JeffR Archives

August 1, 2007

Jeff R.: Everyhing But: A Fable

Me? I was a supply sergeant. Things started out rough. It took weeks to get replacement blankets, even longer for field-portable heaters. After a while, though, I'd developed a good relationship with Louis, the quartermaster.

Then one day Cookie comes up to me and says that the kitchen sink's cracked right down the middle and needed immediate replacement. I phoned supply, but the replacement guy was a pain to deal with, so I flew out to where Louis was on leave and got written permission for the rush order.

So all was well. And the moral?

Lou's slips ship sinks.

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August 7, 2007

Jeff R.: The Key

At all comes back to the Quakers.

Now, Benjamin Franklin, he was in the Hellfire Club, invented the radio and Velcro, but had them kept secret until they were needed. But the rest of the founders were Quakers. Like Nixon. Who stole the blackmail tapes from the Watergate to make sure that it was his name that ended up on the moon.

The Quakers got to Carter with the killer rabbit, which was a warning even he could understand. So he stepped aside for the Quakers operating out of Mena, Arkansas.

Don't even get me started about the McKinley assassination.

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August 8, 2007

Jeff R.: I'm Kilroy!

Is something really secret if everybody knows it?

I mean, even the students- even the third-graders knew Mister Griffin was getting busy with the principal's Secretary. So it's not like it was news to anybody at all, when the lights went down and the blacklights came on and everybody in the assembly at the gym could read the writing in UV-sensitive paint. And yet we still had the full-blown inquisition to find out who could possibly have known and wrote what everybody'd been gossiping about for months.

There aren't any real secrets here. Just things people pretend they don't know.

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August 14, 2007

Jeff R.: Multiple Choice

"Do you give them extravagant gifts from your pretty baubles and filthy lucre?"

"No."

"Let me guess again. How about treating them to a sumptuous seven-course dinner, then?"

"Sorry, still wrong."

"Surely you don't fall down upon your rather boney knees and worship them as gods?"

"Afraid not. And before you ask, neither do we send any of our attractive young virgins to entertain them in their tents."

"I never said-"

"You were thinking about it."

"Hmpf. I don't suppose...?"

"Yes?"

"Brutally murder them, violate their corpses, and steal their worldly possessions."

"No. Wait, yes."

"Almost got you, though."

"Almost"

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August 15, 2007

Jeff R.: Meta

"Interesting. But how would distinguish the speakers?"

"Context?"

"That may overestimate the reader's intelligence."

"Well, you could give them each heavy accents and write in dialect."

"How gauche. One might as well use html tags to give each speaker a unique font or color."

"Hey, wait, guys, we've got the entire wrong questions here."

"How so?"

"Yes, explain yourself."

"See, a dialog's a conversation between two people. With three of us, it's something else. A trialog?"

"Andy..."

"Hey, don't bite my head off. Figuratively speaking."

"Come here, Andy."

"Okay, I guess...Gah!"

"Jesus, what a mess."

"If only he'd specified 'literally'..."

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August 20, 2007

Jeff R.: Well, At Least It's Not About Cannibalism

Everyone knew Captain Crusader was in a downward spiral, after his over-acting ways ruined three consecutive attempts to move into a career in film. So when he started hanging out with a two-dimensional Japanese demon who's 'reformation' from supervillany was as thin as his own body, nobody was surprised.

However, when the two of them were caught and photographed by the press while using the Justice Batallion's time machine to seduce history's greatest beauties, culminating in the daughter of King Herod, the headline that ended the Captain's Career Resulted.

(Wait For It...)

'Ham, Paper Oni, and Salome in 'Hero Sandwich''

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August 24, 2007

Jeff R.:Who Dealt this Mess?

I don't like to play low-ball; Jake picks it whenever he's dealing to throw me off my game. I'd normally have folded early, waiting for the next dealer, but Ben was down half his stake, which is when he starts betting stupid. No sense letting anyone else take advantage.

The first round saw four checks, a low bet from Phil, and four calls. Then I dumped my King. Jake wanted us to think he'd done well, and Ben raised right back. I kept calling until Jake gave up on buying out of his bluff and won the table with seven-high.

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August 27, 2007

Jeff R.: Here Be Dragons

It's difficult to reach, nowadays. It's not that people didn't know the shape of the world: the Greek knew, as did the Sumerians, even if they didn't spread it about.

No, the proliferation of maps is the problem, making it difficult to Sail beyond the edge of all of them. Also, that any sailor seasoned enough to know how to get there knows enough to avoid it.

Still, I have a nearly unbounded trust in your abilities, my young friend. This flask contains the Genius Loci of one of the Florida Keys. Toss it over the edge, and await payment.

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August 31, 2007

Jeff R.:Riposte

My first was to inherit my lands, and looked to be bright enough to manage them even better than I.

My second, as tradition required, joined the army, where he became one of the King's most trusted officers.

My third, though...well, he ought to have joined the clergy. That's how it's been for generations. But instead, he fled, and became a highwayman.

Providence punished us all for this rebellion. My second was accused (falsely) of treason, and executed, and our lands seized and sold. But the one responsible got a far worse punishment.

He got that woman for a wife.

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September 5, 2007

Jeff R.:And Her Daughters Shall Be Legion

After a few generations, every damned barn spider in the farm belt was literate, meaning about every place with a few rafters overhanging had its little message.

At first, they were just little testimonials to the quality of whatever object happened to be underneath: 'Some Chair', 'Some Cactus', or the like. Or a naked superlative like 'Fantastic' or 'Extraordinary' over the watering pitcher or washboard.

Then they apparently went commercial, as slogans like 'Coke Adds Life' or 'See Rock City' adorned every web.

Three weeks ago, almost all of them changed at once, all writing 'John 3:16'. It's downright creepy.

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