JeffR Archives

June 3, 2008

Jeff R.:Stop Me If...

"I'm sorry, but you can't tell that joke."

"What? Why?"

"Potentially offensive to Skanturians."

"But...."

"What?"

"There aren't any Skanturians. It's just a made-up word."

"Nonetheless."

"What?"

"Well, I mean, for all we know tomorrow some folks might declare themselves the new Skanturians, and demand equal rights to frommit their slivvixes in peace, and then where'd we be?"

"That doesn't seem very likely."

"Nonetheless. Also, is that a talking dog there?"

"What? No, just an ordinary dog."

"That won't do either. Sorry, friend, if you want to tell that joke in this country, you'd better just make it three rabbis."

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June 23, 2008

Jeff R.: The Advancing Frontiers of Science

Franklin couldn't care less. By which I mean it would be clinically impossible for him to be even one unit less concerned, about the test topic (Global Warming), the positive control (Kitten Trapped in Burning Building), or the negative control (Price of Watermelons in Tibet). I've got the electrode readouts to prove it.

I made the research assistant check, twice, to make sure Franklin wasn't actually dead, having slipped through the normal checks for that sort of thing in prospective subjects, but he was in fact breathing. So I instituted a new rule.

From now on, no more law students.

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June 26, 2008

Jeff R.: Grounds For Punishment

Captain Randolph was disgusted. He called over his first mate. The little man scurried across the deck.

"Yes, Keptin?"

"Do you know what's wrong with this ship?"

The mate stared at him, blankly. Eventually Captain Randolph had to begin again.

"No, of course I'll have to spell it out for you. In fact, I can sum it up in a single word."

"What word is dat, Keptin?"

"Discipline."

The mate stared, blankly, for a few seconds. Then he spoke. "No, no, dis a ship, Keptin." He waved up at the sky, at a distant contrail. "Now dat, dat a plin."

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July 23, 2008

Jeff R.:Stirring the Ashes

"Look what I found, granpa! It's a kitty!"

"Yes it is, dear. And it's a black one. Did you know that back in my day, people thought those were bad luck?"

"Really?"

"It's true. We believed all kinds of things back then. Like that we'd never see a war on our own soil. Like the march of progress, and world peace, and freedom and dignity and grace and redemption and a loving God..."

"And that black kitties were bad luck."

"That too, yes."

"That's silly."

"I know. There's just as much good eating on them as on the tabby ones."

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