.

One month, his electric bill was much higher than usual. He was perplexed until he looked out his back window and saw the orange extension cord, plugged in to his outside socket.

So he grabbed his air rifle, put on a heavy robe, and ventured outside. He followed the cord to the back of his lawn, around the bushes, and up a tree, where it terminated somewhere inside a treehouse.

He took careful aim, and fired. Bobby screamed all the way down.

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March 14, 2007

Jeff R.: Rose

Rose wasn't exactly popular or unpopular but rather feared. Everyone knew that she could destroy them, utterly. She knew all the secrets there were to know at Worthington High.

She was alarmingly beautiful, and when she wanted someone as a lover- jock or brain, teacher or student, male or female- she was never refused. She took what she wanted, in sex and favors, then left them feeling grateful to have been used.

Her parents complained that she was running with a bad crowd, but the truth is they were all chasing her, and she always left them in her dust.

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March 15, 2007

Jeff R.: One Place to Start

Raymond Pilsner was defined to his friends by the blank discettes he sold in a half-unit at the dying mall. Then the time-portal opened near the DVD+Rs and Princess Nissanda, warrior-queen of 2811 AD, fell through, carrying a sword long as she was tall and dressed in an outfit revealing most of her pale blue skin. "You've got to help me, Ray", she said. "Hurry, the Daemon Horde is only minutes behind."

Confused, dear reader? Don't worry. You'll be able to catch up as the story moves alone. It's all to be expected when a story starts in Media Ray's.

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March 16, 2007

Jeff R.: Not So Plain

After her death was faked in 1903, Calamity Jane became field leader of the cross-temporal strike team called the Legion of Janes. Led by the mysterious Jane Doe and funded by generous grants from the Greystoke Estate, they preserved the integrity of the timeline.

The other members each had some superhuman ability: Catastrophy Jane's preternatural bad luck could be focused upon enemies; Calumny Jane could instantly spread devestating rumors, and Calimari Jane had six long, super-strong arms. (Chlamydia Jane's abilities are never spoken of.) But Calamity was the only one among them who could aim a pistol worth a damn.

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March 19, 2007

Jeff R.:What we Deserve Today

The workmen stayed at it through 7pm. I don't know how much it cost. It's a big expansion. We can afford it, with all of the long nights he's putting in.

If they're billiable hours, at least, and he isn't just screwing that whore secretary.

He said that was over, and I believed...then. But when he called, sad he'd be back around ten, I swear I heard that bitch giggling in the background.

The head workman, the one with the creamers and abs, sent the others home. It would serve him right...

I ask if he wants beer and burgers.

Sequel to Tanya's Untitled.

What, you want to know which one? Fine.

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March 21, 2007

Jeff R.: Folk Wisdom

They say that three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Not so. Ghosts are chattiest gossips you'll meet. With literally nothing better to do, they blab anything you tell them to every other ghost they know.

Vampires? No better. They're so desparate to look cool that they have to let everyone know that they've got secrets. Then, before you know it, someone goes to the grocery, buys a clove, and interrogates it out of them.

You'd think Zombies could keep a secret, just because they can't talk. But it turns out they're great at Charades.

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March 22, 2007

Jeff R.:Sales Pitch

We'd love you to join our Ridiculum,
The newest thing on our curriculum,
Less pain than a split diverticulum,
And it's better than nothing at all.

Step right up and enjoy the Stupendulous,
There's no need to be timid or tremulous,
It may feel like a clot or an embolus,
But it's safe, and inside the next stall.

And now here's the famous Amazia,
With it's world-renowned trips of fantasia,
You'll be speechless, as struck by aphasia,
(You'd best let the machine take that call.)

So join the Ridiculum! It's Awesomatic!
Perimagorical! Hyperchromatic!
Without it you'll be bored and asymptomatic.

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March 23, 2007

Jeff R.: Go/Nogo

The fact that the universe was made in seven days- and one of them a paid vacation, at that- explains quite a bit, really.

Certain technical bugs simply couldn't be worked out of the system in the time allotted. The most vexing of them was a nasty little glitch in which querying each element's position caused it's velocity to vary unpredictably, and vice versa. And then there was the 'Entropy Leak' issue, in which every transaction brought the entire system a little bit closer to total shutdown.

They said they'd fix it in the patch. We're still waiting for it.

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